Needing to vent (sorry long)

[Mummato2]

My mum arrived last night to help with my son.

Bit of background.

She is a midwife, has been for around 40 years. Hospital based for the last 20 years.

Originally due to the lack of choices within the hospital system and the OB's instantly putting me into the "high risk" category and insisting induction at 38 weeks - I asked my mother how she would feel helping me with a Home Birth (I couldn't find a private midwife in our area)

She was all for it, had done private midwifery in her career and we went about planning the birth.

Alarm bells started to ring in my head when she started saying things like "I will be keeping a close eye on you, if something doesn't look the slightest bit right we will transfer" and things like "you can labour in any position you like, but as soon as the delivery is imminent then you need to be on your back" blah blah blah blah......

I spoke privately with my DH (who pretty much lets me make the decisions re: my body and birth) and he agreed that this would be too tense for any of us to enjoy the day and felt as though my mother would be a control freak etc.

So I took my chances and got in touch with the local birth centre who I never in a million years thought they'd take me on (due to the "high risk" thing) and they did! It's even backed by their OB. They even gave me the option to still HB.

Anyway, I was stoked - I could still get my non-intervention birth with midwives that were prepared to let me do what I wanted in my birth plan. I am choosing a douche for GBS rather than IV anti-biotics, water birth etc. Brilliant - I was starting to look forward to the birth.

Then my mother comes home last night. Hasn't seen me in 4 months - first statement was "oh my god look at your big belly" ok then - I am 9 months pregnant......then she feels my belly and says "are you sure you're right with your dates" yes I had a dating scan at 6 weeks and I am very confident.....why? "because this baby is going to be a LOT bigger than Cooper......you might want a sizing scan just to be sure"......

Already my hormonal rage began building and she had been standing in my house less than 10 minutes.

She then asks how they are going to manage the GBS. I told her I am refusing the AB and opting for the douche......her reply "arrgh".....need she say more? I just shot her a look and said "this is MY INFORMED DECISION" to which she noted the anger and said "yes well this is your birth but I have seen babies get very sick" BLAH BLAH BLAH - I again told her that I had made my choice and weighed the pros and cons etc.

I think she has a bee in her bonnet about me telling her that I wanted a Birth Centre/IM HB rather than her deliver her grandchild.

She let an hour or so go by and said "I've brought everything in case your labour is so quick you deliver at home".......I told her my midwife lives 20 minutes away and we've already discussed this. If I can't get to the BC in time, she'll head over for the HB.

Then this morning first conversations are about all the new things my toddler is doing, then she says "are you feeling uncomfortable?" I say "yeah, kidlet doesn't have much more room but not long anyway I can handle it" she says "all you need are your waters broken and you'll be on your way" I say "what are you suggesting?" yep you guessed it, she offered to break my waters.

THEN she proceeds to say "if you don't want to do that, you could try expressing some milk daily, that may start things"

At this point I've had enough. I look at her and say "enough already. Stop being so bloody selfish about MY pregnancy and wanting to do what you want to do - which part of I AM HAPPY TO GO TO 10 DAYS OVER DON'T YOU GET?"

Her response "your placenta fails in it's function after 40 weeks and you are prepared to go 1 week and 3 days past this"?

I've told her to get in the car and go for a drive because if she stayed in front of me for one more minute I was going to regret the next thing that comes out of my mouth......so she's gone for a drive and I've just gotten off the phone to my poor DH who is just trying to get some work done.

Needed to vent - but bloody hell - how hard is it for people just to leave me alone and let me be? I am not by any means a stupid person and have made informed decisions along the way. These 2 kids I have been blessed with came with years of infertility and a few losses, so I would think that anyone should know that I wouldn't just take risks with my birth.



GRRRRRRRR

[HollyC]

Well, it sounds like a great decision not to have your mother as your care provider!

I try not to talk to my family about giving birth because they think I'm a tree hugging hippy freak because of things like doing yoga and wanting a vbac. It is hard though because I want and need their help and support, especially with DD.

Try not to let her get to you. I know that is easier said than done!

[Lisa]

Oh honey... I agree that it is probably best that you have gone through the BC as your mum is obviously thinking as a MW, mum & grandmother rather than a care provider.

Not long to go now. WTG with the douche, thats what I was going to have if my GBS came back positive... as the AB's wouldn't have had time to kick in as they take 4hrs and I was only in labour for 4hrs.

Wishing you a beautiful birth that is everything you've hoped for.

[fourthontheway]

I'm sorry she's being so pushy, she's really over stepping the boundaries isn't she!

I think you need to be very firm with her and tell her that you have all the advice you require, and that she can be there to support you as a mother but not a medical professional. Tell her very firmly that if she crosses the boundary at any time between now and 2020 you'll have her on a plane to Arizona faster than she san say "BUT...".

I understand that it's hard to have these conversations with our parents but it's really essential when you're pregnant that you not be bothered by trivial concerns of other "well meaning" people.

:hugs

[BrightSparkles]

Oh hun
Sounds like you have made a good decision. GL xxx

[Jas]

Oh brother!

I am in awe of your patience right now!!! Far out it sounds like it is a very good decision you made to choose other care providers. It sounds as though your mum is upset that she isn't going to be your care provider and its sounds like she trying to get her way back in there...bringing everything "just in case" and offering to break your waters, I know she is qualified but offering to do this when she isn't your care provider etc etc just seems a little strange, it sounds like she is hoping you say yes and that things might progress fast or she can convince you to stay home and not call you im or something.

