Hard when you're out I knoiw, but what you're doing at home is good- they need a time out.
I may seem sily but i use the Nanny's method of NAUGHTY CORNER, and all I have to do is threaten it and she behaves.
Do you get down at her eye level?
Do you tell her it's not exceptable?
My mum said I bit, so when I didn't stop she bit me, and she said I never bit anyone again! Im not saying hit her but maybe a little smack back might be the go-only my opinion, good luck darl.xx O
Thanks for the help Nadia. I have tried giving her a smack back but she just carry's on doing it until i take her to her room.
The eye level thing i have tried but have to hold her as she moves her head away. Not said it's not exceptable yet i will give that a try.
I would say to her quite sternly that "In this house we use our words not our hands, if something is upsetting you tell me what it is do not hit mummy or smack or you will go straight to your room" Then if she does it again take her straight to her room, no warning. Then whilst she's in there explain again that she is to use her words not her hands, and that when she can apologise she can come out. Then when she does get upset about something but tells you rather than hitting you praise her. Whilst Paris has never been a hitter, a gf of mine did this and it worked well, it took a while for her child to understand the consequences of their actions but once they got the hang of it it worked wonders. I wouldn't be smacking for smacking as I think that sends the wrong signal to the child, but I am not a smacker at all so thats just my way of thinking.
I saw something on the TV this morning about an interesting technique. It was on the Kerri-Anne show and they had a psychologist on there. He had two little discs - one with a nice smiley face on it, the other with a frowny face on it. He was saying how you have the smiley faced disc out whenever your child is behaving well etc, and when they are naughty, you get out the frowny face disc. You basically say to them then that they need to "fix up" the frowny face.....the idea behind it is that they learn how to 'repair' relationships. As your child starts behaving by doing the things you ask or actively doing things to 'repair' or 'fix' things, then you put back the smiley face. That way they see the consequences of their actions. I think the point is that it shows them how you feel rather than you losing your temper at them and yelling, or even using words that they may not understand yet.......a picture paints a thousand words kind of thing, and something that they can relate to.
I have no idea if that helps you at all Michelle, but I just thought I'd share that since I saw it this morning!
Emily does the same thing... athough she oesn't do it when we are out so..? I think I have heard DR phil or someone say that leave the shopping centre and go to the car for time out... bit of a pain in the bum, but I think they will get the idea.
I can only talk from a teacher's perspective (so tell me to shut my pie-hole) but positive reinforcement is very powerful. The smiley face idea that Melinda was talking about sounds great. Either that or you could make her a sticker chart. Just draw a chart up yourself or make one on the computer. For each day that she doesn't display the behaviour that you don't want her to display, she gets a sticker (you can find some great stickers in $2 shops or even on teaching supplies websites). This way she gets a visual display of how well she is doing.
I did this with the kids in my class last year and they were sooooo proud of their sticker charts. You can add other incentives too - like, when they get 5 in a row, they get a prize or bonus stickers or whatever tickles their fancy
Whilst I agree that positive reinforcement is a great idea, I dunno about the sticker chart for me (on a permanent basis) it would be too much and I wouldn't want them to get into the habit of expecting something in return for good behaviour iykwim? I think in extreme cases it can be quite useful (seen it used before myself) but I don't think it shouldn't be used for all behavioural problems otherwise you could start a problem bigger than the original one, that being they need to be shown they are appreciated through stickers/presents etc. I think verbal appreciation is a great start because its something that you can follow through their whole life. And if you are finding its not working alone maybe adapt the sticker option until the smacking phase seems to be over and then abandon the stickers iykwim. Which I did similarly with Toilet Training, we adapted a similar routine and when she finally got the hang of it we made a big hoo haa out of it and told everyone how proud we were of her in front of her, I think she was more gushy about that than the reward system LOL! I am sure this is what deb meant anyway but just wanted to clarify my thoughts on it 8-[ ! Just my thoughts and deb I would NEVER tell you to shut your pie hole, you have a whole heap of experience under your belt my girl and valuable experience at that!
Thanks everyone for your help. I will give the happy and sad face ago and see what happens.
