Retaliation shopping! Are you guilty of it?

[~Raven~]

DH tells me he needs $500 from the mortgage redraw because he's booked in for some tattooing on Friday. Instantly my brain starts thinking of all the things I need but have gone without to get that mortgage redraw nice and healthy.

As I stood in the Apple store trying to decide between getting an iPad or a Wacom graphics tablet something came over me and I just walked out. Sure I could have spent equal to or more than he is planning because it's only fair, but I think I'm being the bigger person for not.

Retaliation shopping has ALWAYS been the way it is for us. It's not always big spending ie he'll come home with a few car/tattoo mags and I'll add it up in my head how much he spent (could be $20 - $30) and then next time I'm at the shops I'll spend that amount on myself. Maybe a new top or shoes etc.

I used to justify it by saying that we are rewarding ourselves, but we are really taking two steps forward and one back with our mortgage goal. Especially with this weeks one that would have dented it by a grand+

So tell me are you guilty of this and are you willing to change your habits for the benefit of your financial future?

[Tinks]

No I don't do that but I probably would if DH came home and just announced that he needed x amount instantly for something we hadn't discussed.

Although...I never get Christmas or Birthday presents from DH and I have been known to go shopping to buy myself something becuase he is thoughtless. So maybe that is the same thing?

Raven, get yourself that thing (sorry can't remember what it was called) we were looking at in Melb the other week. You work hard and deserve it!

[~Raven~]

LOL yes that's the graphics tablet I was looking at, but I'm going to be strong because the "I deserve it" mentality has meant we've really gotten nowhere with our 7yo mortgage thanks to the ease we can redraw from it. I'm not buying till I've sold enough stuff on eBay to fund it

I buy my own Chrissie/B'day pressies at random times during the year too (like the purse I got when we were in the city the other week which will be from Santa lol) but this is different. It's up and buying stuff that isn't really needed but just because the other spending the money on themselves. He has the same thought process too I'm sure because I went out with you ladies last week, he spent $100 on bourbon because it was on special.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I suppose I do. DH doesn't go without, so I no longer do. I don't think "he spent this much on his hobby, that's a new pair of shoes for me" but I no longer think "no, I can't justify a couple of quid on something I will enjoy a lot" - I was just getting too resentful otherwise. And if I need new shoes I buy them without waiting for DH to spend lots of money! If I want to play Lego I just buy Liebs a present, no self-punishment for doing it.

[MummaSue]

Hehe, this is our version:

DH buys something, then he buys me something because he thinks that we should be equal.

[CrazyLady]

I on't retaliation buy. DP has given me free access to the bank account and I do buy myself things if they're on sale or i really need them (and we can squeeze it into the budget). Saying that though, we discuss bigger purchases prior to buying them.

[*Ali*]

We solved this problem by budgeting in pocket money into our budget, for the same very reason- I would spend and DH would feel like he deserved the same etc. So now we have a budget of $50 each a week to spend on whatever we please, for me it usually clothes shoes etc, and for DH is is stuff for his garden, pond etc. Bigger stuff we usually discuss and then budget/ save for.

[Pandora]

Dh does it, but it's not just shopping.

When we were both working full time, if I was sick and needed a day off etc, he'd have one within a week without fail.

If I had planned to do anything without the boys (not necessarily 'me time') he'd want the same amount of time minimum to himself almost immediately.

[Lulu]

Can you shut off the mortgage redraw? Sounds like 'pocket money' is the way to go

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

The only time I ever do it when DH has bought stuff without talking to me, stuff that I think is a waste of money. For instance, the $80 I found once that he had spent on a Facebook game Even then though, I only bought myself a $20 bunch of flowers, I felt too guilty buying more

[Nelle]

We sort of work like that, we'll save up or borrow from our emergency fund, but yeah we try to stay equal with things - like if he's going on a boys weekend, we agree that he arranges for the boys to stay with his parents for some of that time.
It's sort of agreed here, as opposed to retaliation, but it may as well be, I mean, if he's just spent money on something and I call and check, but remind him of the money he's just spent - what else can he say but 'yeah that sounds fine'?

[misty]

We don't retaliate shop. I figure it probably all works out in the end.

If DH comes home and 'informs' me he needs to spend money, I am more likely to interogate him into submission. Or alternatively discuss it like adults and make a 'joint' decision (although, he does sometimes try to load the decision on my shoulders, so he has someone to blame if he 'cann't' do/spend whatever - but I refuse to be a party to that, and won't let up until he reaches his own conclusions). Really depends on what mood I am in and how 'reasonable' DH is being.

[tattoo_mama]

My parents are good at it. Mum wanted to remodel the kitchen, dad said they didnt have enough money. A week later dad bought a 30k motorbike. then mum bought a Porsche. (they are on decent incomes but in no way millionaires or anything).
Now dad has bought a 110k plane... Blames mum cause she bought him a voucher last Xmas for a joyflight!
Wonder what mum will buy to even that up?

[Fleur]

Now dad has bought a 110k plane... Blames mum cause she bought him a voucher last Xmas for a joyflight!
Wonder what mum will buy to even that up?

I'd be having fun just thinking of what I could buy to even that up!

I don't do it because he did...but I do use it to justify / make my purchases easier. If I spend $30 on fabric for example I will feel guilty about it until I remember what he has spent on smokes & drinks.
Then I think, that's all he pretty much buys, and he works hard for it, and I feel guilty again.

[~Raven~]

My parents are good at it. Mum wanted to remodel the kitchen, dad said they didnt have enough money. A week later dad bought a 30k motorbike. then mum bought a Porsche. (they are on decent incomes but in no way millionaires or anything).
Now dad has bought a 110k plane... Blames mum cause she bought him a voucher last Xmas for a joyflight!
Wonder what mum will buy to even that up?

Wow lol they're out of our league!

[Tuesday's Child]

It's not so much about retaliation for me. I don't say to myself DH has spent X amount on this, so I can then go and spend that amount on myself. I used to feel guilty buying books or clothes for myself and DH always commented that I was often buying new clothes. It was my mum who pointed out that DH spends money on his hobbies etc so why shouldn't I? And since I brought it up with him, he rarely comments on anything I buy now. We have a joint account that we use to pay bills, buy groceries etc. But we each have our own separate accounts and credit cards. Each payday, we put money in the joint account and the rest is up to us to spend. Now that we have DD most of my spending is on her rather than myself. But that's my choice. I should mention that any withdrawals from our mortgage redraw are discussed and agreed to first.