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Thread: Did you feel guilty...

  1. #1

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    Default Did you feel guilty...

    I am thinking of TTC no 2, but feel a little sad for DS, as obviously when a newborn comes along he wont have 100% of my attention. I am feeling guilty already? Did you feel this way TTC no 2, and how do you keep up giving no 1 attention when you are just so busy with a newborn?
    Thanks all


  2. #2

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    I feel like this every day and did while TTC too. I'm scared to think how this will affect Lily and theres less than 3 months to go before he arrives! I'm going to try and give 100% of my attention to her for half an hour a day. But when Jacob starts working this will be very hard to do, so still at a loss there! Will be interesting to know how others do it.

  3. #3

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    Moving this to general baby and toddler discussion.

  4. #4

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    We didn't really think about it much in a way. We did wonder, but not worry about it. When Erin was born it was hard for all of us at first to get used to having this new little person around, but after a while everything just fell into place and worked well because luckily she fell into the same feeding habits as Lindsay and I found it very easy to cope with that. As for quality time with #1, you do find that you still have time for them because the baby will sleep (Hopefully LOL) and you can get them involved in things to help you out a bit like picking up their toys and getting them to be a little more responsible IYKWIM? Also as the baby gets older you can teach the older child to be interactive with the baby and have quality time with the three of you.

    Good luck with the TTC

  5. #5

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    Hey Ally, I know the feeling. Have a look at this thread that I posted a few months ago...

  6. #6

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    I haven't worried much about this really....I guess I feel that we're giving her a wonderful gift in a sibling, not taking something away from her. I am very close to my brother and I can't imagine being an only child and I want the same for my kids. It doesn't mean I will love her any less, or that she'll be deprived of attention. She won't be the whole focus of my life like she is now but I think that's a good thing for both of us. But she'll always have someone to play with, and as they get older they will each have at least one other person who understands what it's like to come from the family they do, even if they don't turn out to be close. When we are gone they won't be alone in the world. We feel that's the greatest gift we can give her

  7. #7

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    Sarah; the thread you posted a few months ago, that you recommended that i read, was exactly how i am feeling now. Terrified to have another baby! I am considering councelling, as I dont want to miss out on a wonderful exp of having a newborn, due to my fears. Are you still feeling the same?

  8. #8

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    I think after talking it out helped a real lot. I posted here, chatted with Aaron & also a really good friend that was pregnant with her 2nd. I am still very nervous about having a second, but feeling a bit better about than I did when I originally posted I'll go through my points and see what I can tell you

    I'm still a little worried about how Zander will react to having a new baby in the house. Just recently Cailin stayed here with us for a week and obviously that meant she had Seth with her. At first whenever I was giving him a cuddle Zander would try to push him off my lap, it wasn't particularly mean, just a gentle shove to say no that's my mum. After a few days he got used to Seth being round and was offering his dummy and toys. Sooo I think he should be alright after a few days... I HOPE!

    With the pregnancy I think I will still enjoy every part of it, but I realise that it will probably go much faster & I won't spend uite as much time contemplating the baby as I have to run around with Zander all day.

    The birth still freaks me out! I have no idea how on earth I am going to cope when they put the epidural in while I'm not in the middle of labour to distract me.

    Still not too sure how I'll manage with 2 children, but having said that I did go through a stage of how was I going to cope with 1, so it's kinda the same I guess

    All in all I decided that we would try & would work it out later!! Might not be the best way to go about it, but we've been TTC for 6 months now so have been thinking quite a bit on that road anyway. Each month I'm disappointed I'm not pregnant so I take that as a sign that I'm ready!

  9. #9

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    We've just started ttc no.2 and at this point I'm not worried at all.

    Just think of every other child you'll have and they have to share their time from the word go!

  10. #10

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    I feel guilty as we agonised over even ttc #2 as we are happy with just the three of us but would also love another member of our family. A few days after I had confirmed my pg I remember thinking - what have we done, how am I going to be able to love and care for two. But since then i have come to realise that even though DS won't get the same attention from us he is really enjoying the idea of having a brother or sister and I think it will be different but still good.

