Hi Kellee

This is timely! It is such a controversial area, I'm finding. I personally think it comes down to your own personality and also how you were raised and react to that childhood. There are a lot of books which strongly advocate "controlled crying/comforting". However we were relieved to discover that there are also a lot which offer alternatives. I think parents need to feel free to follow their hearts in this area and their intuition. I'm no expert, but I just couldn't stand the sound of our son crying and crying and crying (and we did try this). I discovered that there were others like me, and some experts who are now advising against this approach and opting for a style which is more inline with "attachment/natural parenting".

I am a member of Australian Breastfeeding Association and have found them very supportive and helpful in providing information on various topics. ABA referred me to two books on sleep issues. One is called "100 Ways to Calm The Crying" by Pinky McKay and the other is called 'The No Cry Sleep Solution' by Elizabeth Pantley and I noticed that Dr William Sears if referred to in both books.

We had the experience of feeling pressured into doing controlled crying by my mother-in-law who enlisted the support of my sister-in-law, who then phoned us and ran through it over the phone. However, we just did not feel comfortable with this approach. Instead of feeling supported, the implication was (particularly from my mother-in-law) that we were incapable parents who needed to be put on the right track. Anyway, in summary, we now see what seems to two strong schools of thought on the issue of sleep. My midwife tells me that most people are somewhere between the two.

Guilt can really weigh you down when parenting. All we need is someone telling us that we are "bad" parents because we do one or the other. Some people are naturally drawn to a very structured style of parenting and don't feel comfortable with co-sleeping. They lean towards schedules and predictable routines. Others welcome sharing their sleeping space with their babies as they cherish night-time feeds and enjoy a more spontaneous pattern to the day with a variety of activities blended with their favorite rituals.

For those who are uncomfortable with the whole controlled crying issue, Dr William Sears explains it better than I am able. He is a Christian and a very experienced paediatrician. He puts some of it down to an innate connection which mothers have with their babies which is unique to any other relationship. It is natural for a mother to feel uncomfortable when she hears her child cry for long periods. It goes against her nature to leave her child, instead of tending to his/her needs. When others impose this method onto a mother it is unfortunate.

We have so much pressure to force our child to sleep right through the night when they are just babies. For most children this doesn't occur until they are two or three years old. We are made to feel guilty if we comfort our baby and parent him/her to sleep, when in fact most babies need this reassurance that we are closeby and accessible if they are distressed. In fact it is now believed that babies sleep lightly because they are need to wake easily if they are too hot or cold, or if they are unable to breath. When they need comfort and reassurance as they go to sleep, this imposed detachment from their primary care-givers causes unnecessary levels of stress for them and their parents.

For parents there are no easy answers to the hard questions. But sometimes we make some things more complicated than is needed. My sister-in-law is happy with the controlled crying method, while I am not. But we both love our children and are trying to do our best as mothers with what we understand to be suitable for us and our children. In the end, I'm sure God gives us strength for the journey, whatever parenting style we choose.

Shalom
Anne