It's Time For A Change

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I am at my wits end with DD1 and i KNOW it's an age thing as so so many people are also mentioning that this age group can be a little 'difficult' but it really is time for a change, an attitude adjustment for both DD1 and myself.

DD - Turned 3 in October and has always had a bit of an atitude, total daddy's girl and thinks he is going to save her world when she's in trouble with me, while she doesn't get everything she wants and she is not majorly spoilt by us she does have quite a bit and has quite a bit of freedom.

ME - i need to stop yelling, i am starting to sound like my mum and it's driving both DP and I nuts. I need to calm down and realise no matter how clever DD is, how helpful she is she is still ONLY 3 yrs old and doesn't always get why i am so angry.

Plan of attack:
1. Naughty Mat - i have grabbed an old bath mat and put it facing a wall at the front door, when she is being naughty and not listening (all day every day) or throwing a tantrum for no reason she will be placed on the mat, when she is finished i will look her in the eye, talk calmly, ask if she knows why she was there and then explain to her, tell her i love her and let her go.

2. Deep breaths - i must remember to COUNT TO 10 before i say what needs to be said when i am angry or frustrated at her, take deep breaths and not yell when she's not paying attention.

3. Mummy Time - i am going to ask DP to look after DD2 and try and take DD1 for some mummy time, maybe take her shopping to pick a present for DD2.

So who's with me, is it time for a change.. what is wrong, what needs to change and whats your plan of attack?

[leckert]

sounds like a good plan

I'm not sure how to change things for my DS & me - I'm currently stressed out at work and pg and sick so I'm less patient than I'd like and the munckin does NOT like to go to sleep at night.

[Party-of-five]

I could have written that post

I feel like a terrible mother atm because all I do is shout. DD1 can be very good and helpful but when she is not being entertained she can be a right little turd.

I feel a little lost with what to do...we are hoping to enrol her in 3yr old kindy for next year so hoping that helps a bit just waiting on the paperwork to arrive

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

DD is enrolled for kinder too, also hoping it will help her realise not everything is about her.

She had a MASSIVE tantrum infront of MIL on sunday, was good someone else saw it as she's normally an angel when there

Let's work through it together, what do you think?


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[indie24]

My DD is a month older than yours. I have the same problem where seem to yell all day. I find if I focus on telling DD what I want her to do ie "Use your inside voice" rather than telling her to stop yelling I don't tend to yell so much.
Just thought I would share something that feels like it is helping me and to let you know you aren't alone

[BeautifulMadness]

I'm at the point with both my boys were I keep telling them off. Warnings. Timeouts etc

So I've started taking stuff away from my eldest.

[Stevie]

i actually need to take on that attitude through out everything atm .. like most kids DD feeds off my energy and i have been so stressed out lately and she senses it i think which (doesnt make her play up more) but doesnt make her want to ease up.. mummies having a moment. she is very stubborn (i know shes a litttle younger than whats being talked about here) she is a cheeky little so and so.. (if she smacks, i smack her on the hand so she smacks at me harder with that lool on her face - you all know the one lol)
i wish i didnt yell.. i dont want to be one of those mothers

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Hmm my naughty mat didn't last long and both the girls are pushing me at the moment so i think it's back into a plan of action.

1. Remove them from the situation - ie. if yelling at each other etc seperate them and each gets a punishment.
2. Remain Calm - i'm so so sick of yelling and screaming and being the horrible one
3. Follow through - i'm about ready to throw ALL their toys out a window.. no more threats i'm going to pick 1 and do it.

[Shanti]

Do you make sure the girls get 1-2hrs of "quiet" time each day? My DD doesn't nap anymore since turning 3 and I make sure we have quiet time where she has to respect my needs for chill time. It's when DD2 is asleep and I can recharge, as can she!!

It's hard when your DD is very strong willed and opinionated isn't it? DD1 is like this

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

They get quite time but I don't, so they sit & play while I run around them, then they get annoyed I'm not paying attention.


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[Liviam]

Right here with you so I'm feeling your frustrations. Sending you massive hugs!!

[kelebek]

Instead of threatening to throw the toy away (cause let's face it we don't like to throw away money) could you tell them that it sits on the fridge/cupboard whatever for rest of the day or tomorrow? It can't be for too long as it looses it effectiveness but long enough that shows them that you are following through and require them to do certain things.
I promise this too shall pass


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[Traveller]

I too promise that this will pass. What worked with my daughter was putting her in her room when she started to tantrum. There was no set time limit, she could rejoin us as soon as she stopped tantrumming. It took a while but the tantrums did eventually mellow a bit and now she is 4 she almost never has them. This seemed to work on three levels. 1 - she learnt that tantrums got her no attention. 2 - I was less likely to lose my temper when she was out the room and 3 - this gave her time to herself to regain her composure. I have tried a naughty spot in the past but tbh she would just scream louder. Going to her room worked well as it is her space where she has all her comforts and toys so she feels less monitored and is able to calm herself. Once she gets past the tantrum then of course she gets lots of cuddles, etc, but nothing whilst she is having a screaming fit.

