Coping issues, toddler and baby. Strategies needed PLEASE

[Cherie]

nellnell, I could have written your post myself. My 2.5yo DS is so defiant, argumentative, negative, whiny, clingy ... argh, I could go on and on. It is really really hard to find positive things to praise him for when, for example, he starts the day with about 5 tantrums before breakfast then dumps his weetbix upside down on the floor, then yells and me, slams doors etc. My DD, bless her soul, is a placid little button (albeit a horrible sleeper) and she just has to go with the flow. DS needs constant entertaining and won't go more than 1-2m away from me, so I feel a bit touched out by lunchtime a well.

I've found myself becoming a horrible mummy .... yelling, being sarcastic, holding grudges. I feel like we're getting into a really negative spiral, and he is reflecting my behaviours which makes things worse and worse.

I'll be interested in reading any further replies to this thread, because I'm struggling too. But I'll come back in the morning and post some of my strategies in response to your questions.

Nighty night

[Ozziehoffy]

nell... I hear you, I HEAR YOU...I hear you!! Ahhhh I too have days where there really isn't much to praise at all. I try, try, try to keep my cool but when I'm just too tired I don't have the patience I need and I then feel worse and I think that my mood and my patience gets even worse cos I'm kicking myself and it's a vicious little circle. I do praise him as much as I can (although sometimes I seriously think he doesn't even hear it!) and we do have a sticker chart which I think is starting to sink in cos just last night I gave him sticker for taking some toys to Elijah cos he was whinging. I said... wow great job that was really nice to do that, let's go and get a sticker. Well, I went and had my shower after that and Andy told me that whilst I was in the shower Oskar went and gave Elijah a toy again, turned some music on for him and then said "more stickers now daddy" lol. So maybe, just maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel!!! Definitely harder when sleep deprived and tired though for sure.

[skeetaboat]

1......How do you stay positive? Get some *me* time every week, go to the gym, shopping, get hair done, visit a friend, anything that gets me out and about by myself. You've gotta schedule it to make sure it happens. I'd be having some words with DH if he's a) not helping you when he's not working and b) hogging the weekends
2......What do you do when you're toddler doesnt sleep in the arvo - to keep them from sending you batty? Without the square eyed babysitter! My toddler (same age) has been refusing naps for about 6 months. If he's really driving me batty I go for a driveat about 3pm and it never fails to put him to sleep. We've discovered the sesame street website which has some *fantastic* toddler games, which he *loves* so it's like a treat for him and I can use it as a bargaining chip!! It's not as bad as the square eyed babysitter because the games are interactive & educational. You do have to show them how to do it at first, but now that my DS has the hang of it, it can buy me up to 2 hours of peace (probably more if I would let him!). Other than that I'll snuggle with him on the couch with a DVD and stroke his hair and sometimes he'll nod off, but if not, we both get a rest
3......How do you encourage 'quiet time' and playing by self without constantly entertaining, redirecting?see above! colouring is another hit around here for quiet time and so is hanging out in the bedroom listening to music
4......What strategies do you use when your toddler won't do what you need them to? (I'm talking need, not want - like getting into a car seat to drive the car) When there is no compromise, be firm. Keep doing whatever it is (ie strapping her in) say what you have to do and why but don't say anything else or engage in argument. But try to pre-empt these co-operatation strikes. My DS always seems to be uncooperative when I've rushed him, or haven't listened to him, or didn't let him have some involvement in what's happening. I think communication is the key here & making sure they feel involved in whatever you're doing & not pushed around.
5......How do you help your toddler understand a routine change or change of plans? hmm, not sure what you mean? Without knowing what you're referring to, I'd just say generally that I think communication is the key. At this age they like to know what's going on and why, so the more you tell them, the more they understand and can go with the flow (or express their discontent, which you can choose to take on board or at the very least acknowledge & explain why X still has to happen). I think negotiation & communication really are so vital to happy toodler & therefore happy mumma, at this age

[Doing my best]

Big This is so similar to what I came on to post.

And there are some really good responses that I will be trying.

