Time to man up?

[JLeigh29]

Keep up the talking, it sounds like you are making an impact. You might also need to get DH and MIL on board so that they can say the same thing. Even his kindy teacher?
I've seen books about things 'big boys' can do that babies can't, supposed to be for just that. Not sure of titles though - is it worth checking out your library?
Some sort of rewards chart - stickers etc for doing all his 'big boy' things - going to the toilet, eating dinner without being spoon fed etc
Also, can you praise up DS1 for being a big boy when DS2 is around? This is an awesome 'teacher tool' when you want to encourage good behaviour in others. Totally ignore the baby things he does (when you can) but focus on every little big boy thing he or DS1 (friends, school friends etc) does and praise, praise, praise! e.g. "I'm so glad you're a big boy who can help Mummy...." or "Wow DS1, did you write/draw/do that? You are such a strong, smart little man!" or "I love the way you're eating on your own/going to the toilet/walking next to Mummy" etc

[Butterfly Dawn]

Thanks. I will focus more on what he is doing.
I have asked dh to talk to MIL but she will never be on board- activly works against us for the most part with a lot of things. She is clinginf to the 1 grandchild she can, DS1 can see her for what she is and hates all her fussing and other stuff LOL DD is too young and will never be left with MIL if I can help it.

[MrsFabuloso]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing to me. Talk to your MIL. And if she won't listen to you, then don't leave the children in her care. Only let her see them when you're with them. Insist she treat them how you want them to be treated. They are your children and it is your right to parent them how you see is appropriate.

As for what to do with your DS2, I would just be consistent. My DS1 has gone through a bit of a baby stage, wanting to be picked up and carried around, wanting a dummy again after over a year of not having one...things like that, but I just don't do it. If he want's me to pick him up I will get down and hug him while he stands on the floor. Or say 'No you're too heavy for mummy to carry now, you're such a big boy now, you need to walk, you can hold my hand though'.

It might take some insisting that he do things the way you want him to, especially with all of the changes you have mentioned. He is still young and changes are tought to deal with at our ages, let alone when you don't totally get what is going on and why. Be patient, explain on his level why he needs to do what you want him to and why, and (again!) just be consistent. If eh wets himslef, get him to change himself and clean up (within his limitations of course!). If he won't eat his food on his own, he goes hungry (oh the dramas we have with dinner times with DS1 in our house!) trust me though, he most likely won't starve and will soon get the picture. If you don't want to be laying with him to go to sleep, don't. Limit it, maybe reading stories, then lights out sing a few songs or something, and mummy leaves. Do what suits you. He will change, but it will take time and probably some resistance (read tears and tantys) from him.

Try to get him to do things big boys do with you, like help with house work, or with tending to bub, getting nappies, or her blankies or things like that. Make it fun to be a big boy! But also have some time to snuggle and let him be a little boy too, so maybe when bub is asleep, snuggle together on the lounge and read some stories, or just hold him and sing songs or somethingl ike that. My DS1 loves to sit in his rocking chair with me, snuggle into my shoulder and listen to me sing lullabys I used to sing him when he was a baby. I think he hears me sing to his baby brother and likes to think he's a baby too. I don't mind this especially at bed time or quiet time during the day. To spend 5mins doing that helps him deal with the rest of the day like a big boy. Though he still has mega meltdowns and tantys having snuggles helps too!