This needs to be done.
On Sunday night, after meeting with my midwife and her telling me that she had to go away to Perth for two days starting that night, I was laying in bed putting Ewan to sleep when I felt a very weird gurgle, then a pop. It was my waters breaking, and I had to call tim into the room to get me a towel as I was too freaked out to move. The first thoughts that flashed through my head were "The midwife is gone." And "my waters have broken, now I am on a time limit." probably not the best way to start out labour but there I was.*
I called the midwifes husband who was slightly mortified to hear what was going on, and he gave me the number of the backup midwife. She agrees to come to my house and assess what was going on. No actual labour at this point, but i started wondering what I could do to bring it on. Wandering around the house seemed to help, and a few mild contractions started up. Back up midwife arrived and let me know that yes, I would be on a schedule now that my waters had *broken, if things weren't progressing by a certain time, then interventions and antibiotics would start to be discussed. Obviously they don't fit in very well with a hoped for home birth, so we were keen to get the show on the road. Lots of walking around started things off, and I was doing on when I hit a super tired spot around 10:30. Knowing hoe crap labouring was when you're tired, I decided to take the chance to rest up and went to sleep on the couch for an hour or so. Waking at midnight, my body seemed keen to get into it, and walking and standing were definitely the best help. Kneeling must have been too relaxing as contractions would stop every time.*
They started to come closer together, and I was having to focus a lot harder and "aaaaaaaaahhhh" through them. It was really encouraging and I welcomed each one, knowing it would help bring us closer to our baby inside the deadline.*
At about three they died down, and then Ewan woke up and started to freak, so I had to put him back to sleep. That took forever and things definitely stalled after that. so I decided to have another rest while I could, and grabbed another nap. By then everyone was up anyway and them midwife was due to come over soon. When she arrived I agreed to one internal exam, just because she thought perhaps a stretch and sweep might help us hurry things along without intervention. When she checked I was already 3cm and very "soft" - I couldn't even tell when she did the stretch and sweep as the cervix was already to flexible! this was really encouraging and made me feel like I'd been progressing in the night. She could feel baby's head although he hadnt totally dropped down she seemed to think it would be a matter of time once I dilated a little more.*
Ewan was picked up for the day by my friend, so we were able to get back to the task of getting things moving. With the threat of antibiotics looming, We thought we'd try nipple stimulation and this got things going again straight away. It was actually amazing, feeling these contractions coming, and welcoming each one positively as another step closer to baby. They were getting so intense, but they were never bigger than myself, never more than I could handle. Tim felt things were going so well that he called the midwife. When she arrived and watched me for a while, she felt so confident that birthing was imminent that she called the second midwife and Tim and her started preparing things in the background.*
I don't know if this made any difference or not, but around then my parents arrived. I felt things slow down straight away, until my dad left again, but they never picked up back to where they'd been before. So very disappointing. I changed rooms to get away from everyone and was able to bring on a few more contractions but nothing like before. I felt like I totally lost my rhythm.*
About 5:30 the midwife said she was going to insist on another internal to see how things were going, as the doctor they work in collaboration with was breathing down her neck and wanted to know ho things were progressing. By now this was starting to feel a bit nightmarish and very reminiscent of my first birth. And the result was the same - only just 4cm, baby still high, cervix felt very long. After all that work I'd been so sure we were close, it was so shattering to hear the almost exact same thing as the first time, "you're only at 4cm, things aren't progressing, baby's head is turned slightly oddly, and we need to go to the hospital."*
What choice we had by now felt like zero. It was almost 24 hours since my water had broken, and they wanted to start me on antibiotics and syntocin. Really upsetting to hear, but off we went. I did somehow manage to stay fairly calm, I just couldn't allow myself to consider that I might not progress, even with the drugs. What was wrong with my body, or my babies, that I can't seem to deliver them on my own?*
Arrived, had big stinking needle inserted into my arm, tried my best to remain cheerful even though it was the last place I wanted to be. they gave me the first dose of antibiotics and started me on the syntocin straight away. It wasn't long before *felt the contractions start to amp up, and immediately they were different to any I had felt before. Before long I was having to vocalize really loudly, and sitting on the fit ball became too much, I had to stand again. Assisted contractions differ from regular contractions because they are in fact not your body, they are something outside you and is working on you, and they become so much more difficult to get through. The midwife suggested I change my tactic to breathing through quietly rather than vocalizing too much, and to be honest by this point thats more that I needed, as I was having a difficult time coping. I had to have another internal at 10pm, *which I asked to not have to lay down because I couldn't imagine suffering through a contraction laying down. The midwife agreed and found I was 7cm, enough to keep everyone happy that I was progressing. still she amped up the syntocin even more. It sucked sucked sucked. Every one was agony and hurt and was bigger than me, and I struggled to hold onto myself through it all. Eventually I ended up on my knees due to pure exhaustion (standing through contractions for 24 hours will do that) and had a few with one knee raised - complete agony. I was begging for it to stop, wanting to rip the drip out of my arm, once contraction way from begging for a c section. Then the last one did the trick - baby finally turned that last little bit and wham- was engaged. Suddenly pushing was all on. Again totally different to pushing with Ewan. Intense, exhausting, barely any break between overwhelming surges. I was making the most horrible primal screams and groans, that goodness there were no other women on the ward. I felt every centimeter as he descended, and 15 minutes later, they told me his head was out. The relief when they finally pulled his body out was so intense that I yelled "oh my God that felt good!" and there was my boy, tiny and fresh.
