Your child's bank account

[ll80]

I wouldn't be handing my DD's birth certificate over but would go with them to the bank so the bank can have a copy if its needed.
Maybe they want to put it in your DD's name for a tax break or something?

I'd be more concerned about identity fraud than anything else, how do you know what they will use their copy for in the future? or whose hands it will pass in to?
A BC is not something to hand over to anyone.
Maybe its cause my DH works in fraud for a financial institution that makes me skeptical but I certainly would not be handing a Birth Certificate to anyone.

[spooky]

I'm sorry to hear that what should be a generous gift is causing so much strife.

A non-guardian can open an account for a minor, but their name will also be on the account, and they will have full access to the money as it is also in their name. My sister tried to open an account for my son when he was born, but in the end didn't as she didn't think it was right that her name would also be on it. So it can be done.

If it is a regular account, and not "In Trust" then the other account holder (parent etc) has to pay tax on the interest made on the money each year. Is it possible that the IL's have money set aside that they are trying to avoid paying tax on?

If they are worried about you being able to access "their" money, have you considered letting you partner open an account with his name on it instead of the IL's?

My sons both have small savings accounts held "in trust' for them with their name and mine on it. My DH's name is not on the account purely because he was not at the bank when the accounts were opened.

[*EJ*]

I am also sorry to hear of the tricky situation. If the idea is purely for the sake of them wanting to save for the grandaughter that is lovely but if there is something else behind it then they should be ashamed of themselves and to bully you like that is just wrong. Follow your instincts, if you don't feel it's right stick your ground. You are the childs mother and your wishes should be respected by the IL's and your DP should be sticking by your side.

I have opened youth saver accounts for my boys purely because working in a school i could deposit while at work. I had the converstaion with my MIL the other day that we aren't going to buy DS2 much for Christmas because he doesn't need it with all of what we have from DS1, instead we will deposit money into his account. I mentioned this to MIL and she was happy to do this also.

I don't think i would be comfortable handing my child's birthcert over. I would be giving them the option of having the bank details to deposit when they wish or open up an account in their own names and save for the child as they wish.

It's a tricky situation and i hope you find a way out of it with your family still somewhat intact.

[Me+him+bub]

my DF's mother made an account for Jonathan without us knowing but she gave us his little passport thingy as a gift and said she would put money in every week and we could add to it when we want. She never asked us but she said she also needs the birth cert. I dont think you are being irrational at all, the way they went about it was wrong and the fact you had expressed that you didnt want that should have been enough for them to back off. Also the account our son was given is not allowed to accessed by anyone other than Jonathan if thats what they are worried about.

[Jennifer13]

TK - I think I get your issue. We had many, many issues with my MIL after DD was born (soooo hearing you on the 'not holding the baby' - in our case not long enough - kind of whinge). Her retaliation was to shoot off a four page email of abuse and insults (mostly directed at me, even though the argument responsible for her meltdown was with DP) saying she would be putting money away for DD and keeping a journal so DD would know how horrible we were to her when she was old enough. Real mature, huh? She kept it up for six (blissfully quiet and peaceful) months where she didn't contact us, until she decided that wasn't working for her and got back in touch. The saga continues, but enough about me...

I know she has an account that she says is for DD, but I couldn't give a toss. If she dies before DD is old enough, we'll be responsible for the money as her legal guardians anyway. If it's in trust, then DD can access it once she's 18. We haven't discussed it with MIL since it doesn't affect DD now or any of our decisions in relation to our dealings with MIL and her relationship with MIL. So I don't see an issue with a grandparent opening an account to put money in for a grandchild per se. TBH if MIL dies then DD probably is a beneficiary in her will anyway. (Especially if she stuck to her threat to cut DP out .)

In our case, MIL is definitely doing it to 'big note' herself (thanks, Leasha, spot on description) and prove that she's the world's best grandmother. I'm not sure who she's trying to prove it to, but it's clear some of her friends have gotten the message, based on comments I've overheard. DP and I are of a slightly different opinion and you'd think it would be our opinions that counted more, but there you go. And DD is too young to have much insight into things, other than Grandma comes over and plays with her. I sincerely hope DD's relationship with her grandmother is actually more harmonious than the relationships that MIL has had with every other person in her life, but I seriously doubt it will be. I'll just have to help DD deal with the fallout (which will hopefully be contained given the close supervision we provide).