[briggsy's girl]

Instead of threatening to throw the toy away (cause let's face it we don't like to throw away money) could you tell them that it sits on the fridge/cupboard whatever for rest of the day or tomorrow? It can't be for too long as it looses it effectiveness but long enough that shows them that you are following through and require them to do certain things.
I promise this too shall pass


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we do this - E's toys may be taken away for five minutes, it may be several hours, depending on WHY we've taken it away. usually it's because we've asked her repeatedly to take thigns out of the kitchen while we cook - so because it's a safety thing, it goes in the spare room until the next day, when she asks nicely. the door is open and she goes in there, so can see what is there, but it's put up out of reach. if she cracks a tanty cos we have taken it off her (semi-common) she is asked to go in her room until she can calm down

we also have a "count to three" situation - if she is asked to do something (anything) and doesn't we ask again, then it's count to three and if we reach three, it is done for her whether she likes it or not. so if she is asked to clean up toys, and she doesn't, it's a count of three, then we clean them up and take them off her for a period of time

[OceanPrincess]

We've started a similar approach to Trav when DD tantrums - I tell her once that I do not like that noise and she will achieve much more if she speaks to me nicely so she can stop and speak nicely or she can go to her room and close the door because we don't want to hear the noise.

It works really well. We aren't forcing her there as a punishment, like Trav says it is her space so she is comfortable but removed from the situation. She also gets the choice of stopping or going to her room.

As for other discipline - I need a change too. I am getting some real attitude and she completely ignores me a lot of the time. It really frustrates me and I hate being the angry mum. We use the "thinking spot", like a naughty spot but we call it thinking and send her there for thinking time.

It hasn't been working very well. Today she used some bad words in the car so I've taken one of her favourite toys away from her. Initially I said it was until after our music session, dependent on her behaviour. It didn't come back, so I gave her another chance, she got it back but it was soon confiscated again.

See how we go tomorrow.

[minimatron]

Thamks for the tips.... I have a threenager as well and OMG she pushes our buttons! If i rmemeber rightly dd1 did the same thing but sfter she hit about 3.5 she started to settle down.... now to ride it out!

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Ok i'm back here, i NEED some ideas for BOTH of the girls.
They are both sick at the moment and are in some SHOCKING habits, the whinging, whining and general rude behavior has to stop as they are driving me MENTAL.

So i thought i better recap here but i need to come up with some ideas - i do yell, i do threaten to smack and i do smack i'm not proud of it but in the past it has worked.
But things are not working and while DD1 apparently is a gorgeous angel when at kinder and the like she's not at home and it's driving me bonkers.

RULES:
1. Limit the TV - now that the weather is getting nicer i'm thinking TV in bed in the morning while DP gets ready for work then not again until late afternoon. (this will take some getting used to as it's my babysitter while doing invoices & the like)

2. I need to break the whinging for something cycle - HOW? DD2 will cry and cry and cry and ask for specials (which can be fruit, biscuits or milk etc) and if i say no they try and get it from the cupboards themselves.

3. Set bedtime & night time routine - no falling asleep on the couch - dinner, bath, TV, story & bed.

4. Rules for making their bed and tidying their room - this needs to happen daily, they NEED to start picking up things and knowing i wont just do it.. DD1 made her own bed yesterday and was so proud, so i'm getting out the rewards chart again and letting her do these things.

Argh i know there is more.. need to work on a tactic for naughty behavior and a time out spot?

[Kahlan]

Its tough isn't it? Especially when you are tight with time.

Here is my 2 cents worth of input. For me the reality is discipline requires time. Naughty mat, naughty corner and all that needs time and ability to carry through which we don't all have.

When we went through a very rough patch with DD always taking her brother's toy away, acting out, including hitting and biting me when I intervened I ended up flexing up and dropping everything to ensure I mean business. Sometimes it took me 1.5 hours to enforce the "face the wall" (time out) strategy. This included repeatedly taking her back to the wall and telling her to turn around and face the wall and that when she stops crying and carrying on then I will talk to her. I never reason with her when she is crying or carrying on as I find it doesn't sink in. The only thing I will say when she is still very upset is that I am not happy with her behaviour and she must face the wall. I find having my DH being the go between person very effective. She would run to him to get support and he would without siding with anyone asks her what is going on, tells her that mummy is very upset with her and that she must go to the wall as mummy asks. He takes her there and helps her to calm down. Once she is somewhat calm I tell her why I am not happy with her behaviour, ask her to say sorry to her brother and/or to me and then hugs and kisses. Sometimes she need prompting from my DH to apologise. Sometime later in the day or at night I would revisit the incident, asking her why she thinks I made her face the wall which often I find she could articulate my rationale back to me quite clearly. I then tell her I don't like to punish her and it hurts me to punish her but she needs to treat her brother fairer as I would expect him to behave in the same manner.

We now have very few incidents of this nature. She still grab toys off her brother but as soon as I say give it back to your brother, he had it first, she would give it back. Sometimes it would be require me to count to three.

On reflection, I think my children respond to my discipline because I think firstly I don't do it often (the extreme with facing the wall thing). I always prewarn them with what I intend to do. My DH and will always be the go between person for each other when it is required. The rule is to be supportive to our very upset child but at the same time not to undermind the other partner.

Good luck with it all