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Thread: Those who have 2 or more young ones...

  1. #1

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    Default Those who have 2 or more young ones...

    ...how do you cope??? How do you stop from having a mental breakdown?

    I am such a patient person, but omg, this is beyond a joke! I'm having a hard time trying to please both Lily and Charlie. Charlie is constantly wanting a feed or is just ear piercing, blood curdling screaming(which by the way is so hard to listen to while driving!) and Lily is very jealous so is constantly wanting attention or is mucking up because she's not getting it. I can't even go out anywhere because all Charlie does is scream. And wow, the looks i get from people when he does. It's like they think i'm killing him or something! And the nerve of some woman tell me to feed him because he looks hungry. I had just fed him, he wasn't crying because he was hungry! Then all Lily does is run off and won't hold my hand or go in the pram. I just had Charlie on the boob and had to feed Lily with my other hand, talk about multi-tasking. Jacob now has a job so he can't really help if he's not here. BUT my main fear is that he has just been accepted into the air force. He leaves for training on 13th Feb next year. He'll be gone for 10 weeks to Adelaide. How the hell am i going to cope then? I have no family, no friends. I just don't know what i am going to do!


  2. #2

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    Tegan it is hard to deal with two little ones and i know how hard it will be once Jacob goes to Adelaide but you will be fine. Maybe try and get in to a routine before he goes. With Lily and i know not many do it but have you thought about day care for her so at least you get a day with just Charlie and you get a bit of a break.

    I'm the same as you i have no family support around me and some days i don't know how i do it but i have managed to work through it. I take everyday as it comes and if the kids are driving me crazy i just take them out even if it's just to the park for a little while.

    Hope Charlie stops all the screaming for you soon.

  3. #3
    angelfish Guest

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    Hi Tegan, sorry you are finding it so difficult right now (((hugs)))

    First can I say that IT REALLY DOES GET EASIER. Truly. Remember back to when you first had Lily. Total shock if you were anything like me. Whole days of feeling like you've achieved nothing, military logistical planning to get out of the house and go anywhere, etc. But after a few weeks or a few months you got so used to it that you felt weird doing anything without her. Well it's just the same with two. After a while you'll just see that as normal, and if you ever go out with only one of them it will be like a holiday. As time passes, Charlie will become more settled and Lily will get used to being a big sister. Eventually, they will be able to amuse each other for a few minutes while you have a cuppa and read!

    In the meantime, I'd suggest to get yourself some support ASAP. If your relations or friends are not nearby, meet some new people near where you live. Join a mums group, an Australian Breastfeeding Association group, a church group or whatever you can find that might suit you. Ask your child health nurse what support is available locally, down here we have several organisations that will help parents both over the phone and with visits. Make the effort to get out of the house, you might meet up with like minded people at the playground, park or cafe. Or see if someone you trust can come and stay with you to help for a while, especially if you partner does have to go away for a while. (But I bet you'll be coping fine by then anyway) If at all possible, consider making some time with Lily alone, so that you can give her special attention to ease the transition and jealousy.

    Hmmm it's getting late, I'd probably be able to think of more suggestions in the morning... but the main things for you to know are (1) you're normal - it IS hard to adjust from one to two (2) it gets easier quite soon and (3) don't hesitate to ask for help, especially if you're feeling anxious, depressed or generally overwhelmed.

  4. #4

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    Actually this is very much a shock because Lily was never like this as a newborn. She slept through the night from 4 days old and i'm talking like 8-10 hours a night. She never screamed, just whinged. She was an absolute breeze really. She was never clingy either, always hated being held, whereas Charlie wants nothing more than to be attached to me 24/7.

  5. #5

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    Tegan first of al huge hugs for you hun. I don't envy you at all. I know that I am a person that would not cope which is why my children are spaced out abit more. (please don't take that the wrong way)

    Have you tried putting Charlie in the hug a bub or carrier ??? I know that it may be a pain having him strapped to you but atleast your hands are free.

