Are we the only ones struggling? Feeling very alienated and lonely here

[Astrid]

WE have it tight here, which you would not think due to DH's income, but we are not the best money, well correct that DH is not and sometimes I just get sick of the "can't afford its". It is cheaper for me to leave his credit card maxed than to clear it, as it is cheaper to pay the interest than the whole card off. I can't budget the way I want. He wont have his pocket money in his account each fortnight, I have to keep it, as he will waste it. He refuses to look at the budget, but then argues with me when I say we can't afford it. We would be fine, but we have debt, it is the debt payments that hurt us. Also where we live costs, we need 2 cars, can't get ADSL so can't get cheap home phone and internet. Free to air TV is so non-existant out here, that we the only way we watch TV is with Austar. Past experience with DH has shown that without PayTV he will just spend $100's a month on DVD box sets or going to the movies ro more computer games. Austar works out cheaper. Seems stupid, but he has put us in the position of having to spend money to save money.

It sucks. I had more money when I was single and on the dole.

[Mum2SweetCs]

Hi Ella,

Definitely not the only one struggling. We have been thinking of a second child for a long time and DH always brings me back to reality that we will be struggling big time when we do (and I'm not even pregnant yet) We cannot survive on his wage so I have to go back to work full time to be able to pay the mortgage (we dont have paid maternity leave at work).

At the moment we are looking of ways to cut our budgeting down but I guess it doesn't help when we both aren't really good at saving money!

We dont have pay tv and only have internet as I need it to work from home.

I try to use vouchers when i can and go online to find which store coles/woolies/aldi have specials on and write a list of which store has what specials to get food on special to save a few bucks (i guess it all adds up)

I definitely hope things look up for you soon and we are all ears when you need a place to vent.

[Ella]

I get what you mean about your DH's. DF sees his smokes + ice breaks + couple of bourbon cans a night as his escape and release from the stress we are under. I have tried to explain to him that I don't get to have any of these escapes because there is no money left but he doens't get it, he tells me to buy somethign then and doesn't see that if I did we would be in more trouble. We he gets mad he lays on the 'but I work and my pay pays for everything we have and the food that goes into your mouth.' That upsets me so much, when will something make them realise that what we do at home each day when we look after kids is work, its hard and tiring and yes I may get to be at home all day, but there are times when I would kill to stand behind a counter and talk to adults!

I also understand what someone was saying about not telling people because you will feel embarrased, but I have learnt from experience that if you tell people that you just want their understanding not their charity then understanding is usually what you get. If you don't say anything, you feel ashamed when you say no to going out to somethign and have to make an excuse, if you do say something then people aren't going to pity you, perhaps they will understand and not feel like you're making something up. We have had to go to charity's in the past wehn things got really bad and I won't lie, it was embarrassing, but the truth is I have always given when I could to those charitys and they are there for people who go through times of crisis, there's no judgement when they speak to you.

Thank you all for replying, its really nice to get peopel talking about it, not so that we can wallow in self pity but just so that we can share helpful tips and empathise with each others stories.

[Little Chicken]

Hi Ella,

Actually no we didn't have a problem getting a lease but we have only been through one real estate agent. I think it helps though if you have a stable financial record with your agent, eg never missing or being late with a payment. Also, and I never knew this, most of the cheap insurance agencies, even some of the big name ones, will not insure a bankrupt or will hike thier premiums right up. So if you need to change policies do it now. I know about the phone calls, we were going to have the baliff put our house up for auction for a $20,000 business debt, but the bank now gets the house ( we were actually ahead in payments, business mortgage took it). Also, sorry used that word before, if you have more then $6000 equity in your car the trustee is entitled to take it and sell it to recoup some money. I know I sound all doom and gloom, but I find it's good to know all the ramifications of something, and somethings you don't get told till after. Like if you have a passport you have to give it to the trustee and you cannot leave the country for the next 3 years and one day with out thier permission (and they can refuse). You are actually put on the watchlist and cannot physically leave without that permission.

