Helly and Kuraiza, what is this calm place you speak of?? Seriously this is what I would like to find this time around but if it exsists, it's not anywhere I've even come close to. In all honesty, I have three natural labours and it's still hurt like hell and sent me into a panic, I wish I knew how to find that place.

I'm so very sorry this turned out how it did for you. I'm sorry it felt so out of control. For what it's worth, I really still feel you are awesome and a champion. Do you know why? Because even though I would love a homebirth, I am no where near confident enough to even attempt it. And if I had attempted one before and been transferred to hospital, I don't think I'd have the courage to try it again. To me THAT is the awesome part. That you did have to courage and confidence to go for it again. I think you are truly amazing.

I hope writing it all out has started the healing process for you. At least a small beginning. Take the time, feel what you feel.

Enjoy your newest little man.

xxx