Disgusted at way strangers talk to their babies !

[mbear]

I didnt feel the need to post in the past, but after today, i just have too....
When your out - at the shops, paying bills, whatever, do you ever notice how other parents speak to their babies/toddlers?
I have heard "shut up and stop whinging" "goddddddddd, where is your dummy, be quiet". Today i heard "suck this, be quiet, go to sleep" - this was whilst in best n less. Twins were probably 8 months old - and being told to suck this and go to sleep!!!. The tone was awful.

I know, i know i dont know these people's life situations - it may have been a bad morning, they maybe going thru a rough time. I know i have no right to judge. But i dont think anyone should be spoken to like that.....At the post office about 4 weeks ago, i saw a mother say to a 18 month or less little girl 'shutup, mummys not listening' Is this a productive way to speak to any little person.....?


It just upset me......that some little people out there get spoken to like that. I just felt like cuddling the little girl and taking her home with me !!!! ....okay, ill try and stop saving the world now.....LOL

[nikbrad]

I couldn't agree more, If we are having a bad time shopping we just go home. I'd rather have fun at home then have a stressed out mum and miss M! Sometimes I just cringe when I hear how parents talk to kids. Something my mum and I use to talk about (this was before we had Mackenzie) was how many happy parents you could find in a shopping centre when you went shopping. We usually came home with a count of 1 maybe 2 max and the rest were just yelling or speaking woefully to their kids. I know some people have a tough life but speaking nicely to the little people is not a diffcult thing to do. All people need to do is stop and think before they open their mouth. Mackenzie knows too when kids are being spoken to badly. On more than one occasion she has said to me 'mummy that's not very nice talk' when she hears people talking badly to their kids. I would hope this is enough to make the adult who is within earshot stop and think before they do it next time but sadly I'm sure it isn't.

[expat]

I feel the same, often it's about the tone and body language as well.

I know that in most cases it's out of frustration rather than malice but perhaps those parents don't see that how they react to their kids now will affect how their kids address people in the future.


Kids don't do as you say they do as you do (un)fortunately and as a result we need to be on our best behaviour all the time!

[Smoke Jaguar]

I know that sometimes I'll tell Oscar to 'put that in your gob and shut up', but the tone could in no way be mistaken for anything other than playful. If he were upset (rather than just fidgety - I tell him to shut up when he's fidgety, not vocal!) I would just take him away from the situation that was obviously stressing his little system out and take it as a cue that he's overstimulated. Nothing is so important that I have to remain somewhere that is having a negative impact on him!
I remember serving a lady last year who had a VERY young baby (as in, less than 3 months old) in a pram who was hysterically screaming the store down. The mother was choosing earrings. When she came to the counter (I had been busy serving at the counter or I would have gone over to her sooner with my offer) I asked if she'd like me to hold her items until she could feed/soothe her child. Instead, she says "Nah, he can wait, plus it will make you serve me quicker with him screaming"...WTF?? I told her I wasn't going to 'go quicker' because I'd make a mistake and end up taking longer. Who put EARRINGS before a very young babie's cries for attention??? All she needed to do was come back! I still don't know how people believe babies are manipulative...

[lilprecious75]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets disgusted by what I see in the shopping centres. I know that shopping with the kid(s) in tow is not always easy and it is very easy to get tired, frustrated and angry but we all need to be aware of our actions and how they affect the people we love. I've been very lucky so far and usually when I shop DS is happy enough. Once he threw a whopping tantrum so I just pushed the pram into a quiet corner, knelt down to DS's level, looked him straight in the eye and firmly said "STOP!" He took a very deep breath and calmed down so then I took him out of the pram, put him in the HAB, and he was calm and asleep about 10 minutes later. To me that was much more effective and productive then telling him to "shut up" or something equally as horrible.
I agree that we shouldn't judge and we may only be witnessing a one off - but somehow I doubt it and it always leaves me wondering... if they will treat them like this in public what happens at home? And you can better believe the kids will dish it right back to the parents when they are teenagers!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I think there's a big difference between an "Oh, darling, shush-shush, we'll be leaving soon" or "Look, here's your dummy, do you just want a suck?" (as I do) and some of the earlier examples. Yes, babies can be frustrating while shopping, but they're frustrated too! I know with my DS that it's often just his reflux and if his dummy doesn't work (usually whilst at a checkout) moving the pram will; if that doesn't I'll pick him up and that always works (I make sure he's fed and clean before we leave the house; if we're out for over an hour and a half then I'll check he doesn't need a feed or a change too).

