Sibling present at birth

[Liz]

OK.. seeing as no-one was in the chat room just now, I decided to occupy myself reading some articles on the main site! hehe.

Just read the one about siblings being present at birth, and deep down I would love to have DS there. I sooooo know that I won't receive much support for this from friends & family. My SIL actually did have her DS there for her second.. and everyone is saying "you're not going to do what she did are you??". (I don't particularly get on with my SIL.. but we seem to be making very similar choices with our bubs! LOL.. she was a great longterm breastfeeder, no drugs in labour etc etc etc)

Anyway.. back to my question. The article gave the perspective of a 4 year old. Can someone help me get into the mind of a nearly 2 year old? heh. Would he understand our honest explanations of why mummy is hurting, and how much work it is to get a baby out? Also, the article was about a homebirth.. does anyone have suggestions of this working in hospital? Should we consider another support person to be there for him? Or is it possible to just have me, DH & DS? I don't really want anyone else there.

I'm open to any discussion and suggestions on this one!

[BellyBelly]

I think that with homebirth and hospital birth there should be a designated carer for the children. Marisa was 2.5 when she was Elijah born. They are so matter of fact at that age, well, I guess Marisa was anyway, children are all different - but she recalls it with much joy, even though I had not really prepared her for it. I talked about the baby coming etc but I had not read her any books, like Hello Baby or Birth Day (which are fantastic btw). She knows I made noise, she knows what fun she had with my sister. She hasn't come out of it badly and I think you just need the carer to make sure they know when is an appropriate time for the child to leave (e.g. if they are getting upset or birth is traumatic for mum). I'm really pleased Ris was there, she is a little birth expert lol!

[Liz]

My mum will be waiting outside, she knows she's not allowed in LOL, so DH could bring Tallon in and out. I'll have to judge how he is.. he worries about me when I'm lying down having an ultrasound at the moment! hehe. Dunno how I'd keep up the 'happy face' during transition to reassure him! LOL.

I just don't like the idea of dropping him off at Nana's while I go to the hospital.. even if he's waiting outside and can come straight in once bub is born would be good. hmm... will have to think about this one! I just asked DH what he thought, and he can see no probs with Tallon being in there with us.

[BellyBelly]

Trainee doula? Then DH is free to be all yours...

[MantaRay]

Liz, this is my experience. Jack was 19 months, so a little younger than 2, but with an excellent comprehension and communication level. Due to Thomas arriving 3.5 weeks early and a 3 hour labour, Jack had to accompany us to hossy and was in the delivery suite until a friend could come and get him. He left only about half an hour before the birth, maybe even less as it all happened so quickly. So while he didn't see the birth, he certainly saw me in pain and on the floor breathing through contractions. This had NO negative impact on him whatsoever. He was not distressed, he seemed to understand that mummy was having the baby, and he took it all in his stride. An hour or so later DH had picked him up and brought him back to the hossy. I was still in the delivery suite and Jack was fascinated with his baby brother and not funny with me at all. Actually, I think it helped that he had seen me in the room before I gave birth, it helped him to understand what was happening/had happened. Based on Jack's reaction, I would recommend having a sibling of that age present if that is what you want to do.

[Julie Doula]

Hi Liz,

I think it might make a difference if it was in a hospital setting (unless it was the kind of hospital that lets the family take over and just do their thing, saying, "We're outside if you need us! As you were ....")

In New Zealand, they have family birthing rooms to accommodate some cultures, including Maori culture, when you have several family members in the birthing room, even up to 20! (Check out the Birth Crawl video - there's a good dozen members of an Indian family present). A hospital with this kind of sensitivity would be a safe bet. I have seen some hospital environments that I doubt would be conducive to a young child's presence (but they are the kind of places that I doubt would be conducive to the birthing mother's sense of confidence, too!)

My 4 yo dd and 2 yo dd were present at their little sister's homebirth. I thought they were the loveliest birth attendants. At different times they each patted me, saying "S'oright mummy!". My little 2 yo was peeking round my leg to check on the progress of her sister crowning then coming back to pat me some more. They'll be great future doulas I reckon. They were so nurturing. But I did assign one adult friend each to be their special birth companion, to get them drinks or push them on the swing or whatever they needed (yep, outside pushing kids on swing in between contractions). In the end, they were so happily absorbed in the little family drama that they did not really need anything special from their carers but I thought it was good we had them there (like watchful angels) anyway.

