I never expected this. What would you do?

[LizLemon]

Consider how she must feel having to even ask this of her future SIL? She must have some ultra conservative people who she knows will get highly offended and upset if she has decided that this is the avenue she has to resort to. Imagine how she would feel on her wedding day when she is trying to relax and be happy if instead she had to be on edge and nervous that people were getting upset or even possibly angry about something. I know as a bride I wouldn't want that and I would want to minimise the possibility of this happening. She has done that in a discreet and reasonably polite manner. She hasn't shouted it from the rooftops, she hasn't gotten angry or made a scene, she has simple made a request and outlined her reasons behind it.

This. We don't know - she may be in a really tricky spot and could be hating the fact that she has to send the message. Is she usually a troublemaker? If so then yeah ok I would get upset but if she is normally a pleasant person then it doesn't sound like she is doing it to be horrible or disrespectful.

While I don't agree with what she has asked, weddings can be hard enough as it is when you through two families together, perhaps she is trying to avert what she knows could lead to trouble. I would go and be as discreet as I could and know that you have done everything you can to keep the relationship intact. It's only one day after all. If she is just being an insensitive troublemaker then this will become evident in the near future anyway.

[Rivlas]

Before you do anything have a coffee with her and talk about how you and your DH feel.

If it's not coming from her then that's good and won't effect other occassions.

If it is coming from her them let her know that you will respect her wishes as much as you are able on her day but for other family occassions you will feed as you have been.

[PumpkinZulu]

I wouldn't go, simple. If my DH went (wouldn't stop him) I'd hope he'd make it clear why, in a non fuss, but matter of fact way. Psht, 9 months in my life and you're telling me when, where and how to feed my child? I don't think so.

[Floweryfields]

We've had lots of feeding mums at my church, some of them move to the back to feed (out of shyness more than anything), some feed where they are sitting and some have gone into the private room with big comfy chairs. No one has ever thought to say they weren't welcome to feed in church and the day anyone did would be the day I found a new church! God made boobs to feed babies afterall.

As for this case, a few things spring to mind - for one, if you are sitting in a crowded church, I would've thought it would be highly unlikely that anyone would notice (and the parents sit at the front anyway) that you are feeding.
As to covering up while feeding - I personally wouldn't have a problem with using a light wrap or silk myself.

[Calluna]

In response to the 'projecting' suggestion, I honestly don't think so. I thought about how I would approach a sensitive situation with someone I cared about and for a start it wouldn't be by email.
In addition I would let the other person know how I understood how what i was saying could make things difficult for them (empathy) and ultimately I would be super apologetic and acknowledge that for them to concede would be doing me a big favour, as opposed to the attitude of 'it's my day, so you should'.
I don't think 'it's nothing personal' really cuts it when you are hurting someone you care about, you let them know how much they are valued & how you don't want to upset them. The email lacked warmth that I would expect when dealing with a sensitive subject with someone I valued.

Thats a really good point about emailing, you're right, an email is not the way to do it. Maybe I need to re-read the message again. I just didnt get that impression the first time.

[Miss_Dee]

Ang, for a baby life IS about breastfeeding if that baby is breastfed.

Personally I'd be pretty annoyed at being asked not to feed my child and would very seriously consider not going.

[Artechim]

She hasn't even said not to BF - just to not do it in the church and discreetly any other time. If I had an 18 month old at a wedding I am sure that it wouldn't be an imposition to not feed during the ceremony.

Still not seeing the big deal, it is a very short time to refrain from feeding to help her keep the peace on one of the biggest days of her life. It is totally not worth stuffing up the future relationship over. There are worse things in life than someone politely asking you not to BF for half an hour.

[maybebaby2012]

Thats a really good point about calling, you're right, an email is not the way to do it. Maybe I need to re-read the message again. I just didnt get that impression the first time.

That's cool lovely, I don't expect everyone to perceive things the way that I do. I was just responding to the suggestion that I was projecting, or on my high horse or whatever by giving reasoned arguments instead of just getting stroppy.

[beansbeans!]

seriously? And over fb? Wow, thats special. I would call chat to her about it. Politely deny her request and explain that if anyone has an issue with it then they can talk to you about it at the wedding and you will educate them, explain to them your side of the story. They may be conservative but you should not be punished just in case you may or may not offend one person. And yes it could be one person, many people or no one.
And yes if you have a chat with her about it and she is still firm, then I would politely thank her for the invite and then decline saying you dont feel very comfortable or welcome attending.

[chody47]

As much as I don't agree with what they've asked either, I do feel that, like some others, this might be a time to go with the flow. You could let her know you're not happy but will respect her wishes for the day. It did seem that he asked in a nice manner. I say this as I had a similarish situation with my Dad after DD was born. I asked something of him that we felt was important. He refused as he didn't agree and, long story short, after lots of discussions where he wouldn't come around we no longer speak. I'm not saying it'll come to that in your situation, but just be aware that refusing a request on this sort of occasion could have long-term effects on the relationship. Make sure you are prepared for that.

Good luck!

[Calluna]

That's cool lovely, I don't expect everyone to perceive things the way that I do. I was just responding to the suggestion that I was projecting, or on my high horse or whatever by giving reasoned arguments instead of just getting stroppy.