  11. #11
    Fire Fly Guest

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    This was a HUGE! concern of mine before DS was born. I had a fantastic relationship with DD and we had been through alot so our bond was quiet strong. I was scared to death of losing this bond as i knew there would be times that she needed me or wanted to play that i wouldnt be abled to because i was feeding.
    Once he was born DH and I made sure she was the first to see her little brother before the rest of the family. I also got something very special that arrived in the post the day we got home (good timing) that is a keepsake from her brother. I bought a teddy and got its jacket embroided saying ' To Jay love Claire' on it so she had something special to give him.
    She did go through a very depressed stage which lasted about 2 weeks, she was very down and it was very hard to get a smile on her face. This broke our hearts as this was very out of character for her. I would let her help my change Jay's nappy and help wash him when bathing him, and when possible id cuddle her the same time i was feeding him.
    It was a very difficult time for all of us haveing this extra family member to look after but it did hit her extremely hard. Im sure she thought id traded her in or didnt love her anymore. There was no getting through to her either. We just had to show her how much we loved her and that things were for the better.
    The relationship that i had with her has definately changed. I dont think i have that bond as strong as i used to. In saying that though she is growing up so fast and is very mature for her age, which doesnt benefit her sometimes. So she is getting more independant and wanting to do things more for herself. I dont know if things would have been different had we not had Jay and thats someithing ill never know.
    He is 7 nearly 8 months now and she loves her little brother to death. She interacts with him on the floor and passes him toys if he cant reach them. She still helps with bath time and nappy changes which she still enjoys. And when he is finally asleep, lol, then that is our time to play. We go outside usually so as not to make to much noise and we play whatever she wants.

    I went through a stage where i was very firm and narky with her which tarnished her spirit a bit, i regret my attitude every day as she is very special to me. I know now though that it was out of frustration of not being there for her when she wanted me. Thats why now when Jay's asleep im all hers.

    Things do change but its only for a short time. Its something that cant be avoided unfortuanatly. Some kids adapt better than others im sure, and i think the age they when bub is born would be the teller, kwim.

    Try not to stress and enjoy one another. You will be fine once bub is born, there no turining back now anyway lol.

    Congratulations by the way .

  12. #12

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    Ally i'm in exactly the same position - not so much about sharing the time as i already look after my neice 4 days a wk and we manage really well - but mostly concerned of the lack of attention throughout the preg. i'm soooo worried i'll be as sick as i was with dd - almost 5 months of really bad m/s...could hardly get out of bed some days. But i figure i'll eventually have to bite the bullet and go down that track again someday so i may as well do it now when i'm feeling really on top of things and think it's the right time to make dd a little sibling

  13. #13

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    I was worried about it too with Jess as Kat was soooo very young when I fell with Jess. I wanted to give kat all my love and felt I could never love another baby the same and that I knew Kat was going to be jelous etc etc. Well, Jess is now nine months old and while it has been hard, Kat just accepts that Jess is here. She shares toys and the food she doesn't want. She's pretty good with jess, even tries to ride on jess when Jess is crawling around. When jess stands up, she gives her BIG hugs and it's great to watch them play together! Sometimes Kat tries to push jess away or she tells Jess "NO" when jess tries to grab a toy Kat is playing with, but all in all they get along pretty well and I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING. Having said that, we are going to wait awhile before TTC#3 as the kids are still very young and we want to spend time enjoying their earliest years before bringing in another IYKWIM? We want to make them feel totally comfortable and loved before we take away a chunk of their mum/dad time by having another....Kinda hard to explain.... I know they will still have quality time and all, but I want them to have as much as I can give them for a few years... I think I have made a mess of trying to explain it so I might just shut up....

  14. #14
    Fire Fly Guest

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    Lol, makes perfect sense kerrie. It is nice to see the kids getting on and playing. I cant wait for Jay to be crawling around and being able to follow DD himself rather than with just his eyes and us chasing her with him in our arms. He adores her, and she adores him.
    Just hope things stay the same when they get older as DH cant stand his sister (neither can i actually,lol) so i hope the kids become good friends and have a strong bond. KWIM.

    Now im getting confussing. Ill stop now.....i know what i mean

  15. #15

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    I have been feeling guilty too, even though I wanted to give Jack a sibling for himself before I was ready to want it for me (IYKWIM??). I am still worried that Jack won't get enough of my time and resent it, but he is very good at adapting to changes so hopefully he will be fine. I guess it won't be long before I know! If there are problems we will just have to manage them as best as we can!

    But about the guilt - I think it's perfectly normal. I read a really lovely poem about expecting no 2 written by a mum going through the same thing. It was so beautiful. If I can find it I'll share it with you.

    Melanie

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