sil pregnant and only wants c/s

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Hi there,
My sil is 38 and she and her dh had previously decided not to have children, however they changed their minds and she stopped taking the pill and tried a couple of times. Thinking it hadn't worked they then decided not to try anymore - and guess what, she's pregnant. Problem is she is now freaking out (huge understatement) and threatening to abort her baby if she can't have a c/s :evil: . I won't elaborate on what I think of her at the moment, suffice to say this is no big surprise as she has always been very selfish, I'm just wanting to know whether she can have an elective c/s given she doesn't have private health insurance? Are there out of pocket expenses etc...?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Page

[Janie]

I don't know much about this for sure, but I can't imagine that there would be anyone who would guarantee her an elective c/s at this early stage.

I have known a couple of girls who were almost as scared as your sil, who cried themselves to sleep every night cos they were so petrified of childbirth, and then claimed they were definitely having a c/s. Both of them were in the public system, and they both went on to have drug free vaginal deliveries! If you had told either of them in the 1st trimester that they would do that, they wouldn't have believed you, but they did! I think as time went on, and they became more informed, they realised it was in everyones best interests if they could give natural birth a go. Needless to say, they are both very proud of themselves!

I hope it works out with your sil. I don't know what she's like, but I do know that this fear she has is very real and very scary. I thought one of my friends would have a breakdown she was so petrified. I hope your sil can get the support she needs to help her make the best decision

ETA I have a friend having an elective caeser in a few weeks in a public hospital, but she had an emergency c/s with her first, so she didn't have any dramas getting the elective. The hospital staff have been very supportive of her, and sent her to classes on VBAC etc so she could an informed decision.

She has absolutely no extra costs to give birth this way, I can't imagine anyone would going public. The problem for your sil will be getting someone to agree to it......and that may not be a problem at all!

[BellyBelly]

I'd recommend that she seek some specialised counselling, not because of what she wants, but there are obviously a great deal of intense feelings going on, which could effect not just the birth but her mothering too, if she's full of fear, shock, uncertainty etc. Unfortunately its not something most people would be happy to hear from someone else. Certainly a sad situation, and I would imagine a candidate for AND / PND.

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I contacted a doctor at the royal womens in melbourne to explain her situation - he just called not long ago and is going to organise an appointment for her to go in and see him. I told her I'd do this with her permission of course, because I think she needs to talk to someone who can answer her questions and provide her with the right information. Instead of listening to her friends, who are putting more fear into her by telling her that her life will be over once the baby's born. I do sympathise with her somewhat, but I'm fed up with hearing her throw around the abortion word whenever it takes her fancy. She knows that my dh and I took 5 years ttc and a cycle of IVF to fall pregnant, so I'm not the right person to say this to. I hope though that she can find some peace with being pregnant, as well as with the idea of childbirth.
Thank you for your reponses.
Page

[Pandora]

Hi Page,
Hopefully she will keep her appointment and get some advice

My cousin has had 2 c/s (both due to PE). She was a public patient, and for the first one E/C it was all free, in hospital etc. For the second one, becuase it was planned (they knew early on about the PE and booked her in for a c/s), she had to pay for a couple of visits to an OB (all her other appts were shraed care) which she got some back from medicare.

[Rainbows_]

wow i cannot believe she wants to terminate her pregnancy! over a c-section!!

Anyway before i get worked up i would just advise her to get councelling and some help because that is not normal she obviously has a very deep fear of childbirth, im sure there are many places she can go for an elective c-section but it would cost her about 9,000 pound on the nhs it is free.

Gosh what will she do when she has to wake up in the night? Is this woman able mentally to look after a baby without going crazy?

[Melbo]

Rainbows ... I think this woman needs support, not a personal attack. I notice this is only your second post. I hope your first was much nicer.

Page, the counselling sounds like a good idea as there is obviously stuff going on there (as the others have said). Hope that helps her to come to terms with the changes ahead.

The fact that she is even saying these things to you (knowing you have had to go through IVF) suggests that she doesn't seem to be thinking very clearly at the moment. Hope things improve soon.

[Naomi]

Rainbow, i agree with the other girls that your SIL needs to talk to a proffesional about her fears etc before she drives herself and you crazy

I have a friend who was adament she wanted a c-section for her first birth, no ob would even entertain the idea without a medical reason behind it, she went on to have a drug free vaginal delivery and it so proud of herself

I hope your SIL keeps her appointment, and you might find that once she has been to a couple of antenatal appointments she might change her mind

[barbie-up]

I had an elective CS for my second baby in the public system - I was referred to an OB by my GP and I had one visit with him before and one after. Thats all I paid for, no OB fee or anethitist fee. And once you get over about $750 in out of pocket expenses in a year, you get nearly all of it back.

