If she has her feet on the table, tell her no, we don't put our feet on the table & put them down like you are already. If she hits, tell her no it's not nice to hit etc. Make sure you explain everything to her. She may not understand at this age, but she will learn if you are consistent. Explain that mummy & daddy don't put their feet on the table do they? Then PRAISE!! A LOT!! Tell her how good she is for sitting nicely, that she has lovely manners etc.
Carmen, please please remember that you're still dealing with a little baby, and you have to set your expectations about 'behaviour' accordingly. Unlike adults, babies & toddlers don't have impulse control, from memory it takes a good couple of years before this skill gets mapped in their brains, so you have to be consistent with your rules, but kind in how you implement them, and rely a lot on removal & distraction - ie tell/explain her your rule, but then pick her up & remove her from the situation. THe other thing with kids is that they tend not to hear the "Don't" in the phrase - as in Don't touch the TV Remote", instead what they hear is "Touch the TV remote". so if you can, try to rephrase the request into a positive request like "please leave the TV remote alone". This is also a good way to minimise the number of times you use the word no, although it's much harder work, because you have to think about what you're saying so much more, as it's not as easy as just saying no. And like Sarah said, Praise, praise praise - kids just want to make you happy, and if you notice the good things that they do then these are the activities that they'll repeat. Also, your DD is probably reaching the age where she realises just how much there is to do in the world & how physically limited she is (due to her size & limited co-ordination), and this is frustating - she just wants to get out & learn about everything.
Have a little faith in yourself - if you've got good manners then there is a very good chance that your DD will do just fine, because you are her biggest role model. And, it's cliche, but don't sweat the small stuff - she's probably only putting her feet on the table because it feels interesting, she won't be doing it when she's 4. I think that if it's not hurting them, you or the thing, then go with the flow a bit, otherwise it will do your head in, and you'll be stressed & she'll be stressed and then you'll just have a vicious circle of stressedness.
I agree with you all that consistency is important. I think sometimes I give in because I'm so tired of repeating myself. DD seems to know that she could push my limit since I'm not as consistent as DH. When it comes to DH, he's more consistent but I find that he's a little too strict with DD (she is afterall 8 months old).
I think what made me give in at times is that I'm frustrated and instead of raising my voice at her, I just let it go. Not a good mommy! I will try Sarah's suggestion and praise lots. Maybe that will make her realize what I like so she would do more.
Another thing that I have always done is by saying "no". I was told that toddlers hate to hear "no" and whenever they hear "no" they will do it on purpose. I'll have some word rephrasing to do so I don't have so be a parakeet in saying no!
By the way, is it okay to give a little tap on DD's hand when she's throwing things (food, water bottle) on the floor from her highchair after many "no". Or should I just remove these things from her if she keeps on throwing them on the floor?
I know that this age is very delicate and I really don't want to do anything to have a bad start...
I think discipline starts from the beginning when they decide to bite you on the boob! I take Jesse off, say no & he doesn't get it back.
When they start crawling you discipline them to get them away from power points etc.
My girls are older, but I find they get it better when I explain it to them. Eg, feet on the table is rude, rather than just no. But at her age you aren't going to get too far.
Just keep persisting gently.
I recommend reading a book called "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn as a foundation to your approach to 'discipline'. Also, the Science of Parenting, as well as ANYTHING by the Sears (google them) in relation to anything parenting.
One of the things Kohn says that sticks in my mind is this:
Think about what kind of adult you want your child to be - most people would say independent-thinker, taking initiative, go-getting etc. We tend not to 'train' them this way, oddly enough! We 'train' them to be subservient, not to listen to their instincts, to look for the approval of someone else (i.e. the use and reliance on praise, an external reward, not an intrinsic one) etc. How can the way we 'train' our children result in the adults we want them to be? Food for thought. Kohn goes into it really well.
