Is your partner as well informed as you?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I love reading the birth stories on BB, they're all so beautiful But I've noticed a fairly common theme when people talk about their support people - generally partners.

So, we have a woman who is pregnant. She researches EVERYTHING and is determined to have an empowered birth experience, vaginal or caesar. She makes sure she is completely confident in her answers to professionals who threaten to induce her big baby, or cut her so she doesn't tear, or anything else that goes against her birth plan. *All of which is GREAT, I promise I'll get to the point*

She also decides to have her partner with her for support. The only thing is, while she's done all this research, has her partner? When she goes into labour, and its too late to Google things, is her partner as confident in the face of cascading interventions? Or is her partner more likely to be scared by the (sometimes) OTT warnings, and then become a support person for the doctors rather than the labouring woman?

I've noticed that a lot of women feel let down by their support person, because when they really NEEDED support, their support got intimidated. So my long awaited questions are - How important do you think it is for your support person/s to be as informed as you are? Do you think it would have made a difference in your birth experience if they were more informed?

[thepixie]

In my case the Bear was probably more well-researched than I was. I read books but he has a way of researching things within an inch of their lives so he was pretty on top of it all. It might have helped that his first wife was a doctor and they were together when she went through medical school and did her post-grad years in hospitals so he was pretty cluey about hospital procedures etc too. Also when I was a week overdue he prompted me to go and get some acupuncture (and researched to find a truly awesome acupuncturist) to try and induce labour or at least get things moving a bit so that even if I did need to be induced my body would be ready IYKWIM.
I have to say he was the most unbelievably awesome labour support and the only times I felt like I really wasn't coping or didn't know what was going on were when he left the room - once to get some food cause it was about 7pm and he hadn't eaten since breakfast and then after she was born he went with her to NICU.
I really don't know how I would have done it without him.

[AliB]

Great question Berenice and one I have been pondering lately.

My DP is a very 'supportive' 'support-person-to-be and really listens to and takes in anything I've told him.. but fact is, he hasn't read all the books, birth stories, online articles and threads, so although I imagine we're on the same wave length, we might not be when it comes to the crunch!

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

What a brilliant support for you Pixie - GO BEAR!!

Thats what I mean Ali, you can prepare yourself and be confident in yourself, but your support is another person! Do you think you'll give him some stuff to read, or just trust him to support you when you need it?

[AliB]

Do you think you'll give him some stuff to read, or just trust him to support you when you need it?

I am trying to get him to do some reading but he just falls asleep when he picks up a book!?!?! Usually because he's been so busy shopping, cooking, doing handyman stuff, etc so I can hardly rouse on him! Although I did seriously tell him on Saturday that I was getting concerned and wanted him to read the 'Birth Skills' book. [ He was about 10 mins into when we discovered that the gutter had backed up and water was filling the cellar and dripping through the bedroom ceiling, so there went the afternoon! ]

TBH I've been frequently surprised with how much he knows, I think he does google stuff while at work

Tenibear that's a good idea to test some 'what if's' in our birth plan.

[Snowy Love]

My DH only knew what I told him and what we got at antenatal classes. He read my birth plan & knew and accepted my wishes, but if something had gone pearshaped (and we were at a less supportive hospital) I don't know if he would have been able to advocate for me. He wouldn't read the books.

[*star*]

I have been pondering this a lot lately too, particularly as I found out some more information about my labour (which was long >24hrs, epidural towards end and resulted in a c-section, none of which I wanted).

I too had confidence that DH would support me and my decisions before my labour. I had stressed how I didn't want an epidural and was not comfortable with a c-section unless there was foetal distress. BUT he didn't know why and refused to read any of the literature. The only things he knew was what I had told him, and I don't think he really connected with the pregnancy at all. He said I went on about a lot of things he wasn't really interested in. Now, this doesn't sound like a loving supportive husband, but he really, really is. We tried the pink kit together, but he made fun of it and couldn't see the use of it all. This stuff just didn't interest him and the process of getting the baby here seemed trivial to him, as long as it got there (I have only just worked this out, as I am TTC#2 now).

He was very supportive during the first parts of the labour, walked with me, etc. But I think it all dragged on a bit long for him, especially when I found the pain of DD's head against my pelvis unbearable. I found that instead of him supporting me, I felt I wasn't getting the advice my brain that couldn't work all this out needed (partly midwives fault too). I vaguely remember him being involved with initiating the epidural discussion with the midwife. At the time I was happy to accept, I needed the break. But maybe I needed to be challenged that I could do this, and given some different positions to help?? As far as I currently know, noone was aware that DD was posterior until during the c-section (getting my records from hospital now to confirm this).

Now DH admitted to me recently that he brought up the c-section option when after 2 hours of pushing there was no progress. To him, I think he thought he was hleping me out. He really didn't know when he told me how angry this would make me feel. I currently feel very undermined and don't know where I stand with him. He is such a great partner and father, this doesn't change that, but it does make me question his value at the birth.

To be honest I had questioned this before labour, but was more concerned about him being queasy, and he was a little unsure himself. I read up about whether you should have your partner at the birth and came to the conclusion that I really wanted him there and that he would provide more help than hindrance. I also thought it would be a real positive and he would be glad he had been through it all when the point came for the baby to arrive and he would see how this labour produced something so beautiful.

This time around (although we aren't pg yet) I have said that he would not need to be present for the labour (and in my mind I currently prefer him not to be, perhaps until the pushing part where he can see an alternative to the c-section we had last time). He has said he wants to be there, but we have a while to discuss. One thing that I am definitely going to do is have a doula there who understands me and why I would like the things I stipulate. I feel comfortable that this time I won't be undermined.

