Congrats Em on 4 months. I experienced flashbacks from my birth (which was traumatic) when i was feeding, especially at night and moreso if my partner was also close to me. It was horrible and sometimes i would have to push DH or DD (or both) away and just take a minute to regroup and be ok to keep going. I think my trigger was having too much skin contact that felt like it was forced on me rather than chosen itms. For awhile i hadto ask DH not to touch me while i was feeding, and also to let me know before he did touch me so i wasn't surprised by the touch.

Don't feel guilty, you are doing an awesome thing by breastfeeding even though you are experiencing this. You need to be able to feel ok about caring and cuddling and being close to bub for the long term, and so if you have to take a break to keep it comfortable for you, then do it because that will be good for both of you.

My DD does the 'nah, i want the other side' thing too. I don't know why but usually just go with the flow thinking maybe she knows better than me. Sometimes it can be the positioning if bub has a sore ear or arm and it hurts for that side to be down.