Your child's bank account

[Astrid]

And as it's been said in this thread before today it's a bank account but what will it be tomorrow.

Ok, I think that is taking a huge assumption (and yes I do understand that you know the background). My MIL was the MIL from hell when DD1 was first born, I dug my heels in at everything and guess what it made it worse. MIL just wanted something to do with her first grandchild, admittedly she really went the wrong way about it, but she did have the right intentions. I understand your statement, as I have been there myself and I can still remember the strong feelings I had during those times. Every suggestion, every thing that want to do is perceived as an attack. In the long run it is just plain not healthy for all involved

In the end I realised it was not working and going to get worse. I chose to give in on an area which really did not matter in the scheme of things, but would make her feel good. She loved to knit, so I asked her to knit some things for DD1. She was honoured, got to feel a part of things and I got DD1 got some nice clothing. It was a win/win situation. Things improved from there. It gave is something to talk about and from there led onto other conversations. MIL is still not perfect, but she had backed off on a lot of issues.

I think giving in on something "safe", can be a good testing ground to see how they really are. If it all goes to hell, then you have some ammunition "see, I let them have the bank account".

[tk1999]

Firstly... WOW... thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread... it is overwhelming to have so many responses. I wasn't able to respond yesterday but I have certainly read each and every post.

After a day of thinking and taking time to consider the views of others on this topic - something I must admit I hadn't really done to a great length. I did get caught up in it.

For those of you who do have grandparents or other family members who have accounts in your child(ren)s names - did they discuss it with you first? or was it sprung on you to hand over a BC if it was needed?

I have come to realise that my issue isn't so much them having an account in her name. It is the fact that there was no discussion, it was just assumed that I would hand over her BC on the spot so to speak.

FWIW I have told DP that I will not give into ultimatiums. If that is his stance then it is a case of "see you later". I will take DDs BC to the bank so that the account can be finalised but I will not give them her BC... it just doesn't feel right.

I wouldn't hand BC over to anyone (other than DP of course). I also find it unusual that the bank have allowed them to open the account which makes me question what they have told the bank. As I have said I do not know which bank they have opened the account in (and neither does DP or he is not telling me) but I think it is the same bank we opened the account for DD with as that is the bank they do their banking with, which is also the bank that told me that only parents or legal guardians can open accounts for minors... if that is the case either they have been served by someone who hasn't checked the banks policies or they have told the bank they are her legal guardians and in that case handing over her BC could potentially cause me lots of other issues. DP says he was only approached by them via phone on Wednesday midday.

Maz - I didn't know that about trust accounts. I am not sure where their trust in us is. It is one of the things I hope to air out when we talk. I think you have hit the nail on the head re their role in DDs life. It is not just this but many times where they have acted much more like DDs parents than her grandparents... I don't know maybe they are finding the transition into the role a bit like I am finding the transition into mummyhood - overall fantastic but overwhelming at times and other times you have no idea what to do. I do like your idea of talking to MIL about when she was a first time mum.

BG - you are right - so much can happen with her BC. I am being a tad paranoid but it doesn't feel right.

Rayray - that is one of the reasons we opened this account because of a few cheques we recieved from family in DDs name.

NaeNae - I am genuine in my feelings.

Lulu - I can see that no one will be hurt and that by putting $$ away for DD they have her best interests at heart but I can't help feel something in my bones about handing over her BC. I still can't see the reason for her to have multiple accounts but if the don't want to use the one we have already created and want another then so be it but I will take her BC to the bank.

Misty - I don't want access to 'their' account LOL... I think if I pointed that out to them I could have myself a whole new range of issues.

HollyM - I think it is them wanting control (both of the money and to some degree DD) and the control of the money is fine in this situation, it is their money afterall but as you say if it is just about securing DDs financial future I too can't see why they need their own account. You have hit the nail on the head - DP doesn't want to upset his parents so agrees with EVERYTHING they say and if I disagree I am automatically either wrong or at fault because I have a different way of thinking.

Talia - I am paranoid to a degree. Handing over the BC could mean all sorts of things and I don't see why I should just hand it over.

Leasha - whilst I do not know it for sure but I do suspect they want to big note themselves with what they have done for DD. With buying things for the baby it was "we bought this, we bought that" which is great I am thankful for everything they bought us but it had been said in front of my parents who were not able to buy us lots of things but contributed in other ways. My mum crocheted slings for me and blankets and I love them as much as the things that were bought.