    Lily is doing what any normal little girl or boy does at that age. You have to remember that she was used to having you all to herself and she's still too little to understand that she needs to share you now.

    If you know that Charlie is fed, dry and has no wind, wrap him and put him in his bed, turn on a cd for him, like the music for dreaming or whatever and walk out. He will be fine and he will settle before you know it.

    Use this time to spend with Lily. Go and read a book, take her out the back while you hang out the washing or whatever. Of course I am not saying to ignore Charlie, just to get him out of your arms and give you a break.

    Does he always scream?? Is it a pained cry?? Do you think he may have reflux ?? Remebering that not all reflux ends up with a baby spewing like mad.

    Charlie is a different baby to Lily, and the first thing you need to stop doing is comparing. That will do your head in. So far all of my kids have been different. And let me say, if I thought Joel was bad when he was a baby, he's got nothing on Tehya. Actually none of them have. She is a right, royal witch!!
    Last edited by Trish; November 9th, 2006 at 10:21 PM. Reason: fixing my shocking typo's

  6. #6

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    Yeah he does scream all the time. Unless he's feeding. Have tried the music thing but he just drowns it out. I thought it may have been colic but i don't think it is. It is a painful cry most times. I was thinking reflux, but he never spews. But you say not all of them do? I don't know. I feel usless. I don't get much sleep, i don't even have time to eat half the time!

  7. #7

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    Tegan, I was thinking along the lines of silent reflus.

    I had a search and found this. Have a read and see what you think.

    SILENT REFLUX

    Silent GER refers to GER or GERD without any outward or typical symptoms. This could mean that a child isn't vomiting or appearing uncomfortable but is having reflux episodes. Some children may swallow the refluxed material (refluxate) back down instead of throwing it up, in some kids it may not come up enough to actually come out the mouth. This can be much more difficult to diagnose, since the most common symptoms are not present. It can also be more damaging as the refluxate burns the esophagus on the way up and again on the way down. Whether or not the silent reflux needs to be treated depends on the complications that are arising from it.
    Some symptoms that can indicate silent reflux are:
    • irritability and pain
    • poor sleep habits typically with frequent waking*
    • arching their necks and back during or after eating*
    • frequent hiccups*
    • frequent ear infections
    • refusing food or accepting only a few bites despite being hungry* or the exact opposite requiring constant small meals or liquid
    • food/oral aversions
    • anemia
    • excessive drooling
    • running nose, sinus infections
    • sinus congestion
    • swallowing problems, gagging, choking
    • chronic hoarse voice
    • frequent red, sore throat without infection present
    • apnea
    • respiratory problems—pneumonia, bronchitis, wheezing, asthma, night-time cough, aspiration
    • gagging themselves with their fingers or fist (sign of esophagitis)
    • poor weight gain, weight loss, failure to thrive*
    • erosion of dental enamel
    • neck arching (Sandifer's Syndrome)
    • bad breath
    As with regular reflux, the child does not need to exhibit all the symptoms listed to have silent reflux. If you believe your child has silent reflux, start with lifestyle modifications as suggested in the article on 14 Steps for Helping a Baby with Reflux. If this is not enough to help, you may need to bring baby to the doctor as the next step may be medications. The treatments page will give you a list of the medications used to treat reflux.

  8. #8

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    You poor thing! I had the opposite with my girls - the first was FUSSY like crazy, and the second was easy going. I found with my first that the snugli or sling or hug a bub or whatever carrier you want was a GREAT thing. Some fussy babies also like the swing (mine didn't - made her sea sick) I also used to lay her on a towel on the dryer when it was running sometimes, and the warm "rumblyness" seemed to soothe her.
    As far as trying to "please" both your little ones, unfortunately, sometimes it's not possible. Lily is going to have to learn to wait for you, and that's not such a bad thing. It will help her to learn patience. But it won't be fun for a while. My older DD had the same issue when the younger one was born. It's a hard adjustment for them, but it is good for them to know that the world does not revolve around them. (I found that to be comforting to remember when I felt like I was "neglecting" her to take care of her little sister)
    I'm sorry, I don't have a great solution for you, but it will not last forever, and I'm sure that by the time your DH has to go off for training, you'll be in a much better routine, and it will be OK. In the mean time, I would really recommend the sling for Charlie, and maybe a few little kids DVD's for Lily, for when things are really crazy, and if you can manage it, GET OUT by yourself for a little while! Get DH or someone to watch the kids and go for a walk or have a warm bath (with the door closed ) Relax your standards about everything else (ie. housework,etc.) or get help with that if you can, for a little while, and just work on getting through the day. It will be OK, you will make it!