You would expect to be treated with courtesy and respect, why shouldn't babies be allowed to expect that as well?

[Melbo]

It takes a lot of presence of mind not to just react and say the first thing that pops into your head. I think this would have to be one of the hardest parts of parenting because you are trying to override an impulse in a high pressure situation. I don't think you are judging mbear - far from it. I completely understand where you are coming from. I've seen so many parents at the end of their rope with kids in public. It's never a good situation.

[Smoke Jaguar]

The screaming had escalated from nothing, to gentle whimper to a big scream...over a period of time. They did not come in with the baby upset/colicky.
I don't know, I suppose I just don't get how you couldn't just hold your baby and acknowledge that it's not happy - I know if I'm upset, it's comforting to be comforted...and I'm an adult with words and the ability to rationalise a situation that I'm in! Also, as someone who hates shopping centres, I guess I have seen how much I can live without the all-important earring shopping and Oscar has spent minimal time in big shops. When I AM there, Oscar takes priority.
As for speaking rudely, it's not a great example to be setting as a reaction to an annoyance!

[Mumma2three]

Maybe it's me you're talking about! I was in medicare the other day and had had the LONGEST most challenging morning with coco. I think I said something under my breath like "be quiet you little sh*t"......sorry, but I think that's fair enough, I was going CRAZY. I can tell you, I love my babies more than anything, but sometimes I need to let it out (quietly but I know the woman in front heard)!!! Im not too worried if Im judged, I know I'm a good mum, but sometimes it's SOOO frustrating. I understand the people that lose it in the shops, I actually feel sympathy for them!! xo

[christy]

I've had some shockers in the shops, usually it tends to be the times when Matilda has decided to escape out of the pram & run as fast as she can, so I am running pulling the pram with Jovie in it... or she has massive tantrums where the only thing I can do it pick her up & put her under my arm so I can push the pram and run out as quick as I can. I've waited tantrums out in parents rooms before & its not fun.

However, despite all the awful times in the shops, I try to make sure I don't insult my child. I may say "Mummy is getting really frustrated now, please BE QUIET!" and be firm and cranky about it, but I guess thats the way I handle things.

[mbear]

i agree christy, a simple explanation to the child doesnt take much effort.

I would love to do a casestudy on some of these situations, and see how these babies grow up, and how they then speak to their mother/father when they say are 8,9 years old. You cant really blame them if they speak in the same manner/tone, can you?

[beckles]

i know it can be harsh out there with other parents. i was putting oscar in the car to go home from a shopping centre and a mum was screaming at her 4 year old and she had a 2 year old in the car and a baby. i was clicking oscar into his seat and i heard her smacking the 4 year old. i turned and asked her really calmly if i could help her with anything as she seemed to be having a rough time. this calmed her straight away and she sortof laughed and told me wait until my baby was 4. (i didn't tell her i have a 12 year old and 9 year old at home). i know i didn't stop her from smacking her child but i did manage to calm her and the children responded much better. so this is what i do just ask if i can help them in some way and it seems to calm them to parent a little more respectfully.
beckles

[Rouge]

Yeah I've btdt too... but I also think the occasional offhanded comment is alot different to the overall demeanor or temperament of the parent. I find it VERY distressing if someone is swearing or name calling their child, or smacking their child. Even Paris in her infinite wisdom has often said at the top of her lungs "you shouldn't say/do that should you mummy?" To which I'll whisper quietly and try as quickly as I can to move somewhere else. But I do try not to judge these days... But its hard not to when you've been on the receiving end before (which I have) or that you *know* parenting can be done minus these methods...

So it is sad and its hard not to worry in some circumstances but I often wonder how I can be misinterpreted in some situations...

*hugs*
Cailin

[2CheekyMonkeys]

its hard to admit but i have spoken quite harshly to my bubba at times! even swearing!!! admittedly not out at the shops, but mainly at home when she WON'T sleep! does that make me a bad mother? probably! i say to myself i wont do that when she is older, she cant understand at the moment....... what do you girls do when you have that angry, frustrated, tired, feeling? (not that i do it all the time, just at the extreme)

[Aranah]

its hard to admit but i have spoken quite harshly to my bubba at times! even swearing!!! admittedly not out at the shops, but mainly at home when she WON'T sleep! does that make me a bad mother? probably! i say to myself i wont do that when she is older, she cant understand at the moment....... what do you girls do when you have that angry, frustrated, tired, feeling? (not that i do it all the time, just at the extreme)

I hear you well, I had two reflux babies that rarely slept and know the frustration you talk about.

