Funny things you said in labour

LMAO! I love this thread!

One in there I did..With my first I had the argument with the middie about having to go do a number 2. "I need to go to the loo" - Middie:"No you don't honey, thats your baby" - Me: "No.. I gotta poo"
So they finally get me back on my back as I had been trying to climb off it to go to the toilet - I am completely wiped out by the gas - it did nothing at all for the pain, but I was like a stoner or something - anyway, they convince me that they should break my waters at long last and I figure what the hell by now, I'm high on gas... and I remember I felt the gush and said "see... told you I needed to go"

With Lyta I had a short midwife with short fingers and she wanted to check how far I was.. But it was tking her ages to find my cervix because its so high and up the back.. she couldnt reach it basically.. "Where do I order a tall skinny midwife?"

And the best for last, I just pushed Harry out and my first words were "Oh thank f*&$ thats over"

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"Where do I order a tall skinny midwife?"

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:lol:

I say sorry a lot just after labour. I always get told off for it. "Sorry about the mess." "Sorry about the noise." "Sorry it took me so long to get the placenta out." "Mrs Toomany, you don't need to apologise." "Oh, sorry."

i already knew DS was going to be a boy but i said just as i was starting to push
"it better not be a girl"
i thought that was pretty funny

:rofl: Love this thread!

I wasn't anywhere near as funny ... I just did the 'I've had enough, I'm going home, I'm NOT doing this anymore!'
Pretty sure I was in transition ;)

The only things I remember saying while in labour were telling DH to shut up because he kept asking me if I wanted an epi (he says that he didn't ask very many times but obviously he asked 1 too many times for my liking).

The other funny thing, I was getting an epi (eventually asked for one) and my sister said "this is where I'm going to step out of the room" (she was never very good with needles). I was sucking pretty hard on the gas at that point but I managed to break away and call out "PUSSY!" to her retreating back lol. :lol:

LMAO this thread is hysterical, I am so glad its still going. I didnt end up saying much of anything let alone something funny when in labour with DS, maybe I will have a story to add after the birth of this next baby lol.

This is the funniest thread I have ever read!!! All 7 pages, LOL.

I can't really remember much about my first three, lol, but with my last I just kept saying "I can't do this anymore, I want to go home" and "how much longer, how much longer"...I'm sure I said that a million times.

Near the end during every contraction I was just kept repeating "f**k, f**k, f***********k", and between contractions I would apologise the whole time for swearing and then start swearing again with the next contraction, LOL.

Every time the midwife told me to push I would try and push but I would also try and cross my legs, LOL. The midwife kept telling me "you can't cross your legs, the baby won't be able to get out" PMSL. (I think I was subconsciously trying to keep him in there cos I wanted a May baby...I have no idea why, LOL). I ended up pushing him out with one midwife holding one leg and my other leg up over another midwives shoulder. (pushed him out in 9 minutes, thank god!!!)

This Thread is HILARIOUS~! Thank you girls!

I did the whole usual i'm never having kids again speech... told my step dad he can stick future grandchild up his *^*^* when he asked how i was going, i should point out my signature at this point and you'll see im 31weeks preg lol!... Just after Izzy was born the m/w told me she wanted another push i asked Why? (der the placenta hahaha)

Can't remember anything else :) will come back in a couple of weeks lol!

I was my sisters hand to squeeze when she went into labour at 34 weeks.
She basically said
" Thank god this baby is prem or i wouldnt be able to s@#* it out"
then with her second she said
"GET ME MACCAS! I want a quarter pouder with connnnnnnnntracttttttttttttttttttion and a chocolate sundae"
it was very funny.

This thread is so funny!

During transition with my DS I told the m/w that I was just so tired and that I just needed to rest and go to sleep, she said she could offer me some pethidine, ( they didn't really believe i was in labour at that point), I said no I don't think you understand I don't need pethidine I actually needed a general anesthetic. BTW I had DS 20 mins later!

