Self settling

[Arimeh]

I was hanging out the washing before and thinking of you Tasha. What is your dh doing in all of this? I know you have said that he does the 10pm feed to let you sleep - but what else is he doing? Parenting isn't just the mother's job and if that is the only help he is giving you, then quite frankly, that's crap and he needs a kick up his patootie.

Is he helping with the housework? Does he take her from you when he gets home of a night from work so you can relax and recharge?? Parenting is an adjustment for all involved, including fathers and its not fair if he hasn't had to adjust anything from his life to help make your life easier.

There are two of you and one newborn - that's the best equation you can have. Two people to help tend to her. Two people to do housework.

I remember when ds was about that age and wouldn't settle of an early evening - we would pop him on the couch on his belly and take turns patting him on his back to help him go to sleep. We worked as a team - is your dh being a team player or does he need a stick where the sun doesn't shine? You don't have to do it all yourself when you are married - there is someone there to help you and who should be helping you.

There's no "i" in team remember

[black_rose]

I think you really need to listen to the girls on here, there are plenty of us who are telling you it's normal those in your life who are telling you it's not aren't living your life with your dd. they have either forgotten the reality or were lucky to have a baby who loved sleeps. I remember writing all of ds's feeds down for my pead over a couple of weeks one day there were 10 feeds so he was averaging around 2.5 hours even over night. Exhausting but normal for him.you can't change the way babies are you have to find a way to work with it. Have meals ready to go in the freezer invite someone over to have cuddles so you can shower and I have to agree your dh needs to do more than an occasional feed.

[Ladylove]

Oh my goodness Tasha, my mum would say the sme thing! 'None of my 6 babies were hard to settle'! But do you know what I've realised, mothers with children that are all grown up sometimes forget how hard it was. They probably went through the same thing!

Take a look around BellyBelly. Threads about babies not settling easily or not sleeping through the night would be among the most common here! You've GOT to let go of expectations. Yours and those of people giving you silly advice and unrealistic worry. She is only 7 weeks!

Stop reading stuff that offers one-size-fits-all opinions. Actually no, if you want something heartening to read, get some Pinky McKay. I've got a couple of her baby sleep books and they were a saviour when DD was tiny simply because they re-asserted my instincts regarding unsettled babies needing attention and cuddles rather than timed crying routines and the like.

I think I wrote this in my previous post but one of the best pieces of advice I was given was to bunker down on the couch with a bag or table full of goodies like a book, magazines, DVDs, snacks, water, the remote ... Etc. if you feel too tired to drive then don't. Lie on the couch all day for a few days - you will feel so much better in the end. Order groceries online, get hubby to cook, your mother to bring over food, whatever makes it easier.

This is an unavoidable and essential part of motherhood, odd considering so many advice columnists would suggest otherwise. Your baby needs so much attention because she is so new to the world. She doesn't know how to do anything yet! Everyone goes through it, mother and baby, and for some this period is easier than others but it's a period we can't avoid but we can make easier on ourselves.

And don't forget - you are not alone in feeling like this. I felt that way 100%. It's really, truly a hard period. It's not just you and it's not just your baby. You are not doing anything wrong, and you are not alone in this situation. X

[onthefly]

If it were normal for babies to sleep effortlessly and alone, then there wouldn't be an enormous industry devoted to telling parents how they're doing everything wrong.
Two things I know to be true:
1. Experts/book authors know **** all about any body else's kid.
2. Parents lie.

[maybebaby2012]

Our babies are but a few days apart if I remember Tasha & I'm walking a very similar path with regard to the amount of sleep we are getting. My little mr is still feeding 2hrly at best through the night, if the slightest anything is bothering him it can be more like hourly! He can and does sleep slightly longer stretches during the day but still the longest has been 3.5 hrs.

[peanutter]

Dearest Tasha, I have been there in so many ways.

With DS2, I got so tired, I didn't know whether to scream, weep, or vomit. Add to that my boobs feeling like they were going to fall off, expectations of others, having to go back to work around 8 weeks after DS2 arrived, trying to take care of DS1, the house, meals, finances ... yep, it was really rough. It felt like I was living on fumes, and I felt awful.

I loved my son, I was glad he was there, I just wanted to get enough sleep that I could feel like I was awake and alive and able to get things done!

It took time. A lot of time.

Which was a rude shock, because DS1 slept regularly - but he was the odd one out, in my mothers' group. They had experiences much more like DS2.

One day at a time.

Focus on the essentials - the actual essentials.

Like eating, laying down, and getting some fresh air.

Housework, laundry, the garden - it can all wait.

Reading, TV, social commitments that aren't going to feed your soul and make you happy - can all wait.

Getting photos organised and printed, and thank you cards written - call all wait too.

See if you can find a couple of things that help YOU sleep when you can... I found some classical music (Bond, Holst, Beethoven, etc) sent me straight to sleep... no words, very soothing, mind clear and me asleep in under a minute often. Or a weighted eye mask, a little scented hand cream, or whatever. Find something small which soothes you, but takes no real time to do.

