More tara.

I had a homebirth because i was so scared of the hospital so i totally know where you're coming from. I'd been a birth partner at a pretty horrific birth of my SIL and her 1st DD and it put me RIGHT off. Plus i'd always known from being very young that i wanted natural-type birthing etc. and looking at my hosp stats (40% c-sect, 60% of 1st time mums, of the VB's 43% epi, 65% 1st time mums) i was rigid with fear. My BP was high too and i had to have hospital daycare monitoring in the last 3 weeks of pregnancy which was an ORDEAL - at one point i had a midwife doing a relaxation therapy on me to calm me down as my BP was so high (white-coat, it dropped 15 points in 5 minutes of relaxation) they were going to hospitalise me then and there!

My homebirth was great and i had no problems. It's a shame your DP isn't more supportive of that. TBH i'd have kicked XDP's butt if he'd had that attitude. I know it's because he loves you but anxiety and fear can be infectious. There is literally NO reason to believe you won't be able to give birth perfectly fine. There are so many things that can cause post-partum bleeding, it's actually been shown to be very rare when birth is allowed to happen naturally. No delivery is the same as the last, nothing physical indicates a definite stumbling block, and HELLP might not recur. Afterall, you were thought to be showing signs early and here you are with 4 weeks to go still fine... I know it's his first too, maybe he'll realise in time for your next one that his partner's body is capable of exceptional and beautiful miracles I take it your GP can't do your delivery? In the UK they can, though most don't, it's true. Just a thought.

If i were you i'd print out what you wrote in this thread and take it to the birthing centre and ask to see the supervisor of midwives. Let her read it, cry, talk, midwives want to help you and look after you, and if they feel you're closed off (because of your terrible experience) they probably feel at a loss as to how to reach you. Most midwives are loving understanding people and i'm sure your openess about your fear will be met with extra care and attention to helping you have the birth you want.

I really feel for you hon, i remember well that the emotional-vulnerability that can be so tender and beautiful in pregnant women about to birth is NOT conducive to having to face fears or fight your corner.

Love

Hana