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Thread: To those who are an only child / who have 1 child

  1. #1

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    Default To those who are an only child / who have 1 child

    I was wondering if your an only child - if you feel this has affected you in any way? ( negative/positive ).. Do you hold it against your parents that they didnt have any more kids ??
    And to those who only have 1 child and dont plan on having more - how do you feel about it ?
    Reason im asking is that DH wants to have more kids , and as soon as possible.
    I really only want 1 child , I can think of HEAPS of reasons why only one is enough - but only 1 reason to have another - so Aneta can have a brother or sister , so she wont be alone...
    I want to do everything in my power to make her happy - but just the thought of having more children makes me upset , i LOVE being a mum and i LOVE Aneta more than life itself... and thats the way I want it to stay - Aneta, DH and I - Just the 3 of us



    Am i selfish to be thinking like this ?

  2. #2

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    hI Enigma!

    NO YOU ARE NOT SELFISH! Having kids should be a joint decision and although your hubby wants more he should realise it takes $$$ to have them and relying on government payments doesn't always get you through the hard times. I have a best friend who is an only child and although she sometimes wishes she had a brother or sister at other times she's glad she doesn't because she gets her parents full attention.

    My hubby and I are happy with Aleise and there are no plans for another. I had a very difficult pregnancy and had to go back to work when Aleise was 5 months because we need the money. We also want to send her to a private school (we are Catholic) and that costs money too! If we do change our minds then I will have to start trying in 2008 because I'm 36 and will be 37 in March.

    Remember you're still young and have your whole life ahead of you - enjoy Aneta first then decide later if you want another one. My OB told me that most people don't cope unless their babies are at least 2 years apart - and for those of you who have kids closer than this and can cope then well done!

  3. #3

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    Enigma, I understand completely. I don't think that choice is a selfish one at all. Like you, I can see many benefits from only having one child and just one from having more and that is because I think it might be nice for W to have a sibling.

    DH is an only child and he doesn't feel as if he's missed out but every child is different and so is every family. It's hard in a situation like yours where one partner feels very differently about it to the other. I think that if you are honest with your DH about your feelings, you won't go wrong. He would surely understand that now wouldn't be the time to make any major decisions about increasing the size of your family if you are feeling uncertain.

  4. #4

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    I completely understand and I think if this is how you are feeling then you are definately not ready to think about siblings for little Aneta yet. She is only 5 months old and there is plenty of time to consider, if you do decide to that is, to have another baby. I can remember thinking that there was no way in the world that I wanted another baby after Jess.....i loved her so much..how could i possibly love another..but then the switch went on and i wanted her to share her life with a sibling..and it went from there. If it happens for you it will be right for you and your family.

    Jo

  5. #5

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    Enigma

    I am an only child and believe in no way has it ever affected me (well that I know of anyway!!!!) I have never known any different and I have the best relationship with my Mum and Dad - because as you say - it was always just me, mum and dad - I loved every minute of my childhood.

    You aren't doing the wrong thing and dont let anyone tell you you are!

  6. #6

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    I am an only child and was incredibly loved and didn't miss out on anything growing up. But my dad died when I was 9 and I craved siblings ever since - I think I wanted someone to share my childhood memories with. Also, my mother invested EVERYTHING in me and my dad - when my dad died that was transferred to me. It was very difficult for her (and me) when I decided to leave home, and worse when I married at 20 (mum hated DH). It is a terrible burden as a child growing up to know that you are the only thing your mother lives for, that if something happened to you she would probably commit suicide. Now that sounds dramatic I know, but my mum was married to my dad for 17 years and widowed at only 36, so there were times then that she would have been pretty close to doing it. But she stayed alive for me - something I am grateful for of course, but it is still a terrible burden to grow up with. I am completely fine with mum now and she has a life of her own, but the memory of that burden still haunts me. I wouldn't ever want Flynn to feel that. I think if you are prepared to have your own life apart from your child and DH then only having one is fine, but while it is marvellous to love a child with all your heart, it is a burden to grow up knowing that you are EVERYTHING to someone. Enigma, I hope you don't find this offensive but in good conscience I had to post the "opposing view"