I love "Hello Baby" and (little brag here) am proud to know both the mother who's birth features in the story (who also wrote the book) - she is my writing teacher; and the lovely doula who attended that birth! And we are now living in the house where the childhood friend of the author's mother used to live - she had her first kiss on our porch! She (being a writer like her daughter) wrote us three pages of stories about the lives and loves and losses that have unfolded in our house over the last 70 years! Small world.

Er .... got a little OT there ....

Liz, I hope your upcoming birth is a wonderful family celebration for all.

[Willow]

Liz, I've thought about this a lot myself. And I didn't get great reactions from my family or friends either when I've mentioned it to them!

I will be having a hospital birth (you are with JP too aren't you??) but I can't imagine just dropping DD at MIL's and then bringing her back to see me with the new baby?

She is very used to hospitals and to seeing me in hospital and in pain (last year was a bad year for me health wise and I had quite a few stays in hospital, I was breastfeeding so she was there regularly so I could feed her) so I am not overly concerned about that, although like Talon she gets upset when I lie down to have an u/sound done.

I think at this stage I will play it by ear. If I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I think I'd just let her sleep, but if it happens during the day, I think I will get MIL to bring her down when things get close and if nothing else, have her brought in immediately after the baby is born.

[Ellibam]

i will be having makon with us. although we are having a home birth so still not quite what your after! we also have a support person for him so ben doesnt have to consentrate on him!
but i will try and remember to post after bubs is born to let you know his reactions! (should be with in the next week or two!

[LizzysMum]

I have decided not to have Eliza with us. She is just at the age where she is into absolutely everything and if the labour was longer than 5 minutes she would be bored. I also don't want another adult person besides myself and DH (and MW) there so I thought it would be best for her to go to Mum's. I am going to labour for as long as I can at home and be back after the minimum time so hopefully she will get to see her baby sibling soon after.

Good Luck.

[Liz]

Willow - yeah I'm with JP. I think we'll end up playing it by ear too. My initial thoughts are that mum can look after him outside the labour suite, and DH can bring him in & out.. and then we'll just see what happens when it comes to the crunch and i'm actually pushing the baby out. heh.

[Cyathea]

My 23 month old son was present at his lil bros birth, and he was quite blase about the whole thing, we had dh and a trainee doula present, and he happily played throughout the whole thing, just giving me funny looks sometimes, he was great! And I was so worried about it!

Admittedly this was a homebirth, so he was in his own environment, but having someone on tap especially for his needs will be great. I wish you all the best, and I think including older siblings in the birth process is a very valuable, insightful and compassionate thing to do.

[Janie]

Liz, I'm not sure about this, but I think I've read somewhere that hospitals insist that you have a carer other than your support person to look after any children in the delivery suite........you'd need to check with your hospital obviously, but it's something to think about.

[BellyBelly]

Yeah I think they do need a dedicated support person or carer for them... no-one can possibly support a woman and do childcare at the same time...

[Liz]

Well DH managed to sit & eat his sandwiches whilst being my support! LMAO.

Am still thinking about this one ....

[Roryrory]

Wow I think you are all really brave doing this. Flynn will be just under 18 months when bro/sis is born and I hadn't even considered it. I had initially thought he would be scared/upset but come to think of it he is and I expect will be (as most other 18mo's) so self-absorbed that they tend not to empathise with mummy being "in pain" IYKWIM?

[Inanna]

Liz this is a topic very close to my heart...
When we had DS who is now 6 our DD was 5. I had not considered her not being at the birth but she was old enough to choose. Ihad been at a number of births where siblings were present and had never seen it as an issue. DS was born at 1.10am at a Birth Centre. She had a designated carer and spent the time at the BC whilst I laboured rubbing my back, brushing my hair and watching with the awe that only a child can... She cut her brothers cord when he was born. It was a beautiful experience.

When DD4 was born her brother was 2 and he and his older sister were at the birth in the same birthing centre. Again there was a designated carer - he was a bit over come after the birth with the excitement and joy. His pudgy little 2yo hands on his new born sister still reduce me to tears. It again was beautiful.

