DP believes in controlled crying.. I DON'T.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My DH told me he believed in CC while I was pg. Then he saw Niece being "control"-cried: there is nothing controlled about it. It is watching a baby scream and turn red and have her breathing go funny. He told me on the way home there's no way we are doing that to our children. So I was lucky in that respect. He's not great at comforting DS, but he will hold him while he cries.

The Science of Parenting (as already recommended) is fab as it shows MRI scans of the brain damage done by CC methods.



BTW, historically a baby's cry is geared to attract predators. That's why parents don't let baby cry: they want to keep baby safe and a crying baby isn't safe.

[Keira]

Thankyou for all your replies girls, thankyou for your support... i really need it. I emailed DP all the links to the CC articles on BB, which he is yet to read...

We have spent the entire day yelling and screaming at each other about DD crying, AND, it happened again... I went out to pick up some dinner and came back to him telling what an awful time he had with her while i was out, he said that she had a huge crying fit and he couldn't settle her - Gee it's funny how my gorgeous placid baby girl has never ever had a "huge crying fit" before, and how come I can always settle her instantly with a hug? I know the real reason is because he just lets her get hysterical, he thinks (and i'm directly quoting him here) "babies should be left to cry - it's good for them" PFFFFT!!!

Honestly, I am exhausted after trying to reason with him all day - he won't listen. I am going to go out and buy every single book there is on CC. I'm actually at the point where i don't want to leave her alone with him. It's such a shame he's so stubborn about something that's so simple to fix, and my DD is a great sleeper, she just likes to be cuddled to fall asleep and then she sleeps on her own just fine. I should also add that he leaves her to cry for everything, not just sleep time issues, whether she's hungry, needs a nappy change, anything, he thinks she's doing it for attention. SHE'S 4 WEEKS OLD. She doesn't know what attention is. She just needs love.

I really don't know how i'm going to get through to him.

Thanks again for all your replies girls xox

[Nadine216]

I read you posts and I feel for you. I had similar argument on CC with my DH when dd just came home and all I did was to put her in her cot crying, went and sat with him on the sofa and ripped the remote from his hands, turned off the sound on the TV and then just sat ... it took him no more than 30 seconds to tell me to go and pick her up. Regretfully, I don't think that is going to work with your hubby.
Do you think he will read the books? Do you think that would change is mind? Maybe he is scared to handle her?? When dd came home, DH would not pick her up on his own accord. The times when I HAD to leave her with him, I would come home to chaos. (he even phoned his mom to come over one night I went to pick up some groceries - I was not even gone for 20 minutes!!) She crying, him frustrated. I just feel that at that age, they feel very quickly that you are not near and that may give birth to the "crying fit" becoming hysteria, and him maybe being "unhandy" and "unsure" can only be like fuel on fire.
hun, it's not nice to have an argument about something like that when you are suppose to consentrate on baby. Could it be that he feels a bit left out? Maybe that is why he feels she is rooting for your attention by crying, maybe he is the one in need of some attention. You know how they get when they have to share.
PS. She is beautifull - looks like a little angel. You are one truly blessed couple!!

[rurumummy]

My DH is the exact opposite,he cannot handle hearing DD crying,even now she is 14mths and she will be having a whinge because she dosnt wanna sleep and he makes me pick her up and says how can you leave her crying,i tell him she needs to sleep and sometimes its just a whinge because they want to be up and playing.so because of DH DD wouldnt sleep on her own without being rocked until she was about 11mths ,he started a new job and wouldnt be home at bed time and thats when i got her into a routine,she cryed for the first 2 nights for about 15min and then thats it she got used to sleepin on her own.When i told him he simply said i just cant handle her crying,then i realised maybe its not the fact that he feels bad for her but maybe that he gets anoyed by the crying!!!!.
anyway one off track here,but i just say try and show him some material about what you believe is right and at the end of the day your the mother and you know whats best for bubs

[fionas]

Keira - I agree with everyone else, she is far too young. Keep things simple - tell him that the more you comfort her now, the less she will cry in the long run. I'm lucky my DP thinks that CC is BS and will go to her just as much as I will. As a result, we have a baby who very rarely cries (only when hungry).

Maybe he needs to see this as a project. I haven't used it myself but I know there are DVDs out there that suggest that babies cries can be interpreted. An "owww" sound means hungry, an "ehhh" means wind etc. (I have probably got those wrong but you get my drift). Perhaps if he saw that your baby is trying to communicate and it's possible to work it out, he will be more patient. If he's someone who likes to work stuff out, thinks everything is logical and solvable then he will probably take to it like a duck to water.

I wish I knew the name of the woman who put it together. I'm sure someone else will know - I think it's Tracey something. No time to google right now, I REALLY need to eat brekkie.

[kungfubecca]

HI,

You are doing a great job, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The Australian Breastfeeding Association has some information on co-sleeping I believe, and you don't have to be breast feeding to utilise it.

My DH has on occasion said just let him cry, and I've gone into a room to see why DS is crying and he's ignored him.

I did not discuss the issue I told DH that he was a baby and was crying for a reason, most probably hunger, tirdness or he just wanted comfort. being left to scream doesn't solve any of this. I was lucky that my DH realised that if sleeping with us meant he got sleep then he didn't mind that.

