Subbing- my 17 month old won't down either ATM though no midnight snacking involved!
Registered User
Subbing- my 17 month old won't down either ATM though no midnight snacking involved!
Registered User
TFB, DD is behind on expressive language (we just finished 6 months of speech therapy) and won't answer the question when I ask what is wrong. I ask it A LOT and never get an answer. I'm really looking forward to the day she starts answering it so that I don't have to guess as much... But I digress...
I wouldn't say he wants to be the one to put her to bed, but he chooses to be the one doing it... And he chooses to do it alone by telling (ie yelling at) me to leave when I try to help...
DD does appear to be afraid of the dark and (because there's nowhere inaccessible to her to place a nightlight) we are forced to leave her room light on all night or she screams the house down. We have covered it to reduce the light as much as possible, but there's only so much you can dim a fluoro light... When we have some money (hopefully soon), we plan to get an electrician in to install a better solution (lights with a dimmer switch or a plug up high where she can't reach it so we can put a nightlight up on a shelf), but for now it's the best we can do. If we turn it off after she is asleep, she screams when she wakes during the night... Since DH is the light sleeper in our house, her waking screaming will just be a cue for another midnight snack...
Until we gave up on her daytime, she was often up until midnight because she just wouldn't sleep. Now that we've dropped the nap, she's going to bed around 7pm and generally asleep by 9pm, but it depends on the night - sometimes she goes to sleep quickly, sometimes it's an hours long saga... Last night, for example, she was clearly tired (yawning and rubbing her eyes while sitting on my lap) and we ended up with a huge tantrum. Staying up later would only have made it worse...
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You can offer her the solutions in your words so she just has to pick one.
We sometimes leave on the hall light with the door ajar for Liebs if he needs some light, and we have some glow-in-the-dark toys now he sleeps with.
My DH will opt for bedtime over doing the washing up, but if I am willing to make him wash up again because there's still food on the plate what makes him think he can do a half-arsed job at bedtime? That will not happen. If he tries it, he doesn't get to do it. I may be "mean" but I'd rather have a job done properly, especially where safety is concerned. He yells at you when he does something wrong? Wow, does he not want to be caught murdering your DD? That's what I'd be asking him. No, I just won't allow him to do bedtime until he DOES it rather than just prats about.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
Yeah, maybe it's your hubby who needs some ground rules and boundaries
Lots of kids don't want to go to bed, and common reasons are that they're: being cut of from the interesting stuff, left alone, need help to wind-down effectively, afraid of the dark (which I think is as much about not wanting to be left alone as the dark, probably).
BellyBelly Member
Just thinking, and I'm sure the whole going to bed issues and night waking would stop (after some adjustment) if DH stopped doing the things you were concerned about. Did he accept what the sleep
School people told you when DD was young? If so, I'd definitely try the professional opinion again.
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Here's another reason for your DH...offering food as a 'comfort' promotes comfort eating and can lead to eating disorders/weight issues later on.
I'd be livid if that was my DH! Not sure how realistic this would be (and whether it would cause more resentment), but can you enlist family/friends/someone he respects to 'shame him' into changing? If you've tried everything else, enlist professional help. Some of your concerns are just too dangerous to be ignoring. I'd be refusing to leave if I was worried about supervision at bath time. The PJ's/dressing aren't worth the fight - as long as she wears a nappy, I'd ignore it - DS did similar at one stage; once we let it go, he did it maybe once more. What do you do when he's (not) supervising bath time? If you're cooking/cleaning, tell him you'll swap - DH takes his iPad into the bathroom, so that keeps him there, lol. Could your DH bring a 'toy' too?!
Can you sit down together and work out a routine you both agree to? We share duties here - DH does most of the stuff with DS as otherwise he feels he doesn't see him much (thank goodness for me!). We read on the lounge - usually just me but sometimes DH or both of us (depending on what needs doing in the kitchen). Then teeth (DH usually), cuddles with DS and I, then DH puts him to bed (tells him a story and they have cuddles). Can you try story time outside the room - no books left to destroy, you can 'model' reading, or share the reading (this is how we started as DH wasn't into reading either)? DH loves making up silly stories to tell DS in bed, so that works well here - again, they started simply but DH is now a master storyteller!
Bedtime - is DD picking up on the tension here and could it be contributing to her not wanting to go to bed?
Same for night wake ups - choose an approach together and stick to it - it'll probably get worse before it gets better. Battery operated nights light?
Registered User
We used to leave the hall light on for her when she was in the cot, but now that she's in a different room, the hall light outside our bedroom door is the only one that would help (because of the shape of the hall) and it keeps DH awake if it's on, so it's not an option.
I share your approach of "do it again if it's not done right" and his response is universally, "if you want it done your way, do it yourself"...
Yes, and it goes way beyond what we're discussing here. I don't want to go into it here, but there's a complete lack of respect for me which is very upsetting. He's also depressed and won't tolerate any criticism (on any subject).
Unfortunately, because I was the admitted patient, they wouldn't tell DH any of the instructions directly and it was impossible getting him to accept basic things like "consistency is vital". This ties back to the enforcing rules aspect and he still doesn't get it. I'm starting to think that having an unbiased 3rd party may be the only way he'll ever take these issues seriously though...
The time I was describing, I had left them both in the bathroom to use the toilet in the ensuite. When I came back, I met him coming up the hall from the other direction. After yelling at him about leaving her unsupervised I left them both in the bathroom again and went to the study to do some work (I work part of my week at home) and that's when I heard him come into the kitchen, at which point I went back to the bathroom.
I'd very much like to be sharing duties here too, but it doesn't happen. He carries on and on about the one chore I steadfastly refuse to do for him (taking out the rubbish) and doesn't even do it properly (eg we can have 4 bags of rubbish waiting to go out because it won't do it daily and, as I type, the nappy bin is over-full). I can't keep up with the rest of the house on my own, so it's a mess but he still won't help... Or if he does do something because he needs it done and I haven't gotten to it, he carries on and on about how I do nothing...
Thank you all very much for your advice. You have given me some points to follow up on and made it clear there are some things I need to work on myself rather than trying to change him. It's very much appreciated.
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