DH is so uninformed that he thinks I must have another c-section, although I have told him that I will be doing everything I can to avoid that. I was told straight after birth that there was no reason I couldn't have a vaginal birth next time, but because he hasn't checked it out, he thinks that they were just trying to be nice to me-???!!

Sorry for the really long post, I know a fair bit isn't relevant, but it is a topic I had been thinking of posting myself sometime soon, and it has all just come tumbling out.

I guess, don't think that my story wouldn't happen with your DH (as I did when I'd read others)- DH is very loving, etc., and very capable and intelligent if he had WANTED to look into these things, but in the end it wasn't something important to him, certainly not as important as it was to me!

[Cherished]

I haven't had a bub yet I imagine my dh will be just as informed as me! I had to giggle about your google comment because I could imagine dh there with his laptop open googleing everything as it's happening Seriously though I think it is important for your support person to be informed because that is who the dr's will be listening to. I am confident that dh will stand up for whatever he believes and whatever I want, I also trust him to make the right decision for our wellbeing because he is really in tune with me and thinks clearly under pressure.

[Liviam]

Don't have time to respond now but will be back later.

[TeniBear]

I think it is important, but my DH isn't as informed as me. He knows a lot of the basic stuff - what I don't want, etc. - but a lot of it, he doesn't know why I want things a certain way. He just knows he has to go along with what I say I try to test him, too, with certain situations - "Okay, pretend I can't answer for some reason, and the doctor says they need your permission for an epidural. What do you do?!?"

He's pretty much on my side though, he knows I don't make big decisions lightly so in his eyes I must have done the research. And I have, I tend to get as much information as I can about things.

I've also typed up a very detailed version of my birth plan for him to read, with a lot of the "whys" answered. I try to get him to read books, and BB, but he's not much of a reader I'm confident he'll come through for me though. My mum on the other hand... I should get her reading, she's not able to be swayed as much by me as DH is...

[miss kris]

I am telling my partner everything lol much to his dismay! I give him the ins and outs of a ducks bum because i want whats right for me! (Plus i am scared of needles so would really love to avoid a c-sect if posible)

Also, he can come across very arrogant (though i see the soft side) so i am confident he will tell the docs to back up if need be.

Mind you im not even preg yet :P
Plus i like to watch him quirm hehehe

[Oorki Galoorki]

Michel Odent recently has said that Men(although it should be partners) shouldnt be in the room with a birthing woman simply because their support often(not always) is what a woman needs.
our partners hate seeing us in pain and if they are not sure about how to help or to encourage you then they can easily opt for the drugs on our behalf.. which may be what we do not want. They are simply trying to help.

I know with my DH in my first labour he was great but he was FREAKED out! he was my voice and when i was begging for an epidural and about to get one the nurses asked again and he said no for me! he knew i desperatly did not want one.I had sat down with him and went through the pros and cons of every thing in our birth plan he knew it as well as i did. but he didnt do the research.

with #2 he was so busy filling the pool that he didnt need to worry about me! he fed me, he kept me warm, he cuddled me and we had a nap together! he was who i rested on while our baby was born. He trusted me to know what i wanted and to do what i needed to achieve it, but i didnt have nurses or doctors to contend with either.

DH isnt the researcher in our family I am and he is happy to listen when i suggest things.. if he is un sure i will also show him the information on the otherside and he can make a choice to.. if it is different well then we discuss it until we BOTH feel comfortable.
But all women will do any thing and everything to have a healthy baby, therefor partners should trust the pg partner to make the right choice for the family..

[AngelPants]

wow this thread is a really good idea! DF definatey hasnt done ANY research i know of...
our 1st bub hasnt arrived yet but i am not sure of my DF's ability to be supportive when the time comes but he understands that all intervention is out of the question unless its an emergency, not sure how clear he is on the reasons why. he isnt very good at watching me in pain tho which is amusing ATM, being the clutz i am, so we will just have to see how he goes
BUT his mum is a midwife (and works at the hospital where we are birthing) and agrees with my plan as does my mum who is very proud of her own homebirths and both of them will be at the hospital and most likely be present in some way knowing them! so i hav 2 other ppl to bat for me if needed :P but he will be fine

[sushee]

I remember when I was pg to Charlie, I was seriously concerned about the fact that my DH wasn't the least bit interested in birth choices, options or anything like that. He went to an antenatal class, and to my horror, 95% of the women there were having elective c/s so the class was mainly about pain options and c/s aftercare! I though OMG he's not going to support me in my vaginal birth!

I remember talking to the other mods at the time. I thought he would let me down when the time came, I wanted to hire a doula.

But he and I had a massive blue about it when I suggested it. He wanted to be my support person. But when I asked him to read up, he refused. He wanted to do it on his terms, and no, he didn't want a 'stranger' there usurping his place, even though that's NOT what a doula does. I was worried, and upset and I felt like he was being unreasonable, but didn't want to anger him further.

You know what though?

He was a an amazing support person. He deferred to me. He listened to what I had to say during labour. He agreed with my decisions, because he believed in me. He supported me every single step of the way and made me feel empowered.

And he was right, he didn't have to read and research to be that person. He just had be supportive in the way I needed him to be. And he was.

So ladies, don't assume that because someone doesn't know all the ins and outs of something, it means they can't be supportive. They can be.

And if they're not, no amount of reading and research may have changed that anyway.

[thepixie]

And he was right, he didn't have to read and research to be that person. He just had be supportive in the way I needed him to be. And he was.

So ladies, don't assume that because someone doesn't know all the ins and outs of something, it means they can't be supportive. They can be.

And if they're not, no amount of reading and research may have changed that anyway.

:yeahthat:
Very well said Sushee!