It sounds as though you have a great birth plan and will have a wonderful labour. I would suggest one thing though, seeing as the ice has been broken I would sit down and go through some guidelines for when you do go into labour (I am assuming she is staying with you and going to watch your ds while you are in labour)

I think it is soo sooo important who you have around you when in labour and even though now you can handle her comments when you are in labour comments like these might really get to you and the idea of having ARM and moving things along might seem more appealing, if you don't want this kind of thing to happen I would talk to her in advance. Maybe you could say I will be up this end of the house, bathroom, bedroom etc please stay down the other end, or I don't want you to talk to/touch me while I am in labour etc etc etc

Wishing you a ewonderful labour and birth

[Inanna]

Well done my love on deflecting all of that behaviour!

Unfortunately some can get very controlling & over functioning in their roles... I have seen this happen a lot too.

I am so happy you are getting care that you are comfortable with now. So, is your mother still going to be present for the birth of your baby? If so honey you either need really really strong boundaries or get someone else. I would hate to see her getting antsy because she's not running the show & instilling fear in you.

Don't think about this baby's size. You have a midwife that is happy with how things are. Looking at a belly is no way to tell the size of a baby... Women very very rarely grow a baby too big for their body unless there is an illness like GD.

You have set yourself up well for your birth, accessed care you are comfortable with... Just iron this stuff out with your mother...

Remember, she loves you - however that doen't mean she knows your body better than you do. She could be a wonderful enhancement to your labour but you need for her to support your other child not direct your labour... Big cuddles darling

[jackrose]

I rode those waves of emotion with you as I read your post. Frustration at being forced down the early induction route with the hospital, joy at deciding to have the HB with mum, concern at the path that seemed to be taking, elation at being accepted into the birth centre (and with understanding and support to boot! Woo Hoo) and then furiousness at your mother and her over stepping the line!

I hope you are able to find a way to talk to her so that she understands the damage she is doing with her approach and concerns. It is so unfortunate that it is something you have to deal with when this should be the time you can just focus inwards after making such well informed decisions.

Good luck with her, I am glad your DH is there to support you. Maybe you can both chat to your mum together?

I'll be thinking of you

[Mummato2]

Oh thank you all for understanding

Her parting remark last night when my DH tapped my belly and told the bub to get out was "you need to get a stretch and sweep done" - I just looked at her and said "no, I don't know where Mother Nature provides those and I'm certainly not letting you near me"

My DH and I explained to her earlier in the day that while we are grateful she is there to look after my son she is not here in the capacity of a midwife and I very bluntly told her that her philosophies on giving birth were clearly different from mine and since i wasn't going to be pressured into her suggestions for the sake of harmony it'd be better if she just didn't suggest them.

Seems it fell on deaf ears when she suggested the S&S

She won't be there for the birth - we're likely to go to the BC because my little guy wouldn't do well seeing me in pain - but more than that, she was there at my son's birth, speaks to this day how mismanaged it was, but never ONCE made an effort on the day to step in and either speak to my DH to refuse certain things etc - so I don't think she deserves a second opportunity to bag the birth I actually want.....I can just see it now - she'll whinge about it being a water birth etc - when she found out it was a BC birth the first thing to come out of her mouth was "they are very hands off midwives, you will tear, a water birth is dangerous if the baby swallows water" I just said to her "for an educated woman you have a serious deficit in birthing knowledge"

[jackrose]

Wow! You hit the nail right on the head with that comment about her deficit in knowledge! Kudos for you for having the gumption to say it!!

You have dealt with her so well! She has her role, you know what you are doing, you informed her what you need from her and asked her not to step over the mark - in reasonable terms. GO you!!


ETA: I just thought of a cheeky reply should she push for induction methods or S&S again, tell her you are off to DTD with her son, Mother Natures induction method, with a good deal of nipple stimulation thrown in! Ask if she would fulfill her duty and mind your son for her while you two get busy!! Hee Hee!!

[Mummato2]

ETA: I just thought of a cheeky reply should she push for induction methods or S&S again, tell her you are off to DTD with her son, Mother Natures induction method, with a good deal of nipple stimulation thrown in! Ask if she would fulfill her duty and mind your son for her while you two get busy!! Hee Hee!!

I might just add that.

She has already warned me once again tonight with her p!ssed off face that she has seen many "BC disasters" having to be fixed in the hospitals labour ward (BC transfers) because of their "dangerous" practices (specifically talking about a physiological third stage) THEN says "and Water Births are dangerous, I have seen water birth babies take more than 5 minutes to resus" - whatever. I just said to her "and how many have you attended since you are a hospital trained midwife with NO qualifications in Water Birth".....yep, that shut her up. Her last words though when I told her my GBS results were negative this time around was "you are either positive or negative - since you were positive with your first baby it means you're positive".....ummm not according to my swab thus my refusal for treatment!

Grrr.....

[Inanna]

I've had a waterbirth & my baby didn't require resus! That's absolute balone! As for being strep+ it is also incorrect that once positive always positive.

Just focus on your innate woman wisdom - deflect the negativity & trust honey.

[Mummato2]

I've had a waterbirth & my baby didn't require resus! That's absolute balone! As for being strep+ it is also incorrect that once positive always positive.

Just focus on your innate woman wisdom - deflect the negativity & trust honey.

Thank you so true. Her advice comes from pure ignorance and refusal to read updated information. It truly is sad - I'd hate to think what kind of experiences her patients have

[fourthontheway]

I'm having a home birth with my kids there, I'm showing them lots of videos and youtube vids and making noises like I"ll make in labour so they're not scared of the pain. It's always a possibility if you wanna do it! Although if you leave your mum t home and go to the bc you might get more peace

Good luck, she's really pushing the boundaries isn't she. I hope it doesn't stress you out too much xxx