Maybe it's time I do a birth debrief for my DS, but I'm worried it will make my mental state worse.

I don't like midwives. I am classed as high risk this pregnancy, but I have cancelled nearly every hospital appointment, including one I was supposed to have this morning, despite being 36 weeks with high BP.

This comes from a negative experience in a very incompetent place when I was both pregnant and birthing DS. I never have met anyone that had a positive experience in that hospital, and it was all due to the culture of the midwives there. It was a culture of laziness and negligence. People did try and sue over different things, mabye that changed them later on.

Now I find I don't trust midwives at all. When they have occaisonally taken my BP, I'll think they are fobbing the numbers as that's what happened before. I won't believe anything they say to me...yet here I am going to give birth very soon in a birthing centre! I've gotten around seeing them so far by only seeing my GP and refusing instructions most of the time to go in to hospital. I've winged it so far this pregnancy, I don't know how really.

I desperately want a natural/vaginal birth like I did with my other kids, just because it's DP's first baby and I want him to experience it all nicely, so I booked into a birthing centre. With DD I wouldn't allow any of the midwives near me until I needed to push and when I needed an ARM, I asked them to stay out of the room. I can't do that this time.

I'm actually really afraid that when the time comes, I will be in so much denial about the hospital that I won't go in and that I will deliver my baby at home. I find that my physical state can be controlled by my mental state, that I can feel much better, even though the same problems exist. So I'm actually worried about being in labour but denying it's happening. That's the extent of how I'm feeling right now. I actualy feel my baby and I are in danger going to the hospital because with DS it really was a danger as babies got sick when he was there and many pregnant ladies were neglected and put in dangerous conditions. We were safer at home.

Has anyone felt like this and had a healing experience? I know I haven't given this place or the midwives a chance, I'm afraid I've left it too late.