Toddler masterbation

[danniellabella]

I read an interesting article on another parenting website a couple of months ago about toddler masterbation and until I read it I really had no idea that it is actually a common thing because toddlers are discovering their bodies and realise that it feels good.

About 3 or 4 weeks after reading that article I've noticed that DD seems to do it while she's in the bath. She will pant a bit while doing it but I am gently trying to discorage it by saying that her private parts are not for playing with.

I know that at this age its not a sexual thing and from what I've read there is no concern for a toddler becoming sexualised too early, it's a perfectly natural part of growing up and learning about the body.

But I just wanted to know if anyone else has toddlers that do this and what do you do about it?

[Trillian]

Oh he's forever playing trumpet with it! As soon as the nappy is off his hand is on it! The girls never did it much at all, but I think boys are a little more attracted to it because it's out there and they can hold it kwim? I really don't know why they would go so far as to actually call it masturbation though, because by definition they aren't doing it for sexual pleasure and at a young age I don't even think they do it because it feels *good*, it's simply them touching a different part of their body so I don't do anything about it at all - why would I? That would only create more issues by thinking it is somehow wrong for him to touch his own body.

[danniellabella]

I'm not really sure what it's like for boys, but I know that when my Daughter does it she pants a little and appears to like it IYKWIM. I just don't know.

[Trillian]

Does she? I never really paid that much attention to it when my girls did it, but I know DS2 doesn't do anything like that. If she does, it's not something to be concerned about really - OK so it wouldn't be OK at the dinner table LOL, but she too little to understand what was going on if you got her to stop. Are you worried that it might make her grow up too quickly and become sexualised too early if she gets old and decides that she wants to do it because it feels nice? It would be really intersting to read the article if you could copy and paste it though.

[danniellabella]

I'm not sure if I am worried or not, I think I'll just keep an eye on it. I'll find the article and post it.

[sushee]

I think most girls will experiment, though they may not be as open about it as boys, Danni. Masturbation is a completely natural extension of the child exploring their bodies. I have read many different opinions on the subject but the main consensus seems to be that it's probably best not to make them ashamed of it by saying that they shouldn't touch themselves there, as 1) they will anyway, because it's pleasurable and therefore positively reinforcing, and 2) because you don't want to make them guilty about that pleasure, and therefore associate sex with guilt.

Just perhaps let her know as she gets old enough to understand that it's not something she should do in front of others Most kids learn that all on their own anyway. You don't see many kids playing with their bits in public beyond 6 or 7.

[Nettie]

Oh he's forever playing trumpet with it! As soon as the nappy is off his hand is on it!

Same here! I think it's just because he doesn't get much time with it (always in nappies) that it's so alluring! I too wouldn't call it masturbation - he's just exploring. I'm sure he'll get to that point (probably way before I want him too), but I'm certainly going to be careful about how I approach it. I think it's very important to ensure no guilt is associated with the action - just privacy. Too many people have been messed up by making them feel guilty...

No idea about girls though.. I know I read once about a toddler (or maybe a little older??) who would rub herself on the arm of a chair in obvious pleasure, but I don't know what was done about it... sorry Danni - not much help, am I??

[Trillian]

I guess too the biggest worry is that because of her age that if she does it often, she may give herself a sore vulva and possibly even introduce infection, just because little kids don't always have the cleanest hands kwim? In all likelyhood she will grow out of it like Sushee said.

[kelebek]

I can see that it would be confronting when DD seems to be enjoying it. In my humble opinion I believe at thier age it is more of the sensual feeling then a sexual feeling, a bit like a massage, it simply feels good to have the skin touched and stroked but obviously not in a sexual way (hope that makes sense).

I tend to ignore it if DS plays with it as I think he is too young to know any better, as he gets older I will tell him it's something he does in the privacy of his own room because as Suse mentioned I don't want him to equate masturbation with guilt or shame.

[danniellabella]

I guess too the biggest worry is that because of her age that if she does it often, she may give herself a sore vulva and possibly even introduce infection, just because little kids don't always have the cleanest hands kwim? In all likelyhood she will grow out of it like Sushee said.

Well she only does it in the bath at the moment so at least I know she's clean, though she wont let me cut her nails so she could scratch herself. She wears a nappy all the time except when going from the bedroom to the bathroom for her bath at the moment, but when she starts toilet training things will be different, though she should be old enough to start understanding when it's ok and when it's not ok to touch herself.