  9. #9

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    By the way, just wanted to add that colic is defined, I think, as crying more than three hours a day for more than three days a week. Sounds like a possibility. My older DD was colicky. The chiropractor helped a fair bit, but she mostly had to grow out of it. The bath and car rides helped too, and the sound of a vacuum cleaner. Music didn't. And her cry definitely sounded like she was in pain. She would also sleep lying on my stomach, with me "jiggling" her up and down.

  10. #10

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    Tegan I hear you lol! It is hard with 2. Makes me think 'Wow it was so easy with only 1!'. I suggest a carrier for Charlie too and DVDs are great tokeep the older one amused, particularly when feeding the youngest. I never wanted Lucie to watch much TV and DH still doesn't like it, but honestly it is my sanity saver and stops Lucie climbing all over Ned and throwing tantrums when he needs my attention. I just make sure there are times when I play soley with her if Ned is asleep.

    And try to eat too. Have some simple things in the fridge you can just grab and eat. Even if you have to buy stuff like prepared pasta salads and the supermarket, at least it is semi-nutritous. Or maybe make some extra sandwiches if that's what Lily is having for lunch so you can try and eat one too. It's hard I know but it helps your energy levels and head space.

    I try and get out every day. Even if it's just a quick walk to the shops. I throw the kids in the pram and go.

    I don't have any support here either so totally know how you feel and it is very daunting.

    Ok gotta run lol.............

  11. #11
    jaffa Guest

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    Hi Tegan, I know exactly how you feel, just believe me that everything does get better. My eldest DD has just turned 2 and my youngest is 11 weeks and things are only now becoming easier. I remember feeling the way you do only a couple weeks ago!! The lifesaver for me, especially in the mornings and evenings when I am trying to get everything organised, are Hi-5 DVD's. Charlotte loves them and will dance around while I am attending to Victoria and trying to get myself ready.
    Do you have a park nearby?? I put Victoria in the baby carrier and Charlotte in the stroller and walk over to the park. It kills time and I find that Victoria will generally go to sleep and Charlotte enjoys the time outside.
    Victoria used to cry alot, especially when I put her down, but the last week or so she has been really good and contented. I think it's because she is that little bit older now and can amuse herself a bit by looking around.
    It is important to look after yourself aswell. I know that a lot of the time I didn't have time to eat, but without food you have no energy and the 'little' things seem to affect you more. It is a downward spiral. If you look after yourself it will be easier to look after your little ones.
    Things will get better for you, just hang in there. You have done a great job so far, remember this is the hardest time. (That i'm aware of anyway!!)

  12. #12

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    Tegan.
    Gosh we are in the exact same boat at the moment....my kids are the same spacing as yours and we're trying to deal with this too. And we're having a hard enough time and Toby isn't really too difficult - I can't imagine trying to cope with a screaming newborn I'd be crazy

    My DD was also a very easy newborn - never needed rocking or settling to sleep from birth, never cried, was just easy peasy. Toby does need help to settle and he is a bit of a mummy's boy he likes me to hold him alot more than I'd like. It's hard not to compare them but as someone already said I have had to stop doing that because it does make it harder. We have to deal with the babies we have now, not the ones we wish we had. It is hard though when you have one child already but that hasn't given you the experience you need to deal with this one.