Teagz - I agree. I thought DP and I were on the same page about many things but I have to come to realise that we only agree when we are agreeing with what his parents think/do etc.

but honestly, as if I'd rip off my own SON! Here we are trying to give them a good start in life by opening them a bank account so young, and for people to think that we are going to rip off our own kids and take the money for ourselves is crazy! (this is the impression I get from your story)

Exactly it is not about me wanting control of the money... I do however, want control of the BC!

Jennifer13 - sorry about your MIL issues. MIL deleted me from FB and wrote an email out telling their family what a cow I was and then one day decided she was over it (but I was still in hospital and hadn't even realised there was much of an issue) but I wasn't allowed to address it and I am not even allowed to mention my best friend now... she is now she who must not be named... but yet I am told I am being immature. It is not just that they think they can have input... they think I should just accept what they did as parents (CC for example) and do the same and DPs stance is that he turned out ok.

The ultimatum thing is a concern, but I do recall ridiculous stuff like that coming out of DH's mouth weeks after DD1 was born. It is like they do not understand the change in family once a baby comes along. The rules between the families change, I was not sure how to treat my MIL and my MIL was not sure how she fit in. DH was too damn busy protecting his mother's feelings, rather than realising that he had a new family and we were what mattered most.

I think there is some confusion in us all about the new family structure. Hopefully it can be aired when we talk.

Winter - not harsh at all. I see where you are coming from.

If he thinks his parents are so great and wants to choose their side all the time, then he should go back and live with them.

Well said! Time to cut the umbilical chord, I reckon

I agree ladies... I agree

Leesa - Sorry to hear you have been through this. It is not fun by any means.

Jas - I think with my PIL regardless of what happens today, there will always be an issue tomorrow.

And also you are NOT the cow that gave birth to "their" granddaughter, you are a beautiful woman who carried & nutured a baby and gave birth to a gorgeous little princess.

Love you Wanne, made me cry with joy (for once... it has been tears of all other sorts since this happened)

I have been there myself and I can still remember the strong feelings I had during those times. Every suggestion, every thing that want to do is perceived as an attack. In the long run it is just plain not healthy for all involved
I think giving in on something "safe", can be a good testing ground to see how they really are. If it all goes to hell, then you have some ammunition "see, I let them have the bank account".

All I can say is that I will try and at times I do feel under attack from then... sometimes they have good intentions and poor choice of phrasing - other times it really could just be an attack

[NaeNae]

I cannot believe to responded to practically 3 pages of responses

I am glad you have made the decision to take the BC into the bank rather than just handing it over. I must say it was interesting to read your response to Leasha about how they need to broadcast what they have "paid for" in front of other people, especially your parents.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do having read a few more of your responses. Sounds like MIL can say some incredibly hurtful things just out of spite rather than trying to talk about them or trying to see things from the other side of the fence.

Good luck hun, establishing yourself as the dominant female in your family I think will be hard for you especially if MIL is so use to being that role. I think over time she may get it but I feel it will be because you have lead by example. Its something I am "trialing" with my own mother.

Best of luck again, I am sure once she learns her role things will (hopefully) get easier for you.

Nae x x x x

[Manhattan]

Top effort TK That post must have taken you forever to write, especially with Miss C around!

So glad you were able to come to a decsion which you are ok/happy(?) with, and that DP also knows that you are not a pushover, and ultimatums wont wash with you.

xo

[Jennifer13]

You're a wise woman, tk1999. I don't think you're getting in a flap over nothing here. I really hope your MIL chooses to be more mature in front of her granddaughter from now on. My MIL had a big moment/meltdown when she realised she was no longer the woman who was the centre of her children's universe (not that she had been for a long time, but her son having his own child brought it out for her). She screamed down the phone to him once "But I'm a mother too, you know!" when he told her she was being unreasonable about not getting enough time to hold our three day old daughter because I was not well (and didn't want an unsettled baby). It's not only your DP who needs to get used to a new family dynamic, it's the ILs as well. GL with that!

[Riss10]

I haven't read all the responses, so apologies if I'm repeating what someone has already said.

My initial thought is that something sounds a little fishy. Could they be doing it for tax reasons, ie transferring money into the bank account, so it looks like they don't have as much and therefore not paying as much tax or claiming benefits etc.

Since you are the parent, they should respect your wishes. I think it is very rude they are not. They say that they have already opened a bank account, but just need a birth certificate. Banks normally have strict procedures, so I would have thought that a bank wouldn't open a bank account until they had all details.

Very odd!

