Parenting labels..why do we use them?

[Cocolove]

Mass generalisations don't get you anywhere.
Do you realise you came in here upset because you felt judged, recieved some really lovely advice then turn around and make a MASSIVE judgement yourself?

I havnt made any judgments im saying everyones way is the right way & that labels are ridiculous

[Lulu]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

Oh ok, I must have read this wrong then?

[Astrid]

Honestly in defence of "gentle" parents, often they are the ones attacked and critisised in the real world. Often without provocation at all, often they are the ones going about doing their own thing. To find a gentle parent "attacking" another parent in my experience is quite rare and if it happens, tends to only happen online. Also any criticisms tend to be vents amongst other gentle parents, so the only way that someone could feel attacked by that would be if they were reading threads that they should not.

For example - I don't control cry, as such I would not go into a pro- control crying thread or forum and if I did I would have to deal with what ever they had to say about parents who cuddle their babies to sleep. It would upset me to read it, so I just don't there.

[Heaven]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive,

Well done on not being judgemental there. Totally minding your own business .

I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from now, you don't want to be judged right? But it's ok to judge others? That's not gonna fly unfortunately. I find if I am non-judgemental towards others I will get the same in return, generally. I liked what you said in your first post:

We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

[krisp]

The thing is people judge, people put labels on themsleves and others - it's just the way things are. We are human, we are all flawed.

Myself? - I consider myself a "gentle" parent. Not because I co-sleep or did extended breast feeding or a baby wore but because I am gentle with my children and I love them unconditionally. I kiss their teary faces and bruised knees when they fall down, I cuddle and sing to them at 3am if that's what they need to feel safe after a bad dream, I try and explain why there are clouds in the sky and why the sky is blue and the last words they hear from me every night is "Mummy loves you".

You see I AM gentle, I'm not labelled, it's simply what I do so that when my children encounter others they in turn will be gentle....

It's not a label it's a lifestyle choice.

[Early Kids]

This is another one of 'those' threads. It doesn't matter if you are 'gentle' or 'strict' it doesn't matter if you 'home-birthed' or 'hopsital-birthed' it doesn't matter if 'breast' or 'formula' fed. None of it really matters as long as YOU, the parent, are happy with YOUR choices!

It sucks that we, as mums, judge other mums for their choices. But it is after-all part of our programming as human beings.

FWIW, I don't believe in the 'labels' either. I contradict all of them because I do things MY way.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I don't see how gentle = smothering.

I could get quite hurt after saying I was more gentle than not and trying to be supportive that you would turn around and say I smother my child and judge others' parenting. I'm not going to, as your opinion on my parenting style and label mean nothing to me (only my son gets a say), but I could.

[Arcadia]

It's not a label it's a lifestyle choice.

:yeahthat:

Judgment is a circle. You have to put out to receive it back again. Perhaps you are actually judging yourself, because I make it my business to never judge people for their parenting decisions. Being a mum is hard enough. Be kind to yourself. Only you know what is best for your child.

[Jaycee]

Lulu has summed it up so well, there are labels for just about everything you do, that doesn't mean it's offensive or judgemental.

However, I must say, that by saying that gentle parents "smother" their children is being quite judgemental on your part don't you think? However, I'm not going to take offense to that as I am happy with my parenting choices, and it really only matters what myself, my husband and my son think in the end.

[Inanna]

This has been such an interesting thread hey? For it shows really how easily judgement can happen and can be perceived.

I hope I don't smother - but me personally I am really content with my choices most of the time. I haven't really got the time or energy to spend time thinking about the rightness or wrongness of what other parents do.

I reckon it's a tough gig - and we just need to get on with it and now wonder what everyone else thinks of us or says.

I hope you can find some peace Butterfly

[Jakabella]

Parenting is such a tought gig to begin with - and it sometimes involves alot of guilt. I have had tonnes of it - couldnt breast feed so FF, use sposies, sometime co-sleep, never CIO.. ect
But the guilt that I have felt was oftern put on myself by ME! I have a terrible habit of reading things and feeling like they are a direct hit at me and my parenting - but they are NOT.

Everyone feels judged at some stage no matter what we do - I now know im my heart that I have done the best that I could with the cards / choices that are delt and at the end of the day my little girl is healthy and very very very happy so thats all the matters.

