Hi, em,

it sounds like you are doing better than you know you are doing - it sounds like you have been through some tough times though. There is always so much to worry about when you have your first baby. It's a lifechange like know other, and the birth, ealry parenting, breastfeeding and a huge life adjustment just get rolled into one. would it help to think of other times in your life when things were tough and you got through it. I remember learing to ride a bike - terrified to go without the training wheels, even with my grandfather holding on. It just seemed so improbable - trying to balance that thing, and I never was co-ordinated.....Not helped because a few weeks I 'bit the dust" on gravel having my front (second tooth) broken in half and the gravel cleaned out of my knees under a general, but surprisingly, I got back ont he bike and kept riding.
A talk to a counsellor on the helpline I think would help enormously - talk it through, acknowledge the pain, disappointment and stress. It's hard, but you will get there, and over time the good outweights the bad until it just feels normal