And then every time bub goes down - go straight down too. Even if it's just for 40 minutes, every little bit helps at this stage.

40 minutes of sleep compared to the dishes being done - no contest. Housework can get a look in when you've got two grown ups around - or by any random friends or family who drop by to see you.


And please please please get onto PANDA or somewhere. I'm very concerned you have PND or similar. Everything seems so much worse when you're not getting enough sleep - but please don't assume it's just because of the sleep deprivation, or adjusting to a new baby. Please talk to someone.

[AndiE]

Tasha,
You've received some fantastic advice, but above all the consistent message here is that your baby girl is normal. Totally normal. The sleep deprivation you are suffering, is unfortunately normal too. Peanutter's post is spot on. Sleep when you baby does - night and day. Focus on eating, sleeping and your baby. The rest waits, and if your DH or anyone else isn't happy with that then hand them the tea towel, duster or vacuum cleaner. And just as Peanutter has suggested, I'd like to also gently say go and talk to someone, hopefully a caring GP. I too have wondered about PND, or at the least, anxiety. There are people who can help you Tasha. Take care xx

[Bloom]

Tasha, if you feel that something isn't quite right with how your little one is going, then please listen to your gut and get some help!

I'm going against the grain here and saying that perhaps what you baby is experiencing isn't necessarily "normal". It very
well could be within the "normal" range, but then again maybe it's not. And if you as are her mother are worried, then maybe you could go back to the person you saw before about settling? Or see a trusted child health nurse, GP or maybe a really experienced mum that you trust?

I'll explain why I'm saying this (and yes, I agree that I am biased). My 2nd child was very unsettled and we went through a merry go round of explanations of wind, reflux, settling issues etc and I was often told "oh it is normal for a baby to cry, wake often, etc". My first was a very placid child, so I was also told that I didn't know what a newborn could be like. In the end, a trusted mother of 4 spent the morning with us and said that I had to take him to the paediatrician. It took a while to figure it out, but turns out my baby had a cows milk allergy (and was formula fed, which is based on cows milk). Now, I'm not suggesting that your little one has an allergy, but I'm just saying, that it is not always "normal". To be honest, if I'd listened to my gut I knew from 7 days old that something wasn't right, but he wasn't diagnosed til 3 months.

I hope this alternative perspective has helped a little. You have been given lots of great advice by other posters.

[toomanyshoes]

Tasha this thread must be very overwhelming by now

Please stop trying to work out what is normal and reach out for some help from panda or similar

Even though I agree with all of what's been said so far I'm sure it's very hard to absorb all this information at the moment, you need some help to get back into a better frame of mind so you can start to tackle all of this.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Good advice, Bloom: Liebling has a cow milk intolerance and hou la la did we know about it when he had any dairy! 7m old and sleep for 30 muns, pace around singing for 90. Every cycle, every night. My dad was the same, Granny's advice (goat milk) helped a lot.

But even so, Liebs is planning his 7th b-day party and the sleep patterned detailed is still him, maybe once every 4-6w. If it is just feed and sleep, no pain, screaming and pacing, it sounds very normal. But always worth getting it checked, jic.

[Arcadia]

Yes I'm worried we are chasing you away.

Please search for some of my old threads to see you are not alone (2009). Sending hugs.

[Yas]

I just can't do it. EVERYTHING I read and EVERYONE I talk to days that by 7 weeks her sleep should be longer at nights. DH is away tonight so there is no bottle from him and no sleep for me. I fed at 10pm, 12:30, 3:15 and probably again at 6am. My eyes are burning and I can't function. I'm scared to drive because I'm so tired. And all I keep hearing is that this isn't right. Mum said "you kids went down easily, I had no problems" and DH " DS slept through at this age, I don't understand what's wrong" a friend if mine "yeah, my DS is sleeping in 5 hour blocks at night" I've hunted other forums and they all have endless posts about their 7 week olds sleeping longer at night.
Why won't my baby do this!? I can't take it anymore.

Tasha, I understand you are struggling right now, I understand that you're tired. As a fellow mother of three kids I get that- its exhausting. But you really have unrealistic expectations and seem to be ignoring the advice of so many people that have reached out to you.
It is very depressing to realise that solid sleep is a thing of the past for a time- but it is. When you stop struggling with it and follow your bubba's lead it will be so much easier.
I know no-one who has a 6 and a half week old that sleeps a regular 5 hour block at night, and so many people on BB have said the same.
The awesome thing about having one child is you can sleep while they sleep- do it, take what you can when you can. It will get easier.

[possum magic]

The sleep deprivation can be gruelling. Knowing it was normal for a newborn to wake lots and be unsettled helped me a bit as I thought it wouldn't go on forever.