[starangelk]

Hi Tk - wow, what a horrible situation you are in. I know your last post says that you are okay with the whole bank account thing and it is more the "hand over the birth cert" or else thing but I wanted to let you know how this went down in our family. My DH's sister and her husband live together with my PIL, my SIL has never lived out of home. Her DP moved in, they got married and when my niece came along - they just stayed. DH and I realise they are still living with the PIL for partly financial reasons. Despite this our niece has EVERYTHING and goes without nothing It's great! We were at a bit of a loss as to what to give her for birthdays and christmas presents because they have so many family and friends that give these massive and awesome gifts, to be honest they are running out of room. So - I suggested maybe we could just open an account - put $5/week into it and $100 for each xmas and bday. I rang my SIL and confirmed with her it would be okay and she was really happy with this. She DID say that they had a bank account in my nieces name and would I just prefer to use that? I said that might be an easier idea (because I didn't want the hassle of the birth certificate!!) but then she went onto say that they do use that account for baby things and they take money out of it regularly etc etc. DH and I decided we still wanted to open our own account for the baby so that it would be more a gift for her in the future (like a lump sum) rather than us just giving the parents extra cash funding to help with weekly expenses. Everyone was happy with this - thank goodness!!!

Anyway, I think it's about communication. We realised that it was going to be very tricky talking to our niece's parents about this and we didn't want to offend them in any way. If they had have said at any time they weren't comfortable with the whole process then we never would have gone through with the bank account. I think your PIL have just gone about it the wrong way - why didn't they just talk to you about it first? I think it sets the standard for how things are going to be in the future and I am really glad you have stood up for yourself. It's a shame your DP hasn't supported you. I hope everything works out for you hun and I hope I have explained myself properly and not offended in any way. xx

[Twin Sister]

My in-laws did something very similar to me. I get on with them really well so this was the only "fight" we ever had. We were visiting them back in March and a few hours before we had to leave for the airport my FIL tells DH they have to hurry as they have an appt. at the back to finalize this tax free savings account for DS. Huh? I tell them DS already has an account. FIL says this is a different type of account, a tax free one they will be contributing to. Confused as to why they are interfering, I tell them DS doesn't need another account, they can contribute to his exisiting account. FIl tells me it's none of my concern and to stay out of it. What?? I tell him if it concerns my DS then it concerns me to. He goes red in the face and starts yelling at me to mind my own business. Furious I leave the room and start packing my bags in the car (in tears). I could not believe it!

Thankfully his wife and my DH told him he crossed the line. He thought he was trying to help us, but he didn't look at it from my side. We have our own finances and we didn't ask for help. He then felt bad, realized his error and aplogized. In the end they went and opened a joint account with DS so that if any
thing ever happened to them, their money would go to him and not the bank. That made a LOT more sense.

I think it's great they want to contribute to your child's savings, but really why does she need two bank accounts? That makes no sense. I see no reason why they can't contribute to the existing one. Sounds like a control thing.

I recently met my birth mother. She has set up an account for all of her grandchildren (these are their only accounts though) and she wanted to set one up for DS. I told her he had one already and she happily agreed to contribute to the existing one. She agreed there was no reason for him to have multiple accounts. What would be the point. It's much easier to have it all in one place.

[tk1999]

Thought I would come in and provide an update.

I rang DPs parents on the Friday following my intital post and asked if we could clear the air from what happened and they agreed. I went up to their house and we both gave each other an opportunity to air our issues and concerns and let the other give their side. I came to realise that lots of what had happened was them taking offence to relatively small things because they resented me for other things and not being able to discuss it and I was the same. I was taking things out of context because of how I felt on other issues.

The trivial issue of the bank account was the straw that broke both of the camels backs and we both agreed that this was the case.

Things are still not 100% but we are in a much better place than we were when I started this thread.

I would like to thank you all for your posts... each one helped me to realise that this was not the issue to lose my relationship with PiL over.

[Nettie]

That's awesome work... well done you for taking the initiative to instigate some peace talks...

I hope things improve out of sight now and that your DH comes to realise he should have supported you all along...

[Nettie]

Sorry - double post!

[mandystoj]

Very interesting read! I most definatley wouldn't have thought it would be an issue but that's just me. First off I thought that maybe your MIL and FIL want to have a separate account so they can say that that's what they gave your DD when she is older and can access her account!

It's a great idea! My parents had an account for me and grandparents contributed (it was 1 account though) and at 18 years old I hadn't worked a day in my life but I had just over 20k. I started casual work at around 19 and got access to that account then and the rest is history.

Very glad you worked everything out!