Are we the only ones struggling? Feeling very alienated and lonely here

[Ella]

Hey lovely people,

So after another fight with DF about our financial situation (he's not very good at talking about emotions) I'm stitting here thinking that we can't be the only ones struggling. With DF working full time and getting FTB and a little bit of parenting payment for me, we can't make ends meet, every week we choose things not to pay and are stressing about making it through to the next pay day.

DF and I are both stressed, we haven't been communicating alot about it cause I think it freaks him out and DS is totally picking up on the stress levels, not to mention the fact that I have the overwhelming urge to run away from everything lol.

But the most stupid thing is, there are all these people around us that seem to be doing fine and pretend there's no problem whilst putting everything on cards. If there are so many people out there in the same boat as us why doesn't anyone talk about it?

Would love to hear from anyone as I feel like a very lonely housewife at the moment and keep getting criticised for being honest about it all....

[Butterfly Child]

You are definently not the only one hun, just alittle reminder that im always here for a talk or to listen like i mentioned to you earlier x..

Altho i dont no what its like in living in a partnered situation i can imagine it would be really difficult to not have the comunication lines open, but i do understand the male species and how they close themselves off when things get hard sometimes especially when it comes to financial hardship they feel like its their responsibility etc, hope u guys can talk properly when he gets home and he opens up to hun xxoxoxo

[Mum2Romone]

U certainly arent the only one lol

[Kazmar]

bahahaha only one?!!!! Im here too! lol.

[Ella]

Thanks for replying girls.

Breeze- unfortunately we already do the homebrand stuff so no more savings there lol. We're going bankrupt in July but even so it's still going to be tough to pay what we have left. I know its a big decision but we've seen financial advisors and they've agreed its the best thing for us to do at this point.

I guess I just think that people might be able to handle things better if there was more communication going on, not just between husbands and wives but between neighbours and friends, stuff like that. It's alot easier to cope if you don't feel like the only person alive with your problem!

[Little Chicken]

You are so not alone! We live pay to pay here as well. I understand just how stressful financial pressure can be when you are the one paying the bills and juggling everything. We have one income (DP works full-time), and get FTB, and it barely covers everything. We don't go out, DD only has one activity we go to because I can't really afford anything else. We don't have any credit cards due to our business going bankrupt last year, so living off them is not an option for us at all. If we can't pay by cash, we don't have it. The only indulgence for us is austar and that is it. If you ever need anyone to vent to or talk to, then I am here for you I know exactly what it is like.

[Ella]

Muminalice- Thats great to know. Will be good to have someone to talk to who has done the bankruptcy thing too. Bit scary! Yep Austar is my one vice too, DF does smoke and drink alot of ice break though lol

[~breeze~]

Muminalice- Thats great to know. Will be good to have someone to talk to who has done the bankruptcy thing too. Bit scary! Yep Austar is my one vice too, DF does smoke and drink alot of ice break though lol

I was coming back in as I forgot to say about the pay tv but I see you have it. I dont have it (cant afford it) but its not like the old days, there are more channels now (digital tv), there are heaps of kids shows with ABC 1,2 & 3 & GO! channels & I watch heaps of shows I like on channel 7TWO. Thought I'd mention it as it would save alot of money if you could get rid of it I understand its very hard to do (I had it for all my adult years while married to XH.... only stopped when I became a single mum & simply couldnt afford it)

[Little Chicken]

Can I just ask, and you don't have to answer, but why wait till july to lodge? Is it for the end of financial year? Other wise it is just another month of debt piling up. I don't know if they have warned you of this but our trustee froze our bank accounts for a bit to ensure that everything we said was legitimate so just be prepared for that. Also they will want a fee as well but the amount depends on what is left in your estate. I felt horriible doing it, like I was chickening out of my debts by doing it, but we really had no choice, and the relief after lodgement was just palpable. You don't realise how much stress you are under sometimes until it is gone. Good luck.

[Little Chicken]

I agree with you breeze, life would be easier without austar, but if you live in the country there is no digital tv channels, in fact we don't get channel ten here at all. I sacrifice for it but it is worth it sometimes

[~breeze~]

When I was still married to XH we were kinda in the same boat. Although I was in charge of paying all the bills so they got paid first every pay day. There wasn't a whole lot left after I paid the bills & XH spends money like there's a money tree in his house (still does). So he was buying anything he wanted & putting it on the credit card. I asked him numerous times not to spend money we didnt have but he just couldnt control himself. We ended up refinancing the house to get enough money to pay off what he owed on his 2 credit cards (about $50,000) & I begged him to lower the limit to $3000 & get rid of the second. He wouldnt. As far as I know he's maxed them out again but luckily its not my prob anymore.