Here is the article:

Why it happens

Toddlers masturbate for the same reason that older children do: it feels nice! Bodily exploration is part of growing up. During the toddler years, your child will learn to run, jump, throw, draw and (hopefully!) poo in a potty. She may be just as curious about her genitals as she is about her fingers, toes, and belly button -- and if she's recently switched from nappies to pants, she may be able to get to them for the first time. When many parents first see this kind of exploration, they wonder, "Is this normal?" The answer most experts give is, yes, you don't need to be concerned.

What to do

Don't panic. Not every child does it, but masturbation is a completely normal thing to do. It doesn't cause any physical harm, pose any health risks and, no, it won't turn your child into a sex maniac, either. Masturbation in toddlers isn't sexual (as it is for adults) because toddlers don't know what sex is. And while, in older children, explicit sex play can be a warning sign of sexual abuse or exposure to explicit sexual material, this is extremely unlikely to be the case with toddlers. (A toddler who's been sexually abused is more likely to become withdrawn or suddenly have trouble sleeping.) That said, toddlers masturbate because it feels good, and the good feelings can be as pleasurable for her as they are for adults. A toddler may even masturbate herself to orgasm complete with panting, red face, and a big sigh at the end. But it's absolutely not something to be worried about.

Ignore it. You may have already told your toddler that some of her parts are private, and that no one but her, or her parents or a doctor, gets to touch them. But it may not sink in for your toddler as the concept of privacy means nothing to an under three. Your best bet is to look the other way or immerse yourself in a distracting activity.

Distract her. Even knowing it's normal, even knowing lots of children do it, you'll probably be embarrassed if your toddler starts masturbating in front of other people. If you can't ignore it or laugh it off, distraction is your best bet. Masturbation is a lot like nose-picking -- children do it because it's there, because they're bored, and because their hands are free. If your toddler's hands stray toward her crotch at inopportune moments (in front of your in-laws, for example) keep a toy or other substitute handy to hand her, instead. Invite her to do a puzzle, or play with blocks, or toss a ball around -- anything that keeps her hands out of her pants.

Watch your own reactions. Parents' reactions to masturbation pose the greatest risk for kids. If your toddler is made to feel guilty for exploring her body, or made to feel that what she's doing is dirty or naughty, she may associate sexual or pleasurable feelings with guilt and shame later in life.

[Nettie]

That's a great article!! Where's it from?

Sounds like most of us were on the same track!

[danniellabella]

Its from the BabyCentre website. I get their newsletter and came across it.

[Liviam]

Thank you so much for this article. DD has been playing, touching and looking for a few months now, especially since she can take her own nappy off. I knew it wasn't a bad thing but I had no idea what to say to her.

[MrsB26]

My nephew used to seem to enjoy it also. He would rub the front of himself through his nappy though. My sister just used to let him be or if it went on for a while or they had company she would distract him with toys or whatever. He was proably the same age as your DD.

[~clover~]

I've never had any of my kids quite do that, but all have played. If at home I just leave them alone, ignore it. I usually took the chance with the girls to say 'thats yours, you keep it for you', or something similar. Usually if they were trying to show me
DS is different. He doesn't leave his alone! The girls weren't too phazed. I might say something like 'what have you got' or 'have you got your doodle'. Mainly coz I want it to be normalised. I want him to know its ok (well at 1 it is!!) When he gets older I'll tell him its for at home or whatever, just for you etc.
I've never heard of actual 'toddler masterbation' before. I guess it would be a bit confronting, but I wouldn't worry too much. Its all normal.

[bon]

My DS has a habit of absent-mindedly playing with himself when he is watching tv or in the bath. It does make me uncomfortable, because it is more than a little disconcerting to see your 6 year old with an erection. I just gently tell him to stop and that it is not nice to do that in front of people - in private is ok. My 2 year old DD is fascinated with her vagina atm, because we have started toilet training so it's not covered by a nappy all the time - she doesn't really 'play' with it though, it's more of an exploration thing - like she just wants to have a look and see what it is.

[minimatron]

DD1 does it all the time, especially when sitting watching tv in the nud. I'm not too phased about it but the only time I do tell her to be careful is when she gets a toy or something that could hurt and touches herself. She has a little giggle so I know shes enjoying herself. I also distract her if shes doing it alot. I want her top be comfy with her body and not grow up with shame/guilt/embarresment like I did...and at 33years of age, I'm still getting over it!

[Early Kids]

Interesting...

Brendan isnt bothered by his bits.... He helps wipe when I change his nappy and thats as close as he gets