[fionas]

I've only got one toddler but this is what has helped me. DEFINITELY get some 'me' time as a previous poster said. And yes, you have to schedule it or it won't happen. I put DD into care for 3 hours on Friday morning and even that short amount of time once a week works wonders on recharging my batteries.

As far as bad behaviour/tanties go, I give lots of commentary about what we're going to do next. "OK, we're going to eat lunch DD and then it's sleepy time." I literally do that for 10 mins beforehand over and over again. Same if I want to take her out for a walk, "OK DD, nearly time to stop watching that DVD, we're going for a walk. We're going to put your shoes and socks on and then we're going for a walk." I say it many, many times so it doesn't come as a shock to her.

If I let her, she would literally wash her hands for half an hour because she loves water. So I have to give her warning, "OK DD, we're going to switch the tap off after three."

It took a couple of weeks of doing that but it's reduced the tantrums no end.

[fionas]

Sorry, missed something. As far as the change of plans go, I try to acknowledge her feelings. I know that sounds ridiculous but it goes something like this, "yes, DD I know you want to do X but we'll do that tomorrow. We can't do it today because Y and now we have to do Z."

Usually it's something simple like, "Yes DD, I know you want mama to carry on playing in the sand with you but mama's too hot and she needs to go inside." Or, "yes, DD I know you want to watch Night Garden again but Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy are asleep. Let's go and read a book instead."

[skeetaboat]

I had another couple of thoughts to add...

When DS stopped taking naps, he wasn't getting enough sleep in a 24 hour period, so we shifted his bedtime 1 hour earlier and it made the world of difference to his whinging, clinginess, and tantruming. It was a good move especially now that daylight savings is here and he's up earlier and ealier each day. I really notice that old behaviour coming back if he's stayed up past his bed time or gotten up significantly earlier than usual.. he's just a horrible grump without enough sleep. So I'd highly recommend getting her to bed earlier if you can.

Another thought I had was about the negative behaviour and how that tends to increase when a sibling comes along. I read somewhere that when this happens, try to be extra tolerant of the negative attention seeking and ignore it as best you can, and find every opportunity you can to encourage positive attention seeking (which you've had some good suggestions for already). I think it's good to oblige whenever they ask for your positive attention (eg can we play playdoh mum?) because its when they're short of this that they'll resort to the negative attention seeking because they know it works. I avoid reacting to negative behaviour so he learns that it's not effective. Seems to work for me... DH who is a lot more reactive to negative behaviour always gets more of it from him than I do.

When DS became a big brother I noticed he would start asking for something as soon as I started feeding the baby (eg to sit with me, to use the computer that sits next to the chair I feed on, to do a puzzle, etc). I think he was testing if I would still respond to him. Sometimes he would ask, and when I said 'ok', he would sit with us/play computer/do puzzle for about 2 mins and then get up and wander off, happy that I was still prepared to meet his needs & wants.

I don't know if this way of dealing with it is recommended or not, but I wanted to show him that I was still responsive to his needs and avoid him feeling like the baby was dominating my time and attention. It seemed to work for us because he stopped doing it after a couple of weeks.

[nellnell]

Thank you so much everyone. No time to post now but will jump on later to respond.

[Ozziehoffy]

fionas, that is a good point to keep repeating what you're intending on doing! I do give him warning ahead of time but maybe I need to let him know a few more times than I do.

The me time which has been mentioned, wow yes I am looking forward to getting some I hope soonish lol. Certainly I feel better and more relaxed even when DH takes the boys for a walk for half an hour.

[Ozziehoffy]

4......What strategies do you use when your toddler won't do what you need them to? (I'm talking need, not want - like getting into a car seat to drive the car) When there is no compromise, be firm. Keep doing whatever it is (ie strapping her in) say what you have to do and why but don't say anything else or engage in argument. But try to pre-empt these co-operatation strikes. My DS always seems to be uncooperative when I've rushed him, or haven't listened to him, or didn't let him have some involvement in what's happening. I think communication is the key here & making sure they feel involved in whatever you're doing & not pushed around.

oh yes, that is true!!! You're right, reading that now I see that does indeed happen and my bad for pushing too much when I'm tired. I tend to forget to stop and listen and be patient, it's all just a rush cos I'm tired and can't get organised properly.