    Emily is good with him but she does act up something rotten if she feels she isn't getting th e attention she should be. Toddlers love to help so I try to involve her alot - she feels very affectionate towards her brother and wants to kiss and hold him all the time so I try to play off that and get her to help me bath, feed, dress etc. I've noticed that when I get exasperated and shut her out (just because I want to get it done quick or whatever) that's when she really plays up badly.

    I use the HAB carrier alot - Toby likes being held and he will sleep in there or just look around so I can make dinner or spend time with Em. I've heard HAB's are great for colicky babies so maybe something to try.

    Another thing that has helped make my life easier is we found a gourmet meal place that delivers frozen meals and ordered a heap of frozen dinners. We've run out of the stuff we cooked before he was born and I'm still finding dinner time difficult so this has made things much easier. If Toby's being fussy and I can't get to dinner there is always something to eat. It wasn't that expensive actually and has saved my sanity numerous times. You gotta eat especially when you're breastfeeding!

    I don't really have much of a support network either but I do have MIL here who takes Emily for two days a week at the moment so I can get some housework done and recoup my sanity. I also agree with everyone who said get out of the house if all else fails - it's a pain to do it but I find it helps me alot. Sometimes I just pack them up and go wander around the local shops.

    I hope things get easier for both of us soon, I knew this was going to be hard but I don't think I was prepared for this either . Hang in there.

  13. #13

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    Oh Tegan hugs for you! I know how hard it is right now hun, it will get better over time but right now I know it must feel like there is no end in sight. All I can say is take Charlie to a doctor or MCHN as it does sound like reflux could be a possibility. Also, you need to eat! Easier said than done I know, but it is so important for you to eat to keep your energy levels up, especially with breastfeeding. You could try drinking Milo or Sustagen, or both mixed together in a milkshake - a midwife told me to try this to help give me a boost during the day and it does help.

    I really hope things get better for you soon.

  14. #14

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    I have a 2 year age difference between my two, and for a long time I used to fee like my life was just a living hell. I tend to have demanding babies who won't let me put them down for a second, which is extra difficult when you have a toddler who needs your love and attention at the same time. It's also such a drama to organise leaving the house with two so young. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that it would get easier, and it has. It will be hard while DH is away, I'm wondering of the air force will put you in touch with other air force wives in your area. Hang in there, it is going to get easier.

  15. #15

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    you poor thing have you thought of putting lily in to childcare for 1 day a week while your DH is away, is there mothers groups around your area or even a young mums group, i go to one and i love it, they are a great group of girls.
    i have a 20month age gap and i must be lucky as both are pretty good, we have our moments when madison wants all of my attension when charlotte wants a feed, but we get through it.
    i would take charlie to the doc's to see why he is screaming the way he is, or go to your local health centre. Good luck.

  16. #16

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    Tegan - Hugs to you.

    I have at times felt like I`m having a nervous breakdown especially those times where both are crying at once.

    I have over the weeks kept repeating to myself "This has got to get better" at times yes it is better but I still have moments thinking I`m just stupid wanting them so close together, I have been told it gets better, I was in Westpac the other day talking to a lady who asked me the normal question how old are the boys? Anyway she then said there is 18 months between her and her brother and they are the best of mates but she said it`s when they are this age (referring to Adrian and Matthew) that it`s very hard work.

    Keep up the hard work Tegan and soon the rewards will be there when Lily and Charlie are great mates and always there for each other. (now I just have to tell myself that too LOL)

  17. #17

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    Kate - I know exactly how your feeling, I`ve been wanting #3 for a while too, must be these silly Mummy hormones but for my own health I know I have to leave TTC for a good year but in the meantime both Mark and I are getting older and when we go on for a 3rd I`ll certainly be having a 4th unless off course I conceive twins again and I`m lucky enough to carry both my plans will have to change then.

  18. #18

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    I must be mad too then Dh and I said we wouldn't start talking about TTC #3 'til next Christmas, but I already can tell that it won't be that long!!!!!

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