While I was pushing, I said F#@K twice and then apologised quickly saying " Sorry i know I sound like trash". :redface:

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Just after Izzy was born the m/w told me she wanted another push i asked Why? (der the placenta hahaha)

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LMAO! I remember with Angie (the one where I was high on gas) the Middie said "Now we have to get the placenta out" and I was like "WTF? Its not over yet????" I also remember asking if it was going to hurt as much! Ah to be young and naive again... How else did I think I was going to "disown" the cord hanging out of my whooha!

hehehee great thread.

This is not me being funny but my midwife.

I had completely lost it and had been telling my husband and my midwife that I wanted to to skip gas and anything else they had to offer and go straight to the C/S. My midwife kept gently, calmly saying 'no, hun, that's not what you want'. When I kept pleading she eventually said firmly 'Look. You really don't want me to give you a cesearean. I've got no surgical training and I'd just make a terrible mess. I'm not that good with blood either and I might just pass-out or spew!'. I was so out of it, I barely registered that she was joking. I just thought she was being really difficult. DH laughed though!

Later, when the doc came in and said he wanted to examine me, I said 'watch out, I'll tell my baby to bite you'. He didn't get it at all and just said, 'if she can bite me, she's in a really bad position'. Dumb*ss!!

I find it pretty funny that I apparently only swore once during labour - I have a filthy, FILTHY mouth and DH and my mum were expecting a four-hour long string of expletives :) But I managed to behave myself even though I was in so much pain!

I think the midwives were a bit taken aback at my reaction to the gas - I've never had it before, and was astounded at how similar it feels to being high on pot. I sucked down a few mouthfuls, starting giggling and announced to DH, 'OMG you HAVE to try this, it feels like I've just pumped down ten bongs - I need to eat it off or something... arrrg, the dries! It even gives you the dries! It's just like dak!' lol... (ftr I quit smoking pot when DH and I got together and haven't touched it since lol, I just couldn't believe how similar the feeling of gas was to being stoned, right down to that weird headache behind your eyeballs!).

And then there were the multiple requests for 'ciggie breaks' lol... I was DYING for a cigarette and just wanted to hop up off the bed, go down to the courtyard (designated smoking area near the ER) and suck down a nicotine hit to get me through... I must have been off my head with the pain because I got annoyed when the midwives told me there was no chance of that happening lol :) Even as I was haemorrhaging 3 litres of blood I was asking if it was alright to get up and have a shower and a cigarette...

Gothmum!! What a crack up!! I love it!

I also have a filthy, filthy mouth, but for some reason was able to be quite a pris. Dunno what the heck happened there.

Both my mum and DH were with me when I had DD. I think I might have said to mum "I'm not doing this anymore, you can do it for me"

I also remember one time looking at the clock and saying "I have to go home and feed the cats"

When I first went into labour and the midwife came to my house to see how I was going, I told her that I was going to have the baby by lunch time that day. My waters had broken at 2am that morning. She just said "we'll see" lunchtime came and went and then I decided I would have the baby by dinner time and be in my room able to have dinner. Dinner came and went as did breakfast the next day!

LOL i love this thread!!!

Yes i also thought i sounded similar to Darth Vader when i had the gas!!!!!
During transition i told DP to call my sister because i all of a sudden didnt want her there anymore as i was in too much pain lol....

I remember asking for an epidural and the midwives said 'oh no we will just try the gas and then maybe the peth.... i turned to DP and yelled THEY ARE NOT ****ING LISTENING TO ME!!!!!! lol oopsie ;)

Also i needed to pee really bad while i was in the last stage and my student midwife said 'oh do you want to hop off the bed and go to to the toilet?' i replied 'THERE IS NO ****ING WAY I CAN WALK TO THE TOILET RIGHT NOW - GET ME A ****ING BEDPAN!!!!!!! lol

ummm also the usual i cant do this, im never EVER having sex again, get your hands away from me!

OH and.. Im pooing!! 'no your not!' YES I AM!... no laura you are not pooing... IM POOING I CAN FEEL IT IM SORRY!!!!... FWIW i didnt actually poo.....lol

After I had my epidural I could hear the lady in the next room screaming and kept telling my midwife that 'that lady reallllly needs an epidural' and 'someone should go and tell her how good this is . . . she needs an epidural'. Apparently I was quite insistant :redface:

After both my births when they lifted each of my babies on my chest, I am another one who kept saying over and over again 'it's a baby'.

