Breastfeeding Cards

[boomba]

Wow! I'm so disappointed that as a society and as a sisterhood of Mums we cant just accept the gesture for what it is - a show of support for breastfeeding in public
I really cant see how the cards are
*acknowledgement that the mother is breastfeeding instead of formula feeding
* acknowledging a political statement being made
It's just what it is - a Mum celebrating another normalising breastfeeding. Why do we look for underlying issues that aren't there (the breast v bottle debate etc)

This thread actually really saddens me that we just can gracefully accept a bit of praise/well meant support/acknowledgement from a nice stranger. Seriously this just shows me what is wrong in society today, we cant just accept well meaning gestures without wondering/speculating/dissecting/interpreting the message.

I breastfeed in public and am emotionally comfortable to do so, and I appreciate that others are comfortable and supportive of it. Frankly I find it preferable not to, I struggle to get great attachment and feel physically uncomfortable as I prefer to sit in a nice supportive chair and use a breastfeeding pillow to position bubs perfectly, this is rarely possible out of my own little comfort zone. I do however feel confident breastfeeding in public as my baby needs to be fed, and if anyone said anything negative I'd stick up for myself and probably lecture them, but I am aware that some people will be judging me (not that it makes me stop), so being acknowledged for doing it would sit fine with me.

When breastfeeding my first, I wasn't as confident, so this type of acknowledgement would have grown my confidence much faster

We really are our own worst enemy aren't we - we carry on about Mums being judged all the time, and yet when acknowledgement is given we find issue with that as well - It's the old damned if you do, damned if you don't catch 22

Absolutely love this! I agree totally.
These cards have nothing to do with formula feeding it is saying good job mum as we all know how hard breastfeeding is and the stigma attached to feeding in public.
Sme women find it really hard to feed in public, yes they know its the best for their baby and their baby comes first but they cannot just over being shy, reserved or whatever reason to feed in public. So to be given a card would be a big confidence boost.
PICK personally prefer to smile and say good job than a card but each to their own .

[nothing2lose]

Misty, I think you make a good point. In handing out cards to women breastfeeding in public are we singing to the choir???? Maybe the "encouragement" is being misplaced?

Eutra - you don't need to explain anything to me. You are not the only one who has been sexually assaulted and subject to violence. I am thankful that I am confident and don't really care what anyone else thinks of my choices, etc. I understand that not everyone else is not as confident. Maybe the difference is I got angry at the people and I won't let their actions dictate how I live my life, especially when it comes to my DD.

[PumpkinZulu]

I breastfed in public loads, and really struggled for a while, because we needed a nipple shield, it was fiddly etc etc. I probably looked confident, but wasn't for a while. Just because I BF in public doesn't mean people supporting me were preaching to the choir.

[HotI]

Just because I BF in public doesn't mean people supporting me were preaching to the choir.

I agree. i have breastfed 2 kids, and (when they are younger) breastfeed most times/places that they need to feed but i don't always feel confident or comfortable. My son was not always an easy baby to feed, and my unease made feeds more difficult . i can feel vulnerable while feeding, physically and emotionally because it is not so easy to get away quickly and i am using my body to do something. As my daughter got older, i particularly felt more uncomfortable feeding not at home. At first, it was her choice, but later when she requested feeds when we were out i would ask her to wait. I am not ashamed of breastfeeding her, i just don't want to deal with other people's issues. If society was more supportive, i might be more comfortable in doing so...

Intellectually, i am a strong advocate for breastfeeding baby or toddler whenever, wherever, but personally i have not always found it that easy and while i would find it awkward to hand out one of these cards, i would appreciate receiving one.

[Rouge]

Beautifully said MummyNaomi!

[Caz_88]

I know not having a baby myself I probably dont have cause to add to this......

But I think it is a well intended message. I have a very close friend who to start with, truely struggled with breastfeeding in public. Although she wasnt up for those encouraging yet awkward conversations with strangers while we sat somewhere so she could feed..... I feel that there would be less awkwardness and embarrassment for her this way, but also allows strangers to encourage her, something she desperately needed during those early days.

I think the saddest thing I ever saw was an 60 odd year old male that berated her for "exposing herself" in public. I then told him, not quietly, that he was the one with issues. Breasts although now sexualised are biologically not for that purpose. They are not sex organs. They are ONLY for the rearing of offspring, a result of, but not part of, the sexual act. I think the majority of the problems is those who see the breast as sexual, and not much else.

I personally, dont see the harm in the cards. If you see it as weird or judging you for your choices.... its probably because you are confident in yourself and your choices and could just ignore it as a weird occurance. Alot of mums arent that confident, and with people like the idiotic male that berated my friend, maybe people with these cards could go to balance out the nasties that some women encounter on the BFing journeys

[e_p]

Well said MummyNaomi!