Rewards and punishments are not utilised in my house to elicit desired outcomes. Love, modelling and sharing (verbally) the value in doing things a certain way are what we use
I have done exactly what Sarah does for the past 6.5 yrs and its worked marvelously. Paris is an awesome kid (I know I'm biased ) She speaks her mind and knows when to be respectful. We have a very open and understanding relationship. This morning she even told me about how a week ago when she'd asked to take a delicate ornament to school for show and tell and I said no, that she was going to sneak it into her bag, then she thought no I better not if it breaks then I'll feel really bad (which was my reasoning for her not taking it). I praised her for her honesty and I said I was proud of her for making the right decision and glad she felt comfortable telling me. So I dunno I look at her and I'm proud of what I've done (and there isn't much in my life thanks to my crappy self esteem that I can say that about). And I look at Seth who is a handful and he's already following in his sisters footsteps even if we've had to tweak it a little I think communication above all, understanding of temperaments and not treating them like stupid adults all leads to well rounded children. Consistency is important but consistency also applies to adults to in this house. If we do something that upsets her and she has asked us not to do xyz she has just of a right to be upset and express that as we do, and it is up to us to try and find a solution to resolve that, and work out a plan to prevent it in the future with her as we would do in reverse. Its not just about discipline its the entire package.
ETA: It crashed and didn't save the last line... grrr... What I said was IMO boundaries don't disempower children (and I'm not talking discipline here) but its about the entire relationship you have with your child, as that can.
Last edited by Rouge; July 31st, 2008 at 01:05 PM.
ok, I wasn't going to come back in, but I can't help myself... the throwing things on the floor is a major part of her development, she's learning about cause & effect. What happens if I drop this toy - where does it go? What sound does it make when it drops on the floor? Will mum/dad pick it up for me? it's really, really normal kid behaviour, and can become a bit of a game. Having said that, if you don't want her to do it, or at least to not do it too much, then don't give her things to drop, and don't pick them up every time. I personally wouldn't make too big a deal about it with her, when my DS is in a dropping mood, I just quietly pick up the pieces and put them away, or if it's food, I just put it to the side. That way they're not getting a reaction (good or bad), so it becomes boring & they'll eventually stop doing it.
I totally agree, I would do the same with Seth until he was a bit older that was then I would say "if you do xyz mummy will take it away" rather than just flat out no all the time. No can be sooooo draining if its all you ever say, and yes I have days like that too but usually when I sit back and go ok lets change tact and converse with my kids rather than just give orders things go a lot smoother.
In my own thinking, just saying 'no' to something you don't approve of only asserts power (when it's not safety related) and doesn't impart anything else in terms of enduring lessons. Definitely explain the rationale - better to bombard them with concepts that may escape them for now than to condescend to such a rapidly expanding intelligence.
Jan - I do this, too DS is now at an age where he can help me clean up after throwing toys around. Unfortunately, we have a small dog whom DS has come to rely on to clean up his food dropping. But I can say that it's a declining activity!
Modelling is so powerful and it becomes very apparent a bit later on. For us, DS is just over 2 and the fruits of good modelling are becoming manifest now. The ladies in his childcare will tell me what he's been doing (2 days a week) and it's lovely to know that he models what we've been teaching him even when we're not there
I consider it guidance. I have no idea what kind of parent I am, but I let them see the consequences of their actions - both good and bad - I hope they choose the right way. Hugs and cuddles for lovely manners etc, and tbh lots of the time I ignore cr@ppy behaviour. They choose the best path most of the time, but hey they are little and even I find drawing on the walls fun....
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) She speaks her mind and knows when to be respectful. We have a very open and understanding relationship. This morning she even told me about how a week ago when she'd asked to take a delicate ornament to school for show and tell and I said no, that she was going to sneak it into her bag, then she thought no I better not if it breaks then I'll feel really bad (which was my reasoning for her not taking it). I praised her for her honesty and I said I was proud of her for making the right decision and glad she felt comfortable telling me. So I dunno I look at her and I'm proud of what I've done (and there isn't much in my life thanks to my crappy self esteem that I can say that about). And I look at Seth who is a handful and he's already following in his sisters footsteps even if we've had to tweak it a little 
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