When DD3 was born again all siblings were present with a designated carer. This was at a private hospital. I had my own midwife. My DD who was 15 months and her brother hopped in and out of the birth pool during my labour.. My dd breastfed intermittently. The family memory of that birth is amongst the most precious of my life. Our daughter and sister still attatched to our cord being welcomed by 3 sets of eager, soft hands all with tears of amazement. It is beautiful and I weep as I type this!!!!

It is my firm belief that when children are well prepared, supporters are well prepared and the environment is conducive that siblings at birth is a very rich family experience.

Birth is something like death that we have put in the cupboard. As a society (and I believe this is slowly changing) we hide birth. We don't talk of the experience or share. The village has gone. The village where the neighbour would help with our births and children were present as par for course.

I understand it's not for everyone. But I always urge folk to explore the possiblility. When you deal with children honestly and you explain things to them and they have support and options if they are scared - birth almost always is positive for them.

I explained that I would "make some noise that helps the baby come out". We watched videos and they heard labouring women on visits to the hospy / birth centre. So, they knew. Each day toward the end I would make labouring noises and they would join in. It familiarised it... We watched some birth videos and we have the books previously mentioned which are beautiuful - my favourite is Hello Baby. Very very special.
I showed the kids photos of my previous births so they knew what I would look like, what my hoo haa would look like...

Try not to be put off by others opinions. My MIL said I would damage my childrens mental health and it would be a trauma. Far from it. My children really had no indicator of sibling rivalry after the births of siblings and I often wonder if it was because they were so involved in the process. They came to midwife meetings, helped to hear the baby on doppler, palpated my belly with the midwife. In all they were involved completely and loved it. If one of my kids chose not to be there that would be fine. I always give choice (not so much my DD4 at her sisters birth as she was so little). She waqs only 15-16 months but she looks at the photos and loves that she was there, that she was involved even though I don't know that she has conscious memory of it.

People are so quick to offer you the what if this scenario happens stories. Well, if things don't go quite to plan you have a support person to remove your child from the room. Birth, it's noises, smells and sights I believe are important for children to see. I have said this before but after DS was born his DD5 came home from preschool mortified that her friends mum had had a baby and he wasn't there! She didn't understand that it wasn't seen as "the norm".

In the end you do what YOU feel is best - I can only offer in my personal experiences it will be one of the most treasured memories of my life...

When this baby in my belly is born our whole family will again be gathered around the birthing pool with the candles going and this baby will be welcomed by four sets of sibling hands and teary sibling eyes...

[Liz]

OMG Flowerchild - you make me really want to do this! Dunno that DS will be at an age to 'appreciate' the experience, but I think it would be lovely to have him there rather than him just coming to visit me holding a new baby.

I've just looked at doula's in my area - there's quite a few listed for Blue Mountains on BB! Have just looked at a couple of threads re costs and trainees etc. Will have to have a serious chat with DH. I can't think of any friends or relatives that I'd want in the labour suite with me. I liked it last time that DH & I were pretty much on our own, with the midwife popping in and out. I didnt' mind having the midwife there, so I'd say I'd be comfy with a doula, and DH can keep an eye on DS. I don't want DH to feel pushed out of the picture tho hehe.. so I'll see what he thinks about it all. He might prefer it! He can be babysitter & photographer LOL, takes the pressure off him

[New Dawn]

Well this is going back a few year now but when my 2nd child was born we had our 3yr old son with us not by choise but because his sister decided to come 2 weeks early so had no family up here to help out but lucky for us we had a midwife in training who was ment to be doing her 1st delievery but instead she got the job of baby sitting. As i only had a 4 hr labor it wasn't so bad they put bob the builder on for him and he was happy to watch that near the end they took him for a walk to see other new babies so by the time he came back his sister had just come out. he doesnt remember anything about it so I dont think it has heart him in anyway he got a little destressed when I was crying and carring on but other than that he was fine but I would take some one with you so that if the labor goes on for to long then there will be someone there to take over that way DH can take care of you and not have to worrie about anything else, plus if something happens and you have to have a C section you wont want to have to worrie about anything else so find a close friend or rally to help out.