I think i am to blame for a lot of it as when Kimberley gets out of hand i smack her and that is the only way she then stops. So today i have been really good and counted to 10 before i did anything and she has not been that bad.
Kimberley never smacks other kids or anyone else other than us. In fact she has been the one that has been pushed and hit before.
That's great Michelle
Emily is the same as Kimberley atm... just smacks her Mum, Dad and older sister in sheer frustration, and to see what response she can get. It's hard to deal with because you can't ignor it because it is something they have to learn is wrong, and smacking them sends the wrong message... It's very frustrating huh?
Cailin and Shannon - I agree with you. The positive reinforcement thing probably isn't a good idea for core behaviours. I haven't gone through parenting a toddler yet, that's why I said to tell me to shut my pie-hole, LOL. Reading all of this is only going to prepare me for when Gabby gets up to these sort of antics! Can you picture me have 1000 sticker charts around the house??
Michelle, thats great news. On the smacking thing one of my gf's went through a similar thing and she realised it was because she was a smacker herself, the child often associates that mum or dad smacks when they get cranky with me so they think thats what you do iykwim? Good on you for trying something different. Its so hard to try and reprogram ourselves opposite to how we were raised but the benefits are there I can assure you This is just what I've found for us, and I am happy with it. I know not all families are the same
I give my boys a treat at the shops when they are being good. If they play up I tell them that thay will go to the car and go home with no ice cream, lolly or whatever they ask for. I have to follow up my words on occasion and just walking to the carpark snaps Mason into line.
I've tried the sticker thing and I think mine are too young to understand how it works. Mason throws a wobbler when I put the stickers back in the cupboard, he wants to stick the whole sheet on the chart #-o
hi michelle i have the same problem with my son he is 17mths old hits me pulls my hair can get very nasty when something doesnt go his way when he is naughty i will normally smack him on his hand so i think its a double edge sword he thinks im being naughty so he smacks me it was only last week i was about to pull my hair out because of this situation would ya beleive it i tried the naughty corner i said u dont smack mommy you go in naughty corner for 1 min it took about 3 or 4 goes and would ya beleive it he actually stayed there he cried his little eyes out i think i almost cried to but i find its actually working he still smacks occasionally but he is getting better my son is very active and a strong lilttle mind i feel if he can stay there anyone can
good luck
Sammi-j if we are at the shops and i have the double pram with me when Kimberley is naughty and she is walking she gets put straight in it. She is learning that mummy will not stand for it anymore.
I have been talking a lot more to Kimberley when she does something wrong and it seems to be working also when Alex is asleep i am spending more time with her and she loves it. She now enjoys being told a story instead of taking the book away from you to try and read herself.
I like Sammi-j's idea of a treat at the shops, especially if it is random and unexpected rather than promised. It's sort of like a big kiss and cuddle out of the blue, "You've been so good the last few days that today, for no apparent reason, we're going to have an ice cream," lets them know you notice when they're good and not just when they're bad, which I think is really important.
As for the need for attention at the negative end, I've seen time-out works well. I have a friend whose parenting I admire who follows each one up with a quiet chat that goes like this: "Do you understand why mommy sent you to your room?" "yes" "What did you do that was naughty?" "I did X" "And why don't we do that?" "child explains" "That's right. If you're ready to stop doing X, you can come and play with the rest of us now." Sometimes the child needs help with the explanation, but it's a great way of helping the focus be on talking rather than acting out of anger. It also reinforces the rationality of behavior as a choice and trying to make good choice.
I'm struggling with the hitting thing myself, since DS is a little young to explain things like this (at 19 mos, he seems to hit out of frustration that he doesn't actually have the words to say what he feels). But I still try to explain to him that we don't hit and why, as well as trying to teach him some useful words to help him express what he needs. (The best one so far was to teach him the word "help" so that he can ask for it instead of just getting frustrated.) Hopefully, as he gets older, I'll have the patience to continue with the "words not hands" approach, though I know it's hard.
Good luck!
Annie
Registered User
How to stop smacking and hitting???
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