  7. #7

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    I am an only child and loved it. had a great relationship with my parents and never wished for a brother or sister although I do enjoy having SIL now (most of the time). DH and I debated long and hard over whether we would have another but in the end we decided we would like to try for another but I am pleased we left it a few years as that way each child gets one-on-one attention as the other will be at school (nearly). also I didn't think I could parent the way I wanted too with 2 under 4-5yrs without having a nervous breakdown. Also Ds is really looking forward to having a brother or sister. Good luck making your decision

  8. #8

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    I am an only child. I suppose being spoiled and having the full attention was good. But i really was quite lonely. My dad left my mum when i was only 16 months old. So it was just me and her. I've always wanted a sibling. DH is also an only child. This is the reason why we now have 2 kids and want at least 4-5. Our kids won't have any aunts, uncles or cousins. So we want Lily to at least have siblings. Otherwise our family would be quite small.

  9. #9

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    We have one daughter, aged 8, and for a long time contemplated stopping at one. All our family thinks we've stopped at one. However, she is a very sociable and extroverted child, and as time has gone on, it's become more and more apparent to us the benefits of a sibling would have on her. So we're now trying to conceive #2.

    It's taken us this long for us to feel that another child is right. Or rather, it's taken ME this long to feel it is right - DH would've said yes as soon as I indicated I was ready - But like he says, I'm the one that's got to go through the strains and 'work' of carrying a pregnancy, giving birth, and being the primary caregiver in those early years when they are more labour-intensive.

    I don't think there is anything selfish at all about whatever you decide. However, for the sakes of your relationhip, can you take a wait and see approach? You might feel differently in a few years when Aneta is off to school and a bit more independent - or you might not! The important thing is recognising that somewhere in your relationship there will need to be a trade off or a compromise - on both parts.
    HTH
    :-)

  10. #10

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    I think its a personal thing and it really does depend on the personality of your child. There is no way my daughter could be an only child and "enjoy" it. Whereas my gf's daughter loves being an only child, loves playing by herself and has a great old time. Mind you her father was an only child and loved it too. Whereas I was an only child and hated it. I found it very lonely. I don't think any mother is selfish or wrong to only want one child, and if you do have a child that likes to socialise then you just compensate for that in other ways Its never ever that black and white, I too agree with the hold off and see approach...

    Goodluck!

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  11. #11

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    I was an only child until my sister came along when I was 14 (same parents they just took their time LOL). Up until that time I can vividly remember constantly asking mum and dad for a brother or sister.

    My parents spoilt me with love etc and I was my mums best friend but I really wanted a sibling. As much as my parents played with me, did things with me at the end of the day they were that much older then me. I was really quite lonely.

    Dont rule anything out just yet Enigma. There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years. My own personal opinion is that I would never just have one child as I think that for all the gains you have when you are the only child there are just as many if not more negatives. But that is only my opinion.

  12. #12

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    Thanks for starting this thread Enigma! I had such a horrid pregnancy with Maddy that I'm certainly not eager to go through that again any time soon...I promised my DH we'll reconsider when Maddy is about 3 but honestly, right now I think I'd be perfectly happy having just Madeline. I really hope that doesn't make me appear selfish...I guess even before I was pregnant with Madeline, I never really wanted many children.

    I guess I also have the motivation of coming from a family of 5 children. My Dad was occasionally unemployed or on a low wage so we went without a lot. I can remember living in shelters and wondering where our next meal was coming from. I certainly wouldn't want Maddy to ever experience that kind of childhood.
    Last edited by Beckibee; December 4th, 2006 at 06:13 PM.

  13. #13

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    Thanks everyone !.. Good to see so many different opinions - just the way I like it .. all info helps , I know I should wait - but when i decide something I decide it and thats it ( sily me! )

    Becka - im like you , i DREAD the thought of pregnancy ( but i love the baby that popped out at the end hehe )and my pregnancy wasnt even that bad !! .. I think that if a time comes and i re-consider my decision i will have to see a counsellor , so I can survive 9months in THAT state again

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