You know, I have hardly told anyone outside of my family that we are bankrupt, and it is actually liberating to do so. I hope my experience can be helpful to others.

[Ella]

Muminalice- you have no idea how helpful it is. We have 2 cars, one being worth $1000 and the other about $3000, so we should be safe there. We have no savings or equity that tehy should take according to the lady I spoke to from the bankruptcy advisory line, also we don't have passports lol. Unfortunately we don't have a good record with our estate agent as our rent got pretty behind at one point nad it took us a while to crawl back up. I guess we will have to hope they will let us stay here for a while. Either that or we better move before we go bankrupt lol It is all pretty doom and gloom and I was so against it for a long time but after having realised we can either bust our asses and be depressed for the next ten years trying to pay off these debts and still have credit defaults for 3 years once they're clear which could be 15 years, I realised that the reality of being on a bankruptcy list for 7 years isn't so bad, I know its on record for life but also know there are people out there who still go on to own houses and stuff like taht. If they can do it so can we. I also realise now that its better this has happened now when we are so young because it means we have learnt these very hard lessons relatively early in life instead of learning them later when we have so much more to lose.

Sorry that was a bit of a blab, just feels good to be talking about it openly.

[Rivlas]

We struggled on one waged all the time. It's only now that the DD's have grown up that we are starting to get ahead.
One thing I found that really helped was to get a book, rule up columns and account for every cent. It can be on a spreadsheet, this was before we had a computer. I had one for bill, groceries, spending, savings??, medical, presents etc. We were amazed at how much we could waste on small things.
We had a credit card with a $300 limit which was only to be used in an extreme emergency.
Another thing we did was when we had $10 to spare we were allowed to have takeaway, usually fish & chips. It was the light at the end of the tunnel and something to look forward to.

[Freya]

Your not the only ones

Unfortunately these days not even big numbers in front of a few 000's means yours well off. We have people thinking that all the time, and yeah I'll admit we are certainly well above the poverty line its only through sheer luck and determination. We still have skint weeks where we are left with less than $100 after paying out expenditures.

I def ditto everyone else on getting rid of every luxury you can, including any bad habits if possible ie alcohol or smoking, because you have to weigh up your priorities - financial stability or non essential items. We still occasionally have luxuries ie dinner out or a bottle of alcohol; but mostly we try extremely hard to avoid it. Having enough money isnt always painless or easy. Esp where kids are involved because even with being bargain savvy they still cost a bit of $$$.
One big tip from me is NO CREDIT CARDS EVER! We have never had a credit card. Not even for a few hundred dollars. I think when you do its just so easy to use it thinking "I'll pay it back" but it never happens and then your in over your head. Banks count on that. If you cannot afford to get cash out and pay for it then you dont need it. If you are going to struggle to pay a bill; call your provider and work out a payment plan. Better to pay your provider than a credit card company with 1000% interest whacked on top.

Grocery shopping is our downfall. There always ends up being more useless stuff than useful stuff in my trolley esp if I go shopping with family in tow *sigh* Im starting to meal plan 3x main meals + 2 snacks a day and sticking to that, it definately cuts the food bill alot. Might not be gourmet but its cost effective. I dont go for brands anymore if I can avoid it; I buy in bulk if its a super bargain.

I really hope you begin to feel better about your situation soon. Its horrible worrying about money; physically exhausting infact. But it comes with being a grown up (and earning under $100,000 these days). Sucks.

[luna moth]

I really hope you begin to feel better about your situation soon. Its horrible worrying about money; physically exhausting infact. But it comes with being a grown up (and earning under $100,000 these days). Sucks.

I have a friend on 100K, and her DP is on 60K. It's a massive amount and they still struggle. It's not about the amount, it's about the way you handle it.
Defs check out the frugal living blogs, live cheap and be proud. I honestly adore the feeling when someone says "I love your dress." and I can say "Three bucks at Salvos!" It's not embarrassing at all - I find it actually makes people a little jealous that I can do so much with so little. It started when I was a student, working part-time, and DH was on a piddly PhD stipend - $200 a week in the first year, then $400 a week for the next two years. So we really had no choice. When I started working full time and on a higher wage we decided not to change anything - we were so used to it anyway. Then when he took his first grad job, we just kept going that way.