Both of my DDs cried for hours in their first 3 mths of life- despite lots of demand-feeding and cuddles. Feeding lying down on my side was a life saver; I could doze while they did. With DD2, the other life saver was my Hug-a-bub (cloth wrap) sling. In her early weeks of life when nothing else calmed her crying, wrapping DD2 on my chest and walking round the house with her, patting her, generally worked for a while and gave my back a rest (more comfortable than carrying her in arms for long periods).

It's a tough time those first few weeks especially. Get as much help as you can... and that includes professional help if you continue to feel you can't manage. You are not alone.

[little_O]

did you end up seeing anyone in regards to the feelings you have been having?

The reality is she is a baby. She cant feed herself, she cant change her own nappy, she cant control her limbs, she cant settle herself.

Bottom line is because she is a baby, thats why she has parents. We do these things for her until she can do them herself. My DD is 14 months. She can feed herself (kind of), she cant change her own nappy, she can control her limbs and she sure as all else cant settle herself yet.

I dont know what books you are reading or what forums you are trawling or which other people you are talking too, because i know the experienced mothers i have read and dealt with on here are on the same page as you. The nurses i spoke to when i felt like i was dying from sleep deprivation were on the same page too. Heck even my ob said to me, you're a mum, unfortunately thats the downside of having and amazing gift of life given to you.

The only thing you can change in this situation is how you feel and are coping.

Have you been to the childrens nurse? I know i have told you this before but they were amazing. They let me hang out in their clinic for a morning and showed me how to wrap dd, settle her and how to relax myself. They helped me with my breast feeding. They helped me feel like i was in control and had the support on a physical level.

The government gives you that help for free....take it. Use it. Let them help you achieve your mothering goals.

As for the books and unrealistic parents who say a baby sleeps, tell them to take your daughter and see if they can do any better.

Hang in there, its only a short window that your child wants cuddles all the time!

[beansbeans!]

I too hope you have talked to a gp or nurse or a counsellor.
And this slightly off topic, but in regards to parents forgetting about the reality of parenting little ones by the time their children have grown...
My girls are in full blown tantrums, the normal sort that all kids go through. But when my mother in law witnesses these he informs me that my girls are not normal, or that they must get the tantrums from me because her son had one tantrum in his whole life. One tantrum, otherwise he was perfect, he ate anything that was put on his plate, he toilet trained on his own in a day, and had one tantrum. All of which is not true, but it's how she remembers it, and I can't do anything about it.
My point is, parents remember things how they want to once the stage has passed, especially once the child is grown. It's why listening to well meaning advice can be more harmful than helpful.
I agree with the others that if you believe deep down there is something wrong with her, go see someone, otherwise I'm sure you know deep down that your dd is normal and you have to roll with it.
But I really hope you have or are booked in to talk to a health professional, your addiction to getting her to sleep appears to be overriding such a special time.

[Calluna]

Hope you are doing ok Tasha.
I havent posted as I dont have anything to add that hasnt already been said, but Ive been thinking of you.

[peanutter]

Thinking of you too, darl.

It's so hard in those first weeks.

Just one foot after the other. One day at a time.

[buliej]

I'm a bit late but our DS2 had colic (diagnosed by pediatrician) - he did not sleep unless held or rocked for the first 13 weeks of his life (well, first 13 weeks at home, he was in hospital for 4 weeks because he was 6 weeks premature). DH took time off and at night we took turns - someone would sleep while the other held DS2 or rocked him in bouncy chair...sometimes he'd actually fall asleep and we'd get a 4 hour block where no one needed to rock or hold - that was huge and not the norm during this time! I did do most feeds but pumped at 9 so DH could do the next one. It was the worst 13 weeks of my life. DS1 was nothing like this. We got a sitter during some days to help with DS1 (our regular sitter who he knows and loves) - this helped a fair bit. Sometimes I used the sitter to watch/hold DS2 so I could do something with DS1...something that didn't involve driving as I was not fit to drive. DH helped a lot, but we also fought a lot - we were both so tired. I think the fighting is almost inevitable when you are that sleep deprived.

Right when we could see that DS was growing out of the colic as he became a bit more settled (as in less crying/seemed to be less uncomfortable), I had a woman who was recommended come and help us with settling (I'm Bayside Melbourne which may be close to you). She was FANTASTIC - her program worked like a charm and did not involve excessive crying (as in, not more than 2 minutes which - I'd say it involved no more crying than the amount of crying that could go on if I decided to shower or use the toilet at what seemed like a good time but turned out to be the "wrong" time). If you are interested PM me.

DS2 was clearly craving sleep...he quickly started sleeping his 3 naps and all night (with 2 feeds at first - I'd get a 5-6 hour stretch but often it was the early stretch so it didn't really help with my sleep, then down to 1...now he's 7.5 months and he sleeps through about 50% of the time and 50% still wakes for a feed...even when doing her program, I chose to continue to feed on demand at night even though I could have tried settling without feeding).

DS2 is now a happy, rested baby...but I still remember thinking we had made a mistake when we were in the middle of it all...