Best thing to do, is go where you can't hear your baby for 5 minutes and take some deep breaths. Make sure the baby is in a spot where it's safe to leave her alone for a few mintues, ie, cot. Do this when you feel like you are getting to that swearing/harsh point. It really works well, and the baby crying for a short period of time isn't going to hurt it, it's much better for her to clear your head for a few minutes so you can go back in and deal with the situation calmly. That brought me from the point of anger at baby, to going back feeling sorry for and mothery/nuturing to the baby, just that minute or two of time out for me.

[fionas]

I'm not a mum yet (due Aug 12 at which point I will no doubt gain some credibility on this topic) but my sister is.

For a while she insisted on dragging (literally) her 2yo and 6yo around Kmart etc. for hours on end and whinged when they "played up" and how she'd lost the plot and ended up screaming at them. My response was "well, if I was a kid and I was being dragged around the shops all day, I'd play up too." Derrrr. Shopping's not interesting for kids.

Yes, I understand, sometimes it's unavoidable but some people just don't seem to get the fact that kids are not going to be patient and interested unless you're shopping for them.

We've just had a similar situation with overseas visitors. The mother wondered why her daughter and my step-daughter (both 13) got sulky after she took them 1. Around St Pat's Cathedral for an hour 2. Then pressured into going to the flower show for another few hours. Again, derrrrrrr. What 13-year-olds are going to be excited about going to churches and flower shows??? I'm not saying we should let kids dictate what we do, but we can acknowledge that some things are not going to be interesting for them and reach compromises.

[Edensmumma]

hmmmmm interesting thread... i find it funny when people say to me.."is she a good baby"??? i kinda think to myself, well at 12 weeks does she know how to be naughty???
Strange isnt it?!?!
I think all mummies get so tired and frustrated and impatient... i think a lot of it comes from thinking we are putting other people out in public tho. If that makes sense? we get embarrassed that our baby/toddler is making a racket or whatever... im so used to Eden howling now(not that she does it as often now) that i can carry on a conversation as normal without being a stressful mess whilst the person im talking to looks as if they are in shock.
I would have been disgusted too, if i heard that... babies and children pick up on tones and vibes whether they understand words or not. But we are all allowed to lose our cool once in a while too....
Did any of that make any sense... i really need some sleep...

[Aranah]

IK, you are right about it's frustration that children don't fit into a mould. This is the very reason i had suppressed, depressed and mentally disturbed children because their father believed they should be a certain way which was not child-like. They had no room for mistakes, even accidents, and by the time we left I had very messed up children. Only now, years later, my DD is 6 and going through the terrible two's. It's been delayed because of her life and the expectations put on her. She was a perfect toddler, never once did a thing wrong....it wasn't good, it was abnormal and sad. The most unforgivable thing I have ever done in my life was allow that to happen to my children.
I have no idea about what toddlers are really like, and I think I'm in for a bit of a shock with this one! But, bring it on. Their little personalities develop this way, they learn through all these things the way to handle situations, it's just how we react to them as parents. I'm sure in a year or two, I will be one of those parents being tut-tutted for a tantrum throwing child (especially if DPs toddlerhood is anything to judge by so his mother tells me LOL).

Talking about swearing and talking harshly to one's children - I hear it and cringe. I could never imagine speaking like that at a child, I've had days where i've yelled, but I can't imagine using harsh words or calling a child something.

Something that was interesting though, is that recently a few months back, we had new neighbours move in next door. The kids nickname the mum 'Angry mum' and they are scared of her because she literatlly screams at her children and inserts swear words. It sends shivers through me. But strangely enough, I've rarely seen a more dedicated careful mother. She's there 100% of the time with her kids, out playing with them, involved in her daughter's school, hugs them heaps and is exceptionally careful of them outside (you don't see that too much). She is better in that way than 90% of the mother's I know in my area, yet the screaming and swearing leave much to be desired.

I'm not saying that all the good cancels out the bad, just thought I'd share it because I guess in my sheltered view, a mother that spoke like that to her kids just didn't care about much else either, but she's exceptional in other ways.