I would imagine that hospitals have some sort of psychological help attached.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a CS through fear or medical reasons or anything. No amount of discussion would have changed my mind about having my second baby that way. It's one day in the baby's life. You get over it and move on. Support her and let her know there are people here who will too.

[Rainbows_]

Responding to

Melbo - hello this was not supposed to offend anyone and i did clearly say she needs counselling, however i do not agree with a woman terminating her pregnancy over a c-section and if i am the only one who wants to stand up for what right then so be it if it will save a life of an unborn i will make a stand and say that is cleary wrong what she said. (putting the guilt of a childs death on the doctors conscience) surly that is not right and i say again she needs to be advised that this i wrong and seek proffessional help

Plus its not much difference from what was said
quote - and threatening to abort her baby if she can't have a c/s . I won't elaborate on what I think of her at the moment, suffice to say this is no big surprise as she has always been very selfish,unquote.

Melbo - i also never mocked your opinion or suggested it was worth nothing because of your post coount if page has a problem i will kindly appologise to her. I am not sure melbo why you were so offended? Maybe you agree with abortion i dont know but like i said before its not a personal attack its simply expressing morals and recognising whats not right, i do hope we can make better friends in future

[Janie]

Rainbows, I think Melbo was just making the point that we are usually a little more tactful on this forum. We really do our best not to criticise the other members, and if needs be, do it in a gentle fashion - as Melbo did. I think she was just referring to your post count to point out that you are new here, and hopefully you will come to see that we are quite a friendly and supportive little place.

I think it was not so much what was said, but the way it was said IYKWIM.

[Rainbows_]

Thank you Sezjm i completely understand where your coming from, i will bear this in mind, like i said i hope we can still become friends

[Melinda]

Thank you everyone for your input into this discussion, but can we please refrain from turning this into a debate about termination, as I don't believe Page intended that to be the focus of her post.

Furthermore, termination is a highly sensitive issue and we should ensure that we choose our words carefully before posting about such issues.

Thanks ladies.

[~Flossie~]

Page - i hope that you are able to help your SIL.. and a big hug to you for being such a caring SIL to her.. It would be very hard for you to listen to her nervous rants about abortion etc after your years of TTC.. SO BIG HUGS to you!!

a GF of mine was terrified of having a vaginal birth and she found a DR happy to do a c/s .. in the end she needed a c/s as her bubs was breech! to this day i tell her that she willed her baby not to turn ! so the decision was for her to have a c/s !!!

At the end of the day as long as mum and bubs are happy and healthy xoxo

[mrsmac]

Fear of the unknown is a very scary thing, remember this poor woman has no idea of what it will be like to give birth and seems to have gone into blind panic. You are a really lovely sil Page to be so supportive especially given your situation. I think maybe with some counselling she might overcome some of her fears. I had a gf who had 2 c/s just cause she didn't want to affect her sexuality and to her a vaginal delivery would do that, she also didn't bf for the same reason. i guess everyone has different opinions and makes decisions that others of us disagree with, but thats what makes the world interesting.

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Thank you all very much for your responses. I understand it is an uncomfortable topic and I appreciate you each taking the time to pass on your thoughts and advice.I thought I'd provide an update on my sil. She called my husband last Saturday night to inform him that she lost the baby. I'm not going to push the subject with her, as I'm sure it's possible that she is telling us the truth - even though she did tell me that if she chose to abort her baby that she'd tell people that she lost it....I haven't had an opportunity to speak with her, so not sure where she's at. She told my husband that she's sad but will not be trying to fall pregnant again. He was left feeling a bit annoyed with her, but for different reasons. She told him that he couldn't possibly understand what she'd been through (our reproductive history, like many on this board is quite extensive and emotionally painful) and that being fertile was a curse - I just wish that she could learn to filter her thoughts before they reach her mouth, doesn't do her any favours on occasion !
Thank you again,
Page

[MistyFying]

... a gentle reminder to play nice, ladies

I'm sorry your SIL lost the baby, Page.

[Rainbows_]

yes i feel so sorry for her, maybe she has heard horror storys about labour, i remember whn i was pregnant all i heard was how awful labour was, how much pain there was, the bleeding, when things go wrong, the after scars and depression, i was quite scared but i new God would get me through and he did and i have a beautiful little girl and now i cant imagine life without her im so protective over her its unreal.