"Why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child"

[~Raven~]

I don't think I could do it without my DH there with me. He was absolutley wonderful

I do understand what Mr Odent is talking about though. Some men would be tense, stressed and not good support for their wives. It manes sense that some of his tension would transfer to the labouring woman and possibly hinder her labour.
But that's just some men, not all

[AJC]

When I do finally have a baby I definately want my DH there. I couldn't imagine not including him in something so important.

[myboysmumma]

I understand that he is supposed to be 'well respected' etc. However, I have some issues with this article. First of all, any study that uses the word 'never' catches my attention - um, never? That is a little dogmatic and a huge generalisation in my opinion.

I could not have done it (my 26 hour labour) like I did without my wonderful DH. As others have reported, it was a comfort and a blessing that he was there.

Perhaps the ob should consider that perhaps it should be a woman's perogative whether her husband attends the birth or not - she should not be forced either way. I agree with penstealingpol. - some men would not be ideal in a birth situation. But I agree that if they run off because of it, um, perhaps he was a loser all along.

[mnmum]

Hmmm.. food for thought.

My now XDH was present for our first birth. He was not really of much help. I didnt want anyone to touch me during contractions, and as they were pretty much continuous, he was a bit like a shag on a rock. He sat in the chair surfing the net on his mobile. He was really only able to help when I needed someone to support me to go to the toilet or shower.

I had my mother there also who was of a lot more help. She was able to do things like tie my hair back and talk calmly to me. XDH was so jittery I couldn't talk to him.

XDH said afterwards it was hard to watch me in pain, and he had to actually leave the room when they were giving me an epi as he couldn't stand to see a needle in my back. Luckily mum was there and was able to hold me forcibly still for the procedure. I was racked with contractions the entire time so sitting hunched over was near on impossible. I had around 6 contractions whilst they found the right spot.

We are now getting a divorce. He ended it when I was 12 weeks pregnant. Things became rough during the first pregnancy (very difficult one), and everything did get dramatically worse after the birth. Perhaps he cant cope with what he saw? I wont ever know as he can not talk about things like that.

He will not be at this birth. When I told him, he was most relieved as he said "I was worried what you might yell at me during the birth" Poor Didums! My mother will be the only one with me and I have a feeling this will be a much smoother event (even though this pregnancy has been twice as bad as my first). XDH will be at home looking after our son and will come to the hospital after this little one is born.

He had the choice to be at this birth, but when I realised he really didn't want to be there, I decided that he would be of no help to me. If he was in the room, I couldn't have mum as she would have to look after our son. He is happier with this arrangement and I think I will find it much better too.

[Epacris]

Wow, this thread actually prompted me to ask my DH, "So how was the experience of DS's birth for you?", I'd never thought to ask him before.

He said that it wasn't "pleasant", but the he wasn't "traumatised" by it, but that he could basically "take it or leave it". It was a bit of a shock for me to hear him say that because my feelings about DS's birth are so different. DS's birth for me is (so far) the most amazing and cherished experience of my life, and my DH was such an integral part of it. I couldn't have done it without him and I absolutely did not want any other support person there instead of or in addition to him.

DH did go on to say that by far the most important experience for him was EVERYDAY, sharing our lives with our son.

Anyway, I think Astrid is spot on. It's all about having information/education and making informed choices, and having those choices respected.

[Ellibam]

i can see where he is coming from! i think its more about having a nervous person as a support person over an experienced support person.

my husband was a wreck after my first birth. it was very upseting for him.
next time he was so much better. but i wanted him there cos it was the birth of his children! i know i couldnt have done it with out him( he is how i got in to that sitiuation! hehe)

but i know that first time round it would have been much better to have an experienced support person!

i also wonder how much the media has docted(sp?) this interview??

[Nadine216]

After reading throught all these posts and having a nice cuppa tea, it dawend on me. I would have "wanted" my DH with me during labour, not because I want him there, but because it would be expected of me, kwim?? I would feel that he would feel left out and that others would think me selfish that I don't want him there. To be honest, my DH makes me nervous when he gets tense. When he is tense, he gets irretated and then he can become plain rude. It's his way of coping and in and I love him for that, BUT it does get to me when he is like that. I would also be worried about him the whole time. Is he hungry, is he bored, is he tired, if he is with me is the shop doing ok I would feel weird with an other man looking up my woo-haa. I would be worried that he might say something to the nurses/doctors, or get worked up because they don't come withing 5 seconds after he pushed the button. Silly stuff like that.
Yes, he was with me for my c/s, but it was done under general and I knew nothing of him being there. I do know that I loved that he held my hand when they put me to sleep, but if he would have walked out at that point, it would not have made a difference to my support or to me. Was it traumatic for him ... yes. He told me so. Seeing your wife's belly cut open and fishing around there for your child have to be traumatic. Did it affect our love/marriage/relationship ... no.

So I do agree with Astrid. I also feel it should be the husband's choice if he wants to be there or not. And if he chose not to be, he must not be regarded as an "sissy" Only he would know if he would be able to handle the experience or not.

Hats off to Mr Odent.

[paradise lost]

I didn't agree with the article but then i'm not a big fan of Odent either.

XP was a rock during my labour (way more than he has been since, hence the "X") and i can't see how those 4 hours being shorter would have been better for me!

I am not interested in being with a man who loses his desire for me after seeing how powerfully feminine by body and my Self can be. That is a juvenile reaction to me and i'm not interested in it. If i have to face the reality of birth then so does he and if he can't he can take a long walk and not come back.

My partner did not know it, but I had given her the exceptionally rare, but ideal situation in which to give birth: she felt secure, she knew the midwife was minutes away and I was downstairs, yet she had complete privacy and no one was watching her.

He GAVE her the gift of abandonment at the moment of birth? Are we to assume that she chose that even though she "didn't know it"? There is a big difference between a woman wanting to be alone, and a woman being left alone "for her own good". How is it different from ANY other treatment at labour or birth a woman herself has not chosen? Sorry. No thanks.

[Snacks]

My DH found Natalie's birth distressing. I know this because he happens to be very good at communicating his feelings (better than me) and we were able to discuss it afterwards. If he was incapable of expressing his feelings, I would understand that perhaps he'd deal with it in a less desirable way.
I think its pretty harsh to judge men for not being able to deal with such a traumatic experience. Some people need help but don't feel it is socially acceptable to get it. I think it is sad but true that if a man said he needed to get councelling after experiencing the birth of his child he would be slammed for being selfish, or a wuss, or whatever. And that's not fair. So I can understand how difficult it would be for some men to come to terms with.

DH and I are both incredibly glad that we had a female birth attendant who is an experienced midwife to lead us through labour and birth. If she hadn't have been there, I think Natty's birth would've been VERY different.
I have to say, I'm glad DH was there because I wouldn't want him to feel left out of such a momentous occasion in our lives... But next time if he'd rather not be there, I won't mind. TBH, when the rubber hit the road and I was in established labour, then in transition and then pushing, I really don't think his presence made a difference to me. I probably wouldn't tell him that, but I think that's the ultimate reality of it. My focus was on getting my baby out and it was the women who gave me the encouragement to do so. DH just got upset, kept telling me he was sorry for my pain... Really lovely sweet stuff, but so unhelpful at that time.

I'm inclined to dismiss articles that overgeneralise, but in this case I think Odent has given us something positive to talk about... Guys shouldn't feel pressured to be at their childrens' births, and women shouldn't feel pressured to have them there.