While I was in labour with my 2nd The Bold and The Beautiful was on tv. I was watching it to keep my mind off things, anyway it was at the time when Brooke was going to tell Ridge that Bridget wasn't his child but was in fact Erics. At the end of the episode she chickened out and didn't tell him. I yelled out mid contraction "I KNEW SHE WOULDN"T TELL HIM!!" Everyone in the room was in fits of laughter.

The funniest thing that I realised years later, is taht called that baby Brooke! She was not named after Brooke on B&B.

When I arrived at the hospital I had to lie on my back for monitoring which was the most painful part of the whole labour, I grabbed my husband by the scruff of the neck an said "Nicole Kidman is never going to be able to do this"!!!!!

I remember saying "I cant do this and i want to go home" and my doula said to me, remember what the books said, you're going through transition and i said to her, Dont you DARE lie to me, i have only been labouring for 5 hrs so there is NO WAY i am going through transition yet- i then promptly continued to spew in the bag they'd given me :D

I also remember at this time that the middie said, well i think its time to move to the birthing suite (i had laboured in my hossy room) and i said What for?? - She said well you want to have your baby dont you? and i replied, well i am not walking to the birthing suite and the middie said, no hun you won't have to walk, ill get you a wheel chair - i laughed at her and said you WILL NOT be able to find a wheelchair in a maternity ward cause they are only for people who have broken their legs WTF??! - Anyway, by the time my OB arrived to watch me birth DD the profanity had set in and when DD was crowning - i actually sang "Mother ***ker this hurts" to the tune of happy birthday?! - My OB said he wished he'd brought his dictaphone to record it, he had never heard anything so funny :redface: - My DH said he could not believe it when he heard the lyrics coming out, he thought i'd lost the plot :D

When DD was crowning, the midwife asked if I would like to touch her head and grabbed my hand to guide it. I yelled "WHY THE **** WOULD I WANT TO FEEL THAT?!!" and jerked my hand away from hers, hitting her in the boobs!!

I remember the birth of dd3 - Hannah, was going quite fast, and i was pushing. The midmives told me to wait for my Ob - and i said "Can't you guys just do it!!!!?"

another funny one wasn't while i was giving birth but after it. My bottom was sore - roids- and a nurse came in with a suppository - i think i must have gone incredibly pale and said -" nothing or noone is going near any of my holes again!!!"

In labour with my son I told my mother that I knew I had to give birth but that I didn't want the baby anymore and that she could have it! My partner looked very surprised!

And with my daughter two weeks ago I told my partner 'dont touch me!' to which the female ob answered 'I say that to my boyfriend all the time and I'm not pushing a baby out!' Even I laughed!:lol:

haven't read everyone else's, but I said a fewtimes, bout the 8cm mark 'I want to go home. I'm going home now. I'm tired'

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I grabbed my husband by the scruff of the neck an said "Nicole Kidman is never going to be able to do this"!!!!!

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:rofl:

this is great!

I said to DH " I wanna go home now... I'll come back and do it again tomorrow okay??" In a real pleading voice..

Lol these r funny.

With ds1 I had the gas and the first suck I was standing and literally had to be caught by dh and the midwife on the way to the floor. My middy said she had over 20yrs experience and had never seen someone like that with the gas, after not long I was too out of it to even put the tube to my mouth during contractions so I stopped using it.

I was laughing to the point of tear and almost wetting myself, I told dh I wanted a maccas cheeseburger and I felt like going swimming, he said he was proud of me and I said no, I'm proud of yoooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu (like a drunk and with a finger pointing at him) lol

ds2 I didn't say anything funny, when I was pushing and the midwives came in dh stepped back about a metre and I said Phil, touch me (just waiting to feel he was there) afterwatrds he told me he almost cracked a joke and said "well that's how we got here in the first place" he decided it was unwise to say this haha but I remember the midwife laughing so she must have thought the same thing lol

With ds - when I first had the gas I turn to dh and said 'I'm taking a bottle of this home with me. It's GREATTTT stuff. lol

With dd - Her head was half out and I started screaming give me a epidural. The midwife said just push. I screamed I want a epidural first. Of course I pushed 20 secs later then she was out.