[misty]

I don't think anyone is arguing that these cards aren't 'well intended'. good intentions, don't always make things a good idea though.

also, just because I think it is weird and overzealous, doesn't mean I would take anything negative away from getting one - in Fact I would be bemused and dismissed of the card myself and be wondering at the motivations of the person handing it out (where they unconfident? did they struggle? are tthey a 'crusader'?). It would simly be beyond a waste of time giving me one. HOWEVER, obviously there are some people that do 'get it' and would think it suportive, so I dn't think it's a 'bad' idea as such either. ITMS.

I also think a few people here are reading way too much into peoples opinions on this topic - just because you might have polar opinions on the use of cards, does not mean that you have anything personal against that person. And just because someone disagrees doesn't mean you should go out of your way to look for something to take offense to. I think some people are letting their personal experience colour their perspective and it is having a rippling effect.

[Ginger]

i think it is thoughtful and cute. i would've been wrapped if someone had given me one of these when i was breastfeeding my boys. especially ds1 who wanted constant feeding, and i often felt like a full time jersey cow in public places. i never had any problem with anyone acknowledging that i was breastfeeding and encouraging me.

[~ Mylitta ~]

I'm super proud of my breastfeeding journey with all of my kids. I am proud that I feel confident enough to feed in public (even if I feel self-conscious while doing it at times). If at any time someone wants to give me a nice pat on the back, then go for it! It's always nice to get praise for doing something that you are proud of.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Look, yay, lots of people like the cards.

I do not. Because they are judging my parenting. And I DO NOT CARE that this is a positive judgement or encouragement. I think we shouldn't judge each others' parenting at all, unless it is coming into the "abuse" area. We should be supportive to ALL parents, not the ones who do the things we have cards to congratulate them on. OK, a "well done!" is nice, but I'm not doing my parenting gig for the gratification of strangers: the only person who I feel should comment on my parenting and what to continue, what to change is Liebling, who is the person my parenting affects. By all means offer advice, not "should"s, but don't judge. I love anecdotes and advice, some of which I put into practice, and some of which works for us.

I feel that positive judgements hide negative judgements, which is why I dislike it. I feel it is highlighting one aspect of parenting as being above all other aspects, which I also dislike. Just as I dislike people judging my competence at parenting based on my shoes.

I think giving cards rather than a smile or a kind word is also very weird.

So I'm pleased most people who received these cards liked them. For the reasons stated above, which are I feel are not off-topic, I would not like them.

[PumpkinZulu]

It's impossible not to pass judgements, negative or positive. So in the spirit of not passing positive judgements, would that be applied to things like congratulating a child on a simple achievement like potty training? Should we not pass positive judgements on all things that are natural, biological norms, even if they give the recipient encouragement and a sense of achievement? Not asking in an inflammatory way at all, cross my heart, in case my tone is not properly conveyed through text.

[nothing2lose]

I guess no matter what your personal position is, judging by the opinions in this thread, if you're going to hand out these cards, there's probably a 50 per cent chance the person is going to think you are either a creep, weird, judgmental, politicising breast feeding or making a big deal over something you shouldn't be making a big deal over.

The other 50 per cent will probably like it.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Don't worry, I can cope with a legit question!

I do judge all the time. Of course I do. I dislike things other people do and don't want to do them - that's a negative judgement. I may be moved to tell them that this doesn't work for us, we do something else. So I will give alternatives WITHOUT saying "you're doing it wrong" (the judgement part). I'm sure a lot of the advice and anecdotes that have been given to me have come from places of judgement, but not words of judgement.

I have positive judgements too and try not to vocalise them. So when Liebling moves up a reading group at school, my natural instinct is to give a positive judgement and leap around: he is doing what I want him to! Instead, I ask him how he feels: he is happy because there are new and exciting books on this level. Great, I say, I would love to hear him read new and exciting books. I buy into his happiness without verbally judging him for his achievement first. When he does a drawing, we talk about it. He doesn't need me to say "that's lovely, what is it?" - positive judgement but no interest. And it isn't easy, sometimes I do judge positively. But hearing and affirming his positive statements makes my son more confident and happy, so it is something I work on a lot.

So if I spoke (note SPOKE, not passed a note!) to a mother who was BFing in public, I may ask the age of her child, ask if she is supported in breastfeeding, how it's going. I may say that I fed Liebling for 16m and would like to go for longer with the next one. I may, when she speaks positively of the ideals of BFing, offer encouragement and support. But I do think "good for you" when the journey is hell and you WANT to give up, the "I know nothing of you but will judge you (even if that judgement is positive)" makes life hard. Maybe a conversation can help her remember why she's still feeding when it is hard. And there's no pressure on her that way, just support for a mother doing the best she can with what she has.