We commented last night (when we burned a chair that had broken ) about how I get more attached to free/cheap furniture than I do to stuff we have paid for. It's because brand new stuff can be easily replaced - you just go back to the shop and buy it again. But stuff off the side of the road, well, you can't just go back to the roadside and find it again! I get a big thrill from the opportunity. Cheap thrills

[~clover~]

Hey. Just wanted to give you big
I haven't read through all your posts, but you can add me to the list!
We have no credit cards or loans & have never gone for finance on anything at all & all I can do is be greatful for that. Everything we own we bought outright with either tax refunds, or the little centrelink bonus's we've recieved here & there.
My car was bought with DS's baby bonus.
At the moment we are just catching up. But at a cost. DH is working 2 jobs just to keep us fed. Both an hour away, so he only gets about 3 hours sleep in the afternoons & another 3ish hours overnight, if he doesn't sleep in the car.
One job has just gone down from 4 - 5 nights a week to 3 most weeks & again the pressure is on. We are a week behind in our rent, but are close to getting it paid, doing it a bit at a time, & ave missed out on school photo's this year for the girls. The school did offer for it to be paid later, but I haven't been able to get up there to talk to them about it with no car, so not sure if the offer still stands. Sucks since this is DD2's first year at school.
On top of that I owe the school $45 from swimming back in March & still have to pay school fee's, as well as our water bill (I think we are due for another one soon) & a massive, massive power bill we are paying off.
We are almost there though...& then we need to buy a new car. We've already discussed the loan with the bank for this to find out what we need to do, & at the start of August we will be able to get a decent car. Ours runs out of rego 2 weeks before that though, so not sure what to do there. To rego ours again would cost about $4000 coz of all the things it needs done, & we can't afford that. Especially when we are trading it in. & we need a second car coz I only have a car for those 3 or so hours in the arvo's.
Its hard & other than the car stress, we are finally feeling a bit of relief. Feeling like there is an end to this & we'll get there.

[Doing my best]

Your not alone. We were in this boat even before DH took a paycut for 6 months. DH wouldn't look at the budget cause he didn't want to see how bad it was.. I broke down and told him how hard it was to pay everything with nothing, and him not totally understanding.. We signed a loan for another large amount for shares on top of our mortgage just before having DD.. In hindsight, it was a mistake, but it is a commitment that we have to honour.. Not long after I went on maternity leave for DD, DH's overtime dried up, and so we have been living week to week, pay to pay since then.

DH also didn't want me working. But it was either that or we would be sinking fast. I had to work full time for a few weeks, but it eventually led to part time work, but even with 2 kids in f/t daycare, it kept us afloat, just.

It does help if you talk about it.. You will find that many people won't bring up the topic, but they will not deny it if they realise they aren't alone.

Hope you come to some peace in your situation soon.. Stressing about money is not good at the best of times, but especially not with a young child and another on the way, cause they can sense it. Also is there any parks within walking distance to take DS to? The fresh air will do both of you good, and things never seemed as bad for me after some fresh air.

[AnyDream]

I haven't read through the thread but plan to come back to it.

One thing I've noticed with the benefit of being older (now in my late 30s) we are now comparitively a lot better off then we were in our 20s...even though we are on 1 income, it's worth more now than it was then just due to DH's increased seniority...also we're paying the same on the homeloan as we were in the past when we were in desperate straights BUT if push comes to shove we have the fallback of being able to borrow more just because our house has increased in value over that time. I also have more things of value that we have accumulated over the years so even though we don't have $$ to spend right now (and it's a real scrape to get the bills etc paid), we still live more comfortably than we did 10 years ago and I don't feel 'poor" like I did then, even though things are tight.