I'm no financial advisor but if XH had've stopped his exessive spending after we paid off the credit cards & got rid of one & minimised the limit on the other then I think we would have been ok? Is there anyway you can consolodate (is that the right word?) your loans/credit cards (if you have them) so you can pay the minimum for your bigger weekly/monthly payments?

I also find that buying home brand saves alot of money (something XH would never let me buy!)

Most weeks I'm only just getting by, although I'm not working atm so thats not helping, so I do understand what it feels like to have to watch every dollar while those around you go out every weekend & eat in restaurants etc. Oh, while I'm talking about restaurants... see if you can find some vouchers for local restaurants. I currently have some "buy one meal get one free" vouchers so when my mums visiting next week we can go out to dinner & go halves in the bill (which will be small), it is nice to try & get out now & then

I'm really no help but I hope it helps a little knowing that you're not alone I hope you get through this rough time alright

[Liviam]

Thanks for being so honest about money. It seems to be the such a taboo subject but seems to be one that a lot of us struggle through in silence. DH and I are in a similar boat and I have no idea how to sort out our budget to try and start getting ourselves in the black again.

[Ella]

Liviam- have you thought about going and seing a Lifeline financial counselor? We did and they were great. They are a free service and can help you sort out your finances, do up a great budget and also can advocate on your behalf if there are any companies pushing you around over money. I know it can seem a bit embarrassing to go through it, but the way I look at it now is "isn't it more embarrassing to stick your head in the sand when you know there is someone who can help, than it is to say hey we're strugglign but at least we're smart enough to knwo that and do something about it." It's taken me so long to get to this point- I grew up in a poor family and swore I would never get into a "poor" situation, guess now I have just realised 90% of people are "poor" at some point in their life!

[Liviam]

That is a great suggesstion Ella. I'll put some thought into it. I've been trying to sort out how to work out what to pay in each pay and how to slowly chip away at our pointless doubt. I hate money!!!

[~mamaspice~]

If anyone is interrested I have a great little budget spreadsheet that DH's boss gave him. You put in your weekly income and all your weekly living expenses and it has been a great help for us in working out what we can and can't afford. It's also been a big eye opener as you just don't realise how much you have to dish out each week until it's all listed down. If anyone is interrested PM me and I can email a copy of it to you.

[Gigi]

Mamaspice, i would love to see that spreadsheet.

i am so fed up with my child's father NOT co-operating about budgetting, that i see no way around it, except to for me to leave him. Our r'ship has been "dead" for years, but i have stayed due to no $$$$ to actually leave. THe fobbing off, the lying, the saying yes but no action to follow up the yes, all of that, has completely eroded my trust and respect in him (amongst other things too).

So, not being on the same page about money, i would say, has been a major contributor to our r;ship breakdown. He is an ostrich too, telling me "we don't earn enough to need a budget, that's for well off people who have money spare" - whereas i believe the less you earn, the MORE you need a budget, to make the little you have, go as far, and as effectively, as it can.

i am puzzled about people mentioning "moving interstate to save money" - does that mean some parts of Australia are cheaper (than others) to live in?

Each time i've thought about this, i come to the conclusion - look in the country for cheaper rents (but some country towns charge the same for rent, as what we're paying in a city) - so that isn't cut and dried for me (getting cheaper rent in country)
but the downside is more reliance on a working car, more petrol for basic services.
So i'm not entirely convinced moving to the country would make my dollars go further.

How do you find out even, where you COULD live that would be cheaper?

i get the feeling, you only find out by trying, and that could mean some costly time to find out. Not to mention, it would be so much harder to do with a child/ren (as opposed to doing that sort of thing when you were on your own, before children).

According to the "cities with the lowest cost of living" that i have seen published in newspapers in last decade, i already live in the cheapest city. i don't have a credit card, no cable tv, don't drink or smoke, don't go to the movies, don't go out to restaurants, shop opshop and sales for me and DD, no loans, my major expense is having a 2nd hand car and keeping it on the road/working.

i'm terrified about renting on my own (no rental refs) and coming up with the money to set up a new household for me and DD.

But it will be nice to be in control of my own destiny, after all the non-communication with child's father, his complete refusal to do a budget for the family. i went to charity places to get budgetting help. They all said to me, we can't help you do a family budget, if we only have half of the info, until you get info from child's father, the budget is not complete or workable.