So you don't think he's going to come to the party on this with you? Do you think maybe that he is still dealing with a little bit of trauma as well from your last birth? Men handle these things differently to women. From what I have read about the place, men seem to be the ones who tend to go rushing for medicalised birth when there has been a previous trauma because they seem to think that Dr's can stop all of these bad things happening again. But what they neglect to realise is that it is the Dr's who more often than not create the trauma. They don't equate homebirth (for example) as being 'safe', they only see it as being dangerous because if the trauma that occurred last time was in a hospital, how is being at home away from all the machines that go ping going to be any better kwim? Men who seem to be able to understand all that tend to be a rare creature indeed. If a woman had a PPH in a hospital that was caused by interventions etc, a man might only focus on that if you suggested homebirth and start with 'what if you bleed', not realising that when you are away from the interventions, then you are LESS likely to bleed.
I really think that for you to get your E, that you just need to work on him and help him understand why this is what you want. Most of the time fear is borne out of simply not understanding the situation properly and I reckon if you can get to that point where YOU are 100% happy with what is going to happen. You need to start at D to be able to get your E does that make sense? If he understands all that you are telling him and why it is so important that you do it, then he will be more likely to accept that you want to do it your way. If you start at D, he gets a chance to validate his concerns and it lets him have an input.
When I said above that I know I couldn't birth with confidence without DH's support, that is coming from my own situation where there has never been any trauma. I never had that baggage I had to deal with first. I imagine that if I had a traumatic birth, then my whole perspective on this question would be different, especially if some of the trauma happened because I wasn't supported by him or if he let things happen that shouldn't have happened.
So you are coming at this from a completely different experience to what I was and I totally understand that there is a need for some women to completely reclaim their bodies and their births by doing E. I just think that to get to E, you probably do need to work through the others first
The trauma last time was caused by the doctors though. What does he think will be different about going to hospital this time? Because you're in a MW led unit? Maybe he needs to learn more about transfers and hospital rules regardless of which part you're birthing in.
If my H wasn't on board I'd start moving towards E and offer him support and education so he could understand my choice.
this is such a difficult issue to discuss because everyone comes to it with their own experience and no two situations are the same.
I think Trillian is 100% right in saying that men handle situations differently to women and in the most part, I think they can put their head in the sand with birth issues a bit as it is not being 'done' to them, they do not have the pregnancy and birth on their minds constantly when pregnant in a way we do as women and they don't have a sense of how long lasting the effects of loosing power over your body in such an intimate way can be. It can be incredibly difficult to get to that understanding for some men and I completely understand your desire to protect yourself fiercely in any way you can to avoid birth trauma.
I agree in some ways that one needs to take a partner's opinion into consideration when making decisions that ultimately effect both of you, but there is justification for a line being drawn in some circumstances. I was pretty hardline with my DH about his attendance at DD2's birth and I got into a lot of trouble from my Midwife about that, mostly along the lines of give him time, allow him to be part of the decision etc. Problem was, I knew him too well. I was let down in the first birth and I knew what I needed this time around. I knew that giving him time to come to a decision about the birth would have been squandered as it was last time and that he would not have done any research, become involved in the decision or discussed it with me in any meaningful way. I decided this time to deliver the ultimatum, my way or you are not involved at all. I have never, ever given an ultimatum before and I generally don't believe in them. I think they are disrespectful in the most part, but, this time I really needed to take care of me. I was still open to discussion if my DH wanted it, but I was firm and clear on many things about the birth that he had to come to terms with.
To say he was angry is probably an understatement. That was something we had to work through though. In the end it was a very healing process and I think that all the preparation I did along the way really helped. For me it was a situation where I had to make it mine and make it work. Maybe there is a little of that for you too?
FWIW, I know this is a little off topic but I found the best way of helping DH understand where I was coming from was watching films and docos. Reading and research just is not his thing for birth. He has enough reading and research in his work. The business of being born, Orgasmic birth and home birthing dvds we got from our midwife really helped Dh 'get it' and opened up good discussions. I would highly recommend them, especially The business of being born!
ETA: I just remembered that I also got a pretty angry response from a number of my friends who thought that my hardline approach to my birth rules were totally inappropriate. But, again, they don't know the intimacies of our relationship, have not walked in my shoes and don't know the full story of why I did what I did. They based their disapproval on their relationship with their DH, on their previous birth experiences and their ideals of what rights a dad has. I don't think they were wrong in their beliefs, I just don't think they should have forced them on to me in such a judging way. With regard to your opening question, it is great to consider this issue and use the responses here to work through the issues but ultimately, I believe, you have to do what is right for you this time. You have to do what you can to birth safely for you and your baby and you need to ask your Dh to support you in that. You have that right.
Last edited by jackrose; June 21st, 2011 at 10:57 AM.
First time being pregnant and having my DD, I did it all alone so everything was my decision and I know I can do it all without support. I am finding it really difficult to 'share the journey' this time, especially as everything went so well last time, kinda feels like I know what will work for me and what won't. My default is E, simply because of my experience last time but I am trying very hard to be at least a D.
I know my partner would be happy with E. I guess because I do have experience and he doesn't, he trusts my judgement about it more. I wouldn't make decisions without at least discussing it with him and explaining why I wanted to do whatever it was I wanted to do. So far he has understood my thoughts, concerns and agreed with my choices so it is working out for us.
hun, I'll come twist his arm.
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