Now just to clarify up front... there is NO JUDGEMENT here. The mother I am talking about is doing a stellar job under very challenging circumstances and I don't know how I'd cope in her situation. She does her best to manage her DD's behaviour but I strongly suspect that her DD has developmental (language delay and impulse-control) issues that are driving her behaviour. She's a lovely kid under the chaos and defiance and I know she doesn't 'want' to hurt my kids. I'm just trying to weigh up my own children's welfare versus the needs of a friend...

My friend, not a close one, but a friend nontheless, has a daughter the same age as my DD (3 years) and a 6 week old DS. She has absolutely been through the ringer over the past 4 years. She's a single mum, the dad is no help whatsoever, her mother has advanced cancer and she has minimal social support. Both kids have/had severe reflux and, well, her daughter is a handful to say the very least.

I really want to support her and I know she needs company. BUT... every time we have spent time with them her DD's behaviour has meant that the whole experience is extremely stressful for my kids and myself. Her DD will shove my DS (11 months) and scream in his face until he cries, snatch his food and any toy he touches. She will scream at, push and snatch from my DD... last time she upturned my DD's lunchbox all over the floor, took away everything she tried to play with, ripped up the craft she had made and was generally in her face and confrontational over everything. My DD is, for the most part, a very 'good' girl. She is pretty shy around others, tends to be cooperative and loves nothing more than playing tea parties, dress-ups or dancing with her little girlfriends. She gets so overwhelmed by my friend's daughter's behaviour that she ends up crying if she is even looked at and over the course of our visit, it builds to her getting over-sensetive and hysterical and me having to work pretty hard to keep her happy and calm. After we visit... she's revolting. She talks back to me like she's seen her little peer do to her Mum, she's moody and defiant and melodramatic... I think part of this is a reaction to the stress, and part of it is that she's interested to see what will happen if she tries on these kinds of behaviours.

Things are marginally better if we go to a play centre or park, but my friend finds that managing a newborn and her DD is too much in these environments. Her DD is prone to running away, taking huge risks, getting into trouble with other kids and refusing to leave, kicking and screaming all the way to the car.

I'm so torn. Frankly, I don't enjoy spending time with them at all and neither do my kids. I really care about my friend and want to be there for her, but don't want to stress/harm my kids in the process. I don't know if I have the courage to say to her "sorry, we can't catch up because your daughter's behaviour is too stressful for my children", and I know that this would really hurt her / further isolate her. I just don't know what to do.

Thoughts??