See this is where it gets foggy for me Maya, with the "thanks!" versus "good boy/girl!". I strongly feel from looking at DD that she (and only she, until i have another kid i won't know how they will be) senses approval WAY beyond specific words. In general i tend to thanks her for good behaviour, but i sense that to her, that's praise. I don't think she differentiates between "thanks" and "good girl" (which i do say occasionally) because when she's done something useful/helpful she will say "DD helped Mama! Sooo PROUD!" and strut about pleased as punch with herself She's very energetic and finds something to do herself if i don't keep her busy, so i tell her thanks about 100 times a day. On the other hand if she's getting under my feet and i'm frazzled i will say on occasion "DD that's NOT helping, can you do xxx instead please!?". I have never said SHE's naughty, but i have told her a behaviour or action is naughty/dangerous/hurtful. In our house "naughty" is the mildest of criticism, "dangerous" is the most serious and "makes mama/DP sad" (reserved for when she hits or wrecks our stuff) is the probably the one we move on from slowest. If i tell her she's doing something a bit naughty she comes and waits for me to give her something better to do. If i tell her something is dangerous she (usually) stops right away and that's the end of it. If she's hitting or something she is told that it hurts and asked to stop and if she doesn't she's warned she'll be put outside the room and we demonstrate "gently hands" and say "nice to mama/DP" and if she continues with the hitting i stick her out in the hall to think it over for a bit. If it goes that far (rare) i pop my head out and ask, after a moment or two (never more than about 90seconds unless she's raging outside the door, then i go out and ask her to please sit and calm down with deep breathing (which i do with her). Once she's calm i ask if she's ready to come back and join in and she says yes and i ask her to apologise to the victim for the hitting and then we all cuddle and move on.

TBH i can't remember whether i was told i was a "good girl" or not. My mum was terminally ill by the time i was 14 so i did masses around the house and she and Dad were always really grateful for my efforts, even when they weren't up to their standards. I think the ongoing "crisis" of her illness made us very like that though, grateful and caring more than we would have been in a "normal" situation. I can remember that i was constantly told i was beautiful, strong, intelligent and funny. My sister occasionally says she felt sorry for me because or their "expectations" but their delivery must have felt better than it looked because actually i just grew up knowing i AM all those things Modest too....lol.

I don't really reward DD as such with "things". When she uses the potty she sometimes asks for her Tigger (a tigger eggcup full of raisins) which she gets, but other than that i can't think what i reward for. If she wants a magazine and we can afford it (never more than one every 3-4 weeks) she can have one. I don't buy her sweets or treats but i always share my own if i'm having something yummy. I do often say "you're my good kid" but not in response to her doing something, just in passing, in the same way as i'll say "i love you".

Bx