It sounds to me that your DP taking his parents' side is a big issue. You are going to come up against many, many different things that as parents you will be challenged over. Particularly with ILs who like to have a stake in things and don't keep their opinions to themselves. The discussion about whether or not ILs should open a bank account for your DD should have been conducted by you and DP, behind closed doors, and then a decision made and given to them. If they think they can have input into your parenting decisions, I see a world of pain.

Your DP needs to realise that you and DD are his family now. Regardless of whether or not the bank account should/shouldn't be opened, he should have talked to you about it first and then gone back to his parents. If you both disagree, you'll have to sort it out between you. Compromise. DP and I have had many, many arguments over dealing with his family, but at the end of the day, my ILs have only ever seen the two of us in agreement when it comes to dealings with them. I might not always like the song, but I sing from the same song sheet. And if it's DP's family, well, he has slightly more influence on the decision than I, just as I have a bigger say with my family.

As for "I'll leave you" threats - it sounds like he doesn't have a very good reason to not support you so is resorting to emotional manipulation. My DP has done this in the past too. Ignore it. If he wants to leave, he can leave. Don't allow this line to change the fact that the two of you should be deciding on this together. Backing his parents over his partner is a BIG NO NO! Tell him so and try to sort it out. I'm sure you guys have worked through plenty of issues in the past 10 years, you can do it here to.

[Astrid]

I would not have a problem with my family or in-laws opening bank accounts for the girls. I would only have an issue if they suddenly started demanding that birthday money etc went in to it, rather than their existing accounts. My father has set-up up 2 accounts for the girls in trust. He has mainly done it so that the money is kept for them in case his will is ever contested. He did ask permission first and to confirm details such as DOB and spelling.

I do understand the issue of just handing over the birth certificate with regards to privacy etc.

As already mentioned there could be tax issues for them setting up an account and if I remember the article correctly, even "in trust for" accounts are not exempt. If the grandparents keep 100% control, then they are deemed to have earnt the interest as far as tax is concerned. (will see if I can find it again).

The ultimatum thing is a concern, but I do recall ridiculous stuff like that coming out of DH's mouth weeks after DD1 was born. It is like they do not understand the change in family once a baby comes along. The rules between the families change, I was not sure how to treat my MIL and my MIL was not sure how she fit in. DH was too damn busy protecting his mother's feelings, rather than realising that he had a new family and we were what mattered most. We needed time to sort out how to get it to work and all of DH's heavy handed threats almost ruined it all. To be honest I have not fully forgiven him for his "don't make me choose!' threat, apparently though he made it to his mother as well. That is his style though, get angry and make it everyone elses fault, rather than being diplomatic and finding a solution. It has taken us years to sort it out and get to a point where I feel that he puts us before his mother. So you have a big warning bell there of things to come.

By the sound of it you need to choose your battles when it come to his family and I think the bank account is too minor to be having threats over. I would let them have the account, but take the certificate in myself to ensure its safety. I do remember though how protective I was of any decision regarding DD1 when she was little, with time though I realised that I could be more relaxed over many of the smaller things. Please pick your battles, it is not worth fighting all of them, otherwise you risk being miserable and I am saying that as someone who has been there, done that.

[Winter]

Even if they didn't ask I still can't see what the problem is.
What bad can come of this? It's not going to hurt the child in any way is it? Who really gives a crap if the kid has mutiple accounts? That's not going to hurt anyone either...

I'm with Lulu on this one. My parents have an account for DD in her name, they set it up in QLD and I just took DD's birth cert into the local branch here and they scanned it and added it her account. DD gets pocket money from my parents and that gets put into her account by Mum.

DD also has an account here that I put money into for her.

TBH, I do think you are making an issue out of something that isn't an issue. They want to do something nice for their grandchild. Its not about you at all.

I'm really sorry to hear you DH say your relationship is over because of this. That's very unfair and I hope you guys sort it out.

PS. I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but you did say you have thick skin

[maz]

Why cant the grandparents just say..give me the account details to the account that you opened and we'll DD into it if its easier???

It always seemed us..the younger generation seem to be bending backwards to 'keep the peace' in family relation's....yourve gotta give respect to get it

ETA - for what its worth...we dont know what PIL's are like not either...so this could be a build up of years of other things

[Winter]

ETA - for what its worth...we dont know what PIL's are like not either...so this could be a build up of years of other things

True Maz, I was thinking about that after I posted. Sometimes its the littlest thing (not that this is little to the OP) things that we dig our heels in over and say ENOUGH!!! It really is a case of the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that I get irate with my MIL about things that wouldn't even worry me if other people did it.