I hope that you can work through all these feeling you have and come to some sort of peace xox

[Trillian]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so I am only going to give my take on it. Putting a 'name' to a parenting style isn't about judgement at all. It is merely to a put a name to a way of doing things. Like the Truby King Method, which is your CIO and your more detached style of parenting. Then there was the Spock method which is kinda a cross between the Truby King Method and the Continuum Concept (or more commonly known these days as attachment parenting) but the Spock method tends to have more influence from the Continuum Concept. Gentle Parenting IMO is part of attachment parenting, but not as strict in regards to baby wearing and co-sleeping. You can still be a 100% gentle parent and use a pram and cot kwim? It's a way to describe your overall parenting philosophy and was never EVER designed as an attack on someone else just because they do things differently. Plus to just say you follow that parenting philosophy is a heck of a lot easier than describing all the different ways you do things to people. I like being succinct

As for me? I choose to follow the Trillian parenting style because I do what works for me and everyone else can go jump in the lake It is a mish-mash of all parenting styles (except I don't do CIO) because I have 4 children who are all very different and don't fit the mould of one particular style. I like to have some sort of routine to my day, just as much as I like to play it by ear. I loved co-sleeping from time to time, but I loved having my bed to myself again. I wish I could use my carrier all the time, but it is a pain in the ass when you want to try on clothes in the shops, so a pram is awesome. I don't feel judged because those who are attachment parenters probably don't like that I have a pram, just as I don't feel like a freak when I get asked by someone "Isn't he heavy?" when I wear my 2.5yo on my back. I have the confidence to do what makes me and my kids happy and that's all that matters. If you get hung up on 'labels' then that is an issue that you need to work on yourself, because you are projecting your issues onto everyone else by bringing it up in the way you have.

[Lolli]

Interesting.

I just wanted to add here that I think a lot of it comes down to not what you do, but how you are. We talk about gentle parenting assuming it means bf, co-slept, sling-worn, cloth-bummed, but who says you have to do any of that to be a gentle parent-er? I always thought it was more about having empathy for your children, respecting them as little people and treating them as such.

Labels are really good if they are good for you. I like to label myself a 'gentle parent', it reminds me of where I'm trying to go with this parenting thing, and it gives me a sense of a 'village' within my decisions. But I certainly don't think of anyone else as 'hard', nor as 'smothering'. being a gentle parent is a label for me, that I take on. But having said, I don't define my parenting choices by what a 'gentle parent' should do, but rather as my own decision, coming from a gentle parenting ethos.

[FabFiona]

I've enjoyed this thread (although not the stereotyping). I've honestly never heard of all of these parenting styles before..

gentle mum, the attached mum, the working mum, the gina ford/tizzy hall mum, the stay at home mum, the social mum, the helicopter mum...

Does a helicopter mum just whirr around all day?!!

[Trillian]

A helicopter Mum is defined as a parent who hovers over their children, not letting them get hurt, making sure that they are succeeding at school etc. basically a parent who is way over protective of their children.

[krisp]

I've not heard of the helicopter Mum

Now I realise that maybe i am one...LOL

My MIL told me that I need to relax a little and let my DS climb up too high, ride his bike too fast, jump too far etc etc etc.

This is fascinating stuff....

[Shanti]

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

didn't you just 'judge' Gentle parenters then by saying what you just said?! I 'gentle' parent my daughter but I don't 'smother' her so you r implying that we, as gentle parents, do that to our kids? Hun, you need to be a bit more 'tactful' in the way you word things. And generalising like that...... I certainly don't judge other Mum's.

Yes I use gentle parenting for my DD, that is how we CHOOSE to do it in our family. Doesn't mean we don't set boundaries, have limits etc.... BUT I don't walk around saying I'm a gentle parent blah blah.... it just doesn't come up! If people ask.... then I say we co-sleep (out of necessity to survive!!! LOL!!), I BF, baby wear etc.... thats my style I like.

I don't see how the 'terminology' can upset you? Regardless whether you have PND or not.. (with all respect).

ps - your parcel was sent today

[Astrid]

Interesting.

I just wanted to add here that I think a lot of it comes down to not what you do, but how you are. We talk about gentle parenting assuming it means bf, co-slept, sling-worn, cloth-bummed, but who says you have to do any of that to be a gentle parent-er? I always thought it was more about having empathy for your children, respecting them as little people and treating them as such.

I do not see cloth bummed as being "gentle", I see what I put on their bum not really related to how I parent as it is a practicality, more of a lifestyle choice. So when I refer to gentle, I never mean cloth. I suppose it does really show that labels are what we choose them to be.