My DH wasn't that bad really, but I did make sure I let him know that babies under 3 months don't know how to manipulate you with crying and so no amount of cuddling is going to ruin them or anything like that.

One thing my DH doesn't understand is that while I don't always know what the cry means, I know the difference between a whingey whiney sooky cry and a very distressed or in agony cry, the later really tugs at my heart strings and I don't care how old my son is, if he's crying like that i'm going to cuddle him, even when he's 30 Though I won't let him sleep with me then lol

[Haydies]

Another one here for The Science of Parenting - just the first chapter will make him change his mind.

[kyliealysha]

I'm not a big fan of controlled crying either, but definitely not for a one month old!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Fiona, you're thinking of Tracey Hogg (the "Baby Whisperer") and, just my opinion here, she's not that great in book form. I'm sure she'd be great in person but I found her book very patronising and it didn't work for me at all (in the early days - it took months before I could pat DS to sleep and then he has to be on his tummy). Luckily I know my baby better than a book so didn't stress it too much, but if I were just a fraction weaker some of her statements could be very upsetting.

[fionas]

Keira

I hope things are going better for you - let us know how you are doing. I just wanted to correct my earlier post in which I said that the baby language thingie was by Tracy someone. It's actually by Priscilla Dunstan and is called Dunstan Baby Language (it's on DVD) - so not the one you were thinking of Caryn.

If you google it you'll get a wikipedia article which will tell you more about it. As you'll see, it's been pooh-poohed by academics challenging its scientific basis. I wouldn't read too much into that - academics will challenge anything put forward by non-academics and put five scientists in the same room and they won't agree on anything very much.

As I said, I haven't used it extensively myself but certainly think it's possible to interpret babies cries so think there is something to what she has to say.

I hope things are working out for you.

[Ozziehoffy]

Keira... to you hun. I wish your DP would see it your way... there's been so much good advise and good points already said. I'd like to add that babies do need to be reassured that you are there, especially when they're as young as your little Mia. I used to find Oskar cried a lot more when he was very small but now hardly a peep out of him unless he really needs me. They need to know that you haven't left and you're there when they need you and they're yet to understand and work out that you are not far away from them. I sincerely hope that he reads something and sees that CC is very damaging, particularly in such a young baby. I was told I was spoiling Oskar, but if spoiling him means showing him I love him and am there to give him cuddles and food etc then yep, I'm spoiling him rotten!!

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

You must be going insane right now trying to deal with this. I feel so lucky to have a partner who sleeps on a mattress on the floor so me and DD can have the double bed to ourselves lol.

I have absolutely no idea what you can do about this.

I'm sure this has already been mentioned, but there are some articles on this website that he should have a look at this. If you ask me, this "controlled crying" is a step backwards into the times of "tough love" for babies, because "babies are greedy and selfish and need to be taught otherwise." (My MIL says things like this to me and I just want to go off!) Point being, hopefully you can convince the husband to read some of the information on this site.

The thing is, the parents (particularly the main care giver - usually the mother) are the first experience of trust a baby has. Babies don't cry because they want something, they cry because they need something (even if it's just a cuddle or some attention), and when you respond to their crying promptly, they learn that they can trust you, and that they are worthwhile people who will be taken care of. People who have parents who respond to their babies properly have a more positive outlook of the world and believe that generally, people are good. They withstand the hard knocks of life better because its built into their brains that the bad stuff is unusual, its not the norm. They also have the confidence to leap over the hurdles in their life. (A counselor friend of mine told me all of this).

People think that when they let their baby cry, their baby has self-soothed. This is rubbish, the baby hasn't self-soothed at all, it has given up. Baby has realized that no matter what she/he does, no one will come and help them and attend to their needs. They withdraw because they learn that they are alone and vulnerable in the world. Apart from the emotional and psychological consequences, its dangerous! What if baby is crying because he/she is in danger? Or what if she/he's hungry? Should a baby just go without food or a clean nappy or extra warmth/less blankets, or be in pain from teething with no relief or comfort?

Ugh. CC is a terrible practice. I really hope you can get this sorted out. I don't know what he's like but if you can, i think you should put your foot down over this. It's just so important.

edit:

I've just read through this thread again and I am really concerned, hey. I absolutely wouldn't leave my baby with my DP if he did this. I mean its one thing to let them whinge for a minute and wait and see if they fall back to sleep (when they're older than a month old, pls!), but even advocates of CC don't recommend you leave a baby who needs food, warmth, new nappy etc. to cry!

I really think that you should do anything and everything necessary to look after your child and not let him railroad your parenting anymore. And if that means that you sleep with your baby in a different room (in a bed of course - sofa co-sleeping is dangerous), or better yet, HE sleeps in another room, then you should do it. If he absolutely won't allow you to take care of your daughter, I would find other accomodation until he comes to his senses. I'm sure that sounds like a huge overreaction but the first two years are THE most crucial time for a baby's development, particulary emotional and psychological development. He could do a lot of damage if you let him. Not to mention the effect that this is having on you.