[*EJ*]

I agree in that there are times when we need to choose our battles otherwise life would seem like a constant battle.

Both parties here are digging their heals in and not wanting to give in, it's a tricky situation but i'm leaning towards the mother having the right to make a choice for her child and that in respect of her mothering the IL's should not push the situation.

Again i hope things can sort themselves out without too much disruption to the family.

[CoNNiE_Melb]

Wow... what a topic...

Although I dont think it's a huge deal for the grandparents to open an account, I do have a problem with it when you specifically tell them you are not happy with that and want them to contribute the one you have already set up.
Regardless of your reasoning (stubborness, privacy, trust etc), it is your decision which your DP should have discussed with you before getting to his parent's place. She is your DD and the 2 of you need to be the ones to make the decision.

As for him taking his parents' side... that makes me angry. If he thinks his parents are so great and wants to choose their side all the time, then he should go back and live with them. He needs to grow up and realise that you and DD are his family and priority now. His mummy can back off!

[helle]

.

As for him taking his parents' side... that makes me angry. If he thinks his parents are so great and wants to choose their side all the time, then he should go back and live with them. He needs to grow up and realise that you and DD are his family and priority now. His mummy can back off!

Well said! Time to cut the umbilical chord, I reckon

[ladybird11]

We've just been through this ourselves lol...

Just sticking to the issue of the bank accounts - make sure it's 'in trust' - found that out the hardway.... But turned out to be for the best!

DH's mum set up a accounts for both kids with a photo copy of the birth certificate - it didn't really bother me too much, I just thought it was good that the kids would have more dollars to their name. It doesn't inhibit us also putting away for the kids too...

[lizh]

I would be concerned about the tax implications...why not set up an investment bond where they can contribute each month to it?

[Jas]

I think the issue here is not the actual issue here if that makes any sense at all...I don't think the issue is actuall ythe bank account

I can understand your opinion and I am not sure how I would feel about this topic but I do know that both my mum and PIL would respect the wishes of dh and i with regards to our kids.

As dd's mum you have your right to an opinion and a vote and as dd's dad your dp has a rght to an opinion and a vote, seeing as you don't agree with each other someone is going to have to compromise..or both will have to compromise, but that is something that has to be decided between you and him as a couple and co parents. Nothing to do with the grandparents and their opinions.

If it's a bank account today what is it tomorrow, religious decisions, education decisions, where to live decisions etc etc Grandparents are wonderful things they have a very special role that others not even mums and dads can fill and they can give advice on pareneting and marriage etc etc but only when both partners want this. I think it is very important for you and dp to develop as parents together and to make the decisions, others can advise but not get a vote, it can take a while to develop in these new roles, flip it seems to me for the rest of your livers you will be developing and growing as parents.

I think your dp is being unreasonable in his ultimate in fact that is beyond ridiculous but maybe it would help to sit down and discuss each others opinions and go from there?

[Oorki Galoorki]

i dont see the what the problem is at all.. your PILs want to give your dd money... they want it in an account they can handle until a time that she needs it or can look after it her self.

both my kids have accounts set up by their grand parents.. PILs is for their education my parents is for when they turn 18 or 21 (my kids ar richer then us).

its only a bank account, it is not every other decision you still are the parent. you get to teach the value of money... and how nice will it be for your dd to recieve a nice chunk of money when she is what ever age that she never knew about...

[JCE0810]

I think that TK1999 has EVERY right to refuse for her PIL's to have her DD's BC for the purpose of opening a bank account in her name, it's not the point it's the principle.

And as it's been said in this thread before today it's a bank account but what will it be tomorrow.

If you knew TK1999 's PIL's you'd refuse too.

T i know you have thick skin and you'll dig your heels in, chin up sister you'll get through this and i hope PIL's realise they are going the wrong way about wanting to contribute $$ towards your DD. Honestly they need their heads read.

And also you are NOT the cow that gave birth to "their" granddaughter, you are a beautiful woman who carried & nutured a baby and gave birth to a gorgeous little princess.

That's just my 2cents anyway

[Nettie]

I gave a certified copy of DS's BC to my Auntie (his Nana - long story) to open a bank acct in his name - but I trust her.

It's a family tradition to give kids a bank acct with savings in it when they turn 16, 18 or 21 (depending on the kid and the giver)...

I don't know your situation personally, so I can't make sweeping statements... I just wish you the best.