[PumpkinZulu]

I've read similar about parenting and children's achievements before...you know, not saying "you're so clever" or "good girl/job". I don't know if I could not do that, you know? I understand and even agree in part with the theory behind it, but I think it must have been societally ingrained in me to say it, because I certainly do, and often. Sorry, quite OT!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I agree, PZ, it is hard, and it is expected. And it was something I didn't really buy into when I first read about it. But I half-heartedly put it into practice, so some praise and some chatting, and Liebling responded best to chatting. He also responds quite well to praise, and not well to me losing it like a banshee. It took off from there. Then I put it into practice in the classroom, validation rather than empty praise, and it really worked. And saying "Thanks, I appreciate that" is different to saying "good boy/girl" - it allows that you have feelings that were considered and allows the other person to either acknowledge that their action made someone else's day better and that's a reward in itself, or feel upset they didn't get a gold star (or whatever). It brings about a more caring and empathic society - or that's the theory anyway, if everyone bought into it.

Now I'm trying it with adults and it works. DH has always hated positive judgement statements given "just because you should give praise"; although it has taken me years to see it, he's right. You do get better responses from people when your admiration and interest is seen to be genuine rather than judgemental and "I'm right". So today I told someone who was painting Liebling's school "wow, your painting is really neat" - he was out in the rain getting two colours perfectly straight with no tape to help. That isn't a "well done" but it is saying that I respect his work and skills, so to me is less patronising. He probably heard it as a "well done" and doesn't care, but that isn't my point!

And I will stop going OT now!

[~ Mylitta ~]

validation rather than empty praise, and it really worked. And saying "Thanks, I appreciate that" is different to saying "good boy/girl" - it allows that you have feelings that were considered and allows the other person to either acknowledge that their action made someone else's day better and that's a reward in itself, or feel upset they didn't get a gold star (or whatever). It brings about a more caring and empathic society - or that's the theory anyway, if everyone bought into it.

I have trouble seeing the difference between the validation of "Thanks, I appreciate that" and "from one mum to another thank you for breastfeeding in public and making it easier for other mums to do the same". I'm not trying to be smart or cause argument, I honestly don't see much difference. What was written on the card was (to me) is a more thorough "Thanks, I appreciate that". It's very possible that the person that gave out the card was also a breastfeeding Mum that finds it difficult to breastfeed in public, and that seeing other Mum's do it makes her feel more confident to do it as well.


I was also thinking about the whole "preaching to the choir" thing. One thing that I think the cards do is get people talking about breastfeeding in public. A Mum breastfeeds in public, gets given one of those cards, talks about it with her friends, maybe even posts about it on facebook/forum/other social media, which gets people talking about public breastfeeding. This chatter might make other Mums that are more self conscious about feeding in public feel less alone, and that in itself might make them more comfortable doing it herself.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Good point, Mylitta. I suppose I thank people when they have done something for me. When I feed my child, I'd expect a thank you from my child, not a stranger. I'm not BFing for the stranger's benefit and would feel put out that people would think I was.

So someone thanking me makes me think that they feel I am doing something for them, when in this case I am not. I feel that "from one mum to another" - wow, so you have to be a mum to appreciate BFing? Not a BFed baby? "thank you for making it easier for people to copy you (my paraphrasing there)" but I'm not doing that. I am not making it easier for another mother to copy me. I'm feeding my child, not making a statement, not sorting out life for other women. I don't like others putting intention to my actions that I do not want, let alone did not intend.

The motive behind these cards has been called "good intentions" - their intention may be good. But what is the road to hell paved with again?

And why can't you just talk to me if you did want to say something?

(ETA - the more I think about my thoughts behind this and really look at myself, I think what I am saying is "my mother twists everything to make it a statement about her, in a very simliar way to how this card has done. I dislike that about my mother and my relationship with her. I do not like a stranger using my mother's words to say that me BFing my child is actually about them and not me and my child." That doesn't mean my initial revulsion to the card is invalid, just that many people will thankfully not feel the same way as I do.)

edit again: need to say this but don't want to derail again:

"from one mum to another thank you for breastfeeding in public and making it easier for other mums to do the same" - Dislike. Random card that's poking your nose into something that is none of your business and implicates I'm making some sort of statement. Focuses on just one part of motherhood, denies me as a person outside of "mum" (and I am not, no way, now or never, a "mum" - my own personal hang-up but being called "mum" when Liebs was small would have resulted in mental health breakdown)... yeah, stated it all above.

"Mamma, thank you for feeding me" - like.
"Thank you for giving ME the confidence to feed in public" - like. That's not why I am feeding my child, but it is nice to help people.

And who knows: when I feed in public, maybe a scared mother hears someone having a go at me for it where I can't hear them (cos I'm scary, they don't do it in my hearing). So the card may make me think "great, let's feed everywhere now!" and in fact it's doing the opposite: how does the random card-giver know how my actions affect others?

And I am losing sleep over anger over this card now, not good!