LOL these are great.
well i was in the spa bath having gas ad started blowing bubbles in the water, then asked for a sandwich and dropped it in the water. and laughed.
the lady asked if the gas was working and i said 'not as good as a cone!!!' :doh:
then when they asked if i wanted a mirror to see the head come out and i told them to get effed!
:lol:

oh and XP kept going wooooaahhhhhhhh woooaahhhhhh everytime he saw the babies head i wanmted to tell him to shut up with the woahs already

:rofl: what a great thread!!!

A funny thing I did when in labour right after transition and just before the pushing stage, I was leaning over the bed and felt DD's head just hanging so low in my vagina ready to pop out and I said to DH and the midwife "it feels like her head is RIGHT THERE!!!!" and I started walking with my legs really wide apart hahaha and they said "IT IS...." haha it literally was.... PMSL..... probably funnier if you were there but yeah that was one of the funny moments I guess.... DH still laughs about it :lol:

I also lost my mucous plug on the bathroom floor in the delivery suite and I said "woops sorry" and the midwife and DH both laughed a bit....

Oh! And another one..... I was almost pushing and a midwife came in and asked us 'do you mind if a student doctor comes in to watch the birth?" to which I replied "only if she doesn't talk" :rofl: (it was a male in the end and he took pics for us!!! haha) no idea why i said that but i guess i just didnt want to be out of my zone as i was trying to focus!!! i was a bit annoyed the MW had even asked me that...(its a teaching hospital tho i guess)

I was on the phone to 000 and i thought i was swearing my head off but wasn't but i was being a bit short/smart with the operator...

He asked the hospital i was going to and i replied, he said oh my wife just had her baby there.. i said "yeah lucky her" :rofl: (i was home alone on the bathroom floor)

I was more worried about getting underwear on after my water broke as my male cousin was coming to make sure i was ok, i remember telling mum "he didn't even go down that end of peta when she had zac"

Mum also said what will dames (my cousin) do when he sees you like this.. all i said was f**k damian... lol

I gave birth on Rememberance day 11.11.2008 and I remember seeing the minute silence start on telly and halfway through a contraction I said to DF very politely: "shh honey we have to be quiet now it's rememberance day."

What an idiot. I think the lovely men and women who died protecting us would have been ok with me making noise whilst trying to complete a feat many of them would have run screaming from!

:clap: These are hilarious!!
I am such a potty mouth, I warned DH that he shouldn't be embarrased by all the swearing & carry on that he'll undoubtably hear when I'm in labour.
But I was actually extremely polite during the entire 22 hours :rolleyes:
I said thank you everytime the midwife did a VE or checked my BP or bubs heart rate.
I excused myself everytime I burped.
Said a very meek & quiet okay whenever the midwife asked me to do anything.
I apologised when my waters broke on the floor.
VERY polite - DH & midwife were laughing at me behind my back!!

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LOL these are great.
well i was in the spa bath having gas ad started blowing bubbles in the water, then asked for a sandwich and dropped it in the water. and laughed.
the lady asked if the gas was working and i said 'not as good as a cone!!!' :doh:
then when they asked if i wanted a mirror to see the head come out and i told them to get effed

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ROFL!!! not as good as a cone ahaha

My best friend, after pushing for about 2 hours wailed 'can't someone just PUSH A BUTTON and make this baby come OUT!'

isnt me, but i remember when my mum was in labour with my sister, i was 13 and she was in the bathroom with my dad and me hovering around bothering her, she just shouted at my us ''do something usefull and make a cup of tea'' we still joke and say it now 13 years later if someone is just standing around doing nothing!

Willow that takes the cake!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I asked for my undies back! :lol:

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* I had wanted a girl and was a little dissappointed at first I was having a boy that the whole labour I was saying 'It's not too late, you can still be a little girl'.