Of course I was happy and relieved and so on, but I am still having a lot of trouble dealing with this birth. It felt horrible and traumatic in a way that Ewan's never did, out of my control. I felt cheated of my birth experience, what I felt I deserved, what I'd worked so hard for. Everyone tells me I was awesome and a champion, but I don't feel that way at all.*
First thank you for sharing your birth story xoxo
i really am sorry your birth didnt go to plan
but i agree with everyone else your an incrediable strong and amazing woman xoxox
and i hope soon the pain of being disappointed eases xoxo
You just described my labour, except I didn't have syntocin but I guess the gel they used for induction had the same effect. I so desperately wish she could have been born on her own terms. I also screamed the house down and felt every agonising moment, especially my cervix stretching and the passage out through the ring of fire. I never found a calm place at all.
You are an amazing woman, helly, because you endured that agony and you pushed through it! I know I wanted it over so badly, but we made it through to the other side. I hope you find the pride you should have in knowing that.
Oh Hun, you are absolutely not whiny!!!! You have every right to feel disappointed when things turned out so differently from how you'd planned. I'm so sorry it was such a traumatic experience for you and I think your incredibly brave and strong for getting thru it. Don't feel like u have to be ok with it all anytime soon. It took me months to deal with thomas' birth and his wasn't even nearly as traumatic. In the meantime, go bury your head in that beautiful little boys neck and suck in all his newborn loveliness. Huge hugs xxx
Firstly, congratulations on the arrival of Finn!!!
Secondly, you have every right to grieve the birth that didn't go the way you had hoped and it is not whiny. Talk it out, cry it out and grieve it out so that you can move on and heal, and realise too that it is early on in your healing journey.
Enjoy your babymoon hun and I hope Ewan is enjoying his little brother!!
Congratulations on the arrival of your baby And congratulations on your birth. I know you are disappointed and it didn't go the way you wanted it but you did an amazing awesome job and I am so impressed by you.
You and your baby did an amazing job despite the crapness of the treatment given to you guys, of that you can be so so proud.
I am so sorry that they traumatised you. It is such an intensely spiritual moment and we are so vulnerable in such a specific way and to have those kind of crazy hospital policies looming over your head must of been so so difficult
I just dont "get" the whole 24 hour rule there certainly needs to be more advocacy for change in that regard...but that is for another thread...
Just wanted to say that I am so thankful that you have shared this story with us. I found it really healing to write down my DD1s birth, I hope that it starts the process of healing for you too
(and BTW, CONGRATS on the arrival of your wee little man )
congratulations on the arrival of your little man!
I'm sorry things didn't go as you'd hoped I'm sorry you were put in a crappy situation - like Cassius says, you and your baby did wonderfully despite all that.
I hope writing this out helps you. And please don't feel whiny or whatever - you've every right to feel this way.
All the best to you and your family
Helly and Kuraiza, what is this calm place you speak of?? Seriously this is what I would like to find this time around but if it exsists, it's not anywhere I've even come close to. In all honesty, I have three natural labours and it's still hurt like hell and sent me into a panic, I wish I knew how to find that place.
I'm so very sorry this turned out how it did for you. I'm sorry it felt so out of control. For what it's worth, I really still feel you are awesome and a champion. Do you know why? Because even though I would love a homebirth, I am no where near confident enough to even attempt it. And if I had attempted one before and been transferred to hospital, I don't think I'd have the courage to try it again. To me THAT is the awesome part. That you did have to courage and confidence to go for it again. I think you are truly amazing.
I hope writing it all out has started the healing process for you. At least a small beginning. Take the time, feel what you feel.
Thank you for sharing your story. You brought a new life into this world. Your body grew a new person and then made way for his safe passage. You are an amazing birthing woman.
I will not tell you how to feel, but I will say I admire you.
Light a candle for yourself, and for the experience you lost. Grieve over those expectations. Give yourself time and space to heal.
Welcome to baby Finn. He was roared earthside with the strength of a lioness.
Thank you so much for sharing the story of Finn's arrival. I'm so sorry it didn't work out as you'd planned. I really hope that you can work through this and begin to heal...
And well done you, for emerging from a difficult circumstance and tough birth with grace. I'm sorry that control was taken from you, but admiring of your ability to get through it.
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Finn Rowan, birth story. Home birth transfer
you have every right to grieve the birth that didn't go the way you had hoped and it is not whiny. Talk it out, cry it out and grieve it out so that you can move on and heal, and realise too that it is early on in your healing journey.
And congratulations on your birth. I know you are disappointed and it didn't go the way you wanted it but you did an amazing awesome job and I am so impressed by you.
there certainly needs to be more advocacy for change in that regard...but that is for another thread...
)
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