Bec - I don't think I've considered how far to 'take' unconditional parenting. What I've taken away from reading the book has not been difficult to integrate into my life with DS. Actually, it did more affirming of how I relate to him than change my world. I have a kid who has never been rewarded extrinsically or punished to extract co-operation, so what happens is that when he has to do something that's out of his control, he adapts well to it and realises that there are things mummy has to do that he doesn't get a say in. I wish it weren't so, but it is, and I do apologise to him for taking away his agency in those cases - I do work to keep situations out of DS's control to a minimum. I don't subscribe to "because I said so" parenting, even though DP is more inclined to do this! I really think that because I've been unconditional with DS since birth, it's easier for me to get down to his level (physically) and explain that we're doing something that's not his choice. I'll always look at ways to make it nicer to be disempowered...like packets of chips at the supermarket!! I know I get disapproving looks from other people when I just hand them over to him and I don't much care, cos I always get a "Oh, thank you, Mummy" in the clearest, most genuine voice! I haven't really had meltdowns out in public (and rarely at home, unless he's super tired) because I shove a boob in his mouth and he emotionally regulates in this way.
When he's been a bully to someone, I am careful to apologise to the victim, ask if they're ok and keep DS back from them. Lately I have been finding myself pulling him away and telling him not to hit - because I have felt this is what the other mothers want to see, so it's a PR exercise. I know he'll learn more by watching me 'tend to the injured' (as Bath puts it!) than by admonishing him and it's a personal battle to go against the PR exercise reaction and keep up the moral example, because the latter 'works' far better.
For example - when DS accidentally hits me with a broom (thinking of when he was 'helping' me sweep the hallway), or has a bad nipple attachment and I say 'ouch' he stops and says "oh, sorry, Mummy". I know it's because of when I apologise on his behalf to other people, and also because I've hassled DP to make sure he says sorry, please and thank you (another thread again, using P's and Q's - DS is following convention and that's fine - Kohn writes about Ps and Qs being explained to young kids by saying something like "people like to hear it", so that it becomes about human relations than understanding the arbitrary nature of gratitude and verbal utterances that go with it).
Anyway, I think I've done alright to establish the terms of our relationship on the basis of unconditionality. After reading Kohn's book, I made more sense of the complex way I relate to my own mother and I realise that if she had read the book and been ready for its messages, she would have parented the way Kohn writes about. I got emotional so many times through the book because he hit nails on heads. It infused me with so much compassion for DS, and also for my mum and dad.
It's not that hard to parent without smacking once you shift the way you relate to your kids