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How do you feel now you got your wish three times over? :)

To add a story: My mum refused to believe she was in labour with my youngest brother. Dad was trying to get her in the car and she was adamant that it was not happening. No way, no how. When they finally got to the hospital (once dad convinced her that yes, she was in labour) she held onto the car door and wouldn't let go. Dad almost had to carry her in, with mum grabbing onto any available surface to stop him from making her go inside. Apparently they got to the birthing room with about ten minutes to spare :lol: My other brother and I must've traumatised her so much with our births :p

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i actually sang "Mother ***ker this hurts" to the tune of happy birthday?! -

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:ROFL:

LOL Emma!! I certainly could have gone a few :D

Had to check back and see whether I'd included DD2's labour - nope, I posted while I was *in* labour with her (got to 8cm and barely felt a thing, yay me - at 8:57 I'd already been told I was 4.5cm and had gone home because nothing else was happening lol)... so should probably add my choice 'dumb quotes' from DD2's birth.

Upon arrival at ER at 4am, I was told it was 'procedure' to wheel me up to maternity. 'What about when I leave the hospital? What happens if I drop the baby and *you* run over it? Huh? I want to walk, people are already looking at me like I'm a total d***head, there's nothing wrong with me!'

At 9cm, wandering around with no pants on, the MW offered me a gown. 'Oh, yeah - because the lights are on in here but it's dark outside so if someone's looking through this window they can see my s***ch.' )Maternity is about three floors above ground level lol.)

Before my waters were ruptured - 'Seriously, what's with these wussy girls who get epidurals? I feel pushy but it's not painful or anything!' About three seconds after waters were ruptured - 'Oh Christ, we're having a baby... now I remember it DOES HURT! IT HUUUUURRRRTS! No, unbreak them, put them back! PUT IT BAAAACK!'

In serious labour, hearing birds twittering outside - 'Oh, whaaat? Is it morning? It's daytime? Why isn't the baby OUT yet?! The birds are awake and putting me off my gaaaame!'

Having trouble pushing, the midwife did an internal and found I had a cervical lip. She tried pushing it back... repeatedly. About the third time, I grabbed her wrist and screamed, 'GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MEEE! You're HURTING ME!'

Baby's head appears, and the midwife says, 'Oh, well would you look at that - she's facing the wrong way. That's why you had so much trouble pushing earlier.' I replied, 'And I bleeding well TOLD you there was something wrong, didn't I? I TOLD you to get a doctor, didn't I? You incompetent FOOL!'

Baby's head was out, I laid back on the bed. 'You can do the rest now, I'm done. Too tired. Wake me when it's over.'

oh how fun it has been reading these posts

I remember my DDs birth. I went into labour at home on my own and it was full on from the get go. Rang an ambulance and contractions were immediately 30secs apart and felt like they were going for about half an hour each time. Ambulance told me to lie down cos the baby might come out.. i'm like.. well that's kinda the whole point! i told the girl on the phone that i refuse to lie down... she can just tell her men to drive faster, make it a race!

In hospital, i walked in with the ambo's and they went to get the lift, I said.. i'll meet u at the top, i'm taking the stairs! Gotta lose my baby weight! haha.

Straight into the shower at hospital, my best friend was with me.. i kept saying 'don't look at me naked!' and 'get me something to wear!' i refused to take my undies off! when my waters broke, i had to take them off cos they were all wet and grotty... but i asked for them back! Midwife got me a gown and i said 'fk it, u've seen it already'.. then 'get me some clothes!'... lol.

pushing for half an hour (total 3hr labour), I kept telling my friend and the mw to stop looking at my twat! my friend would laugh and look at my face.. and i'd tell her to stop looking at my face! then i'd bury my head between her boobs. i spent the last 30mins burried in a facefull of boobs. told mw at one stage to stick her whole arm up there and pull her out! She said she can't do that and i whispered..'shhh... it's ok, i promise i won't tell anyone! it'll be our secret'. haha.

i was getting anxious and hyperventilating at the end.. so the mw was asking about the sex of baby and chosen names etc. I told her i was having a girl and her name is Ciara.. she said, oh i delivered another baby Ciara in this very room yesterday! so the next contraction comes and she's like.. this is the last one (head was already out, just waiting for shoulders).. and i didn't push.. nor did i the next contraction or the next.. she said.. are u having contractions still.. i said, yes... but i can't push just now.. i have to think of a new name!