I didnt mean it to come across like that, I project my feelings onto things all the time, its very easy to do. I didnt think you were on your high horse or anything. Not just you either, there were a few posts in a similar vein, thats why I said it.
Anyway, just wanted you to know Im coming from a place of friendliness, not snarkiness.

[sushee]

I know there are ladies here asking you to 'go with the flow', that it's one day, that family relations are worth more than breastfeeding, that it must have been difficult for your SIL.

I actually don't think any of those things should be your concern. Your child is your concern. Feeding your child is your concern. And I'm appalled with anyone who suggests you should be 'considerate' of your future SIL. What she has asked has caused you upset and discomfort, obviously, so what about you? Why do YOU suck it up to keep the peace? Coz you know what? It's likely a) no one would have noticed you were breastfeeding in church coz they would be looking at the bride and groom and b) if she didn't want you in the photos after the fact she could have decided not to publish/use them without making a point of it. And not a nice point of it either.

I'm sorry ladies but as far as I'm concerned, the bride is being the unreasonable one here. You can pretty it up any way you like but that's the bottom line. If you HONESTLY, GENUINELY believe that breastfeeding is nothing to be ashamed of, then there's nothing to be ashamed of in ANY circumstance. You don't get to have 'shades' of whether it's ok or not depending on circumstance. How it that any different to what Kochie said?

[Amy_jellybean]

She hasn't even said not to BF - just to not do it in the church and discreetly any other time. If I had an 18 month old at a wedding I am sure that it wouldn't be an imposition to not feed during the ceremony.

Still not seeing the big deal, it is a very short time to refrain from feeding to help her keep the peace on one of the biggest days of her life. It is totally not worth stuffing up the future relationship over. There are worse things in life than someone politely asking you not to BF for half an hour.

Completely agree with this.

[briggsy's girl]

" I feel that I should let you know in advance that my family are an older crowd and are quite conservative.
Based on this I have one request of you on my wedding day, which is a very special day for me and a lot of people very dear to me, that when you breast feed Isaiah that you please DO NOT do so inside the church or in any photos. In every other circumstance can you please use a shawl.
It is nothing personal. I fully respect your personal decisions, but on my special day I ask you respect my wishes."

reading this on it's merits - the OP has been discounted as unimportant in the life of the bride. she has prefaced it as a request, but then CAPITALISED the DO NOT feed in the church aspect. that's not a request. that's a demand. and a very impolite one at that. and EVERY other feeding to be done under a shawl? really?

those two things alone would have me not wanting to go! it's not a request to be discreet (which would pee me off anyway), it's a demand to hide away. it's an assumption that feeding an older child is somehow wrong. and the tone is disgraceful. if it's coming from someone else, then maybe BIL should have spoken to DH and said "hey, we're copping a bit of flack from x, can you give your wife the heads up that she may cop some fall out if she feeds Mr I in the church" or whatever - but it's a rudely worded demand of the OP to comply with what the bride believes is acceptable. If her day is so important to her that she wouldn't care how much she alienated her DF's family. if having her future BIL support his brother as they exchanged vows is so unimportant to her that she can be so damn abrupt and rude in a message, nup, i'd not go

chances are an 18 month old isn't really going to want to feed too often - but it might be a way to keep him quiet if bored in the church. if there are other kids, boob may not even enter into it at the reception until it's time to nap, in which case mum, by choice, may want to take him somewhere quiet anyway. however, BF isn't and shouldn't be, some dirty little secret that you are forced to hide away.

and no, i'm not projecting. i'm offering an opinion as asked
no one has been brave enough to tell me i'm not permitted to BF anywhere (wonder why? lol)

[Miss_Dee]

There are worse things in life than someone politely asking you not to BF for half an hour.

Like a screaming baby perhaps?

I don't know about other breastfed babies but mine doesn't wait. If she has to wait, she cries and gets more and more upset with each passing minute. On the few occasions Shoopy has been bottle fed she has escalated from giving "I'm hungry" signs to "**** I'M STARVING FEED ME BEFORE I DIE" crying within a couple of minutes. She normally doesn't have to wait cause it takes literally 5 seconds for me to unclip my bra and latch her on. Making her wait half an hour would be half an hour of screaming baby which draws far more attention than breastfeeding, not to mention it would actually be disruptive to the wedding.

[*Ang*]

I suspect that this bride felt uncomfortable and dare I even say it, bad enough having to ask, so that is why she did it by facebook. Judging by the reactions of a number of posters here I can see why she wouldn't want to bring it up in person.

And again, lets consider life in general - how many times are we asked to do things that we are not 100% happy with but we comply anyway - whether it be in a work, family, school or social situation? This is no different. Life doesn't always revolve around you.

Also remember this is not a newborn child here is who is fully dependant on it's mother's milk. This is now a toddler who if need be could in the church be given some other alternate food source - or the logical thing would be to feed him before going to the ceremony! Or is that too hard to ask? Perhaps that would be "putting you out" as well? Please note I am not necessarily directing all these comments to the OP but to the other "indignant" posters. And before you ask, yes I breastfed so totally understand all the practicalities that come along with it.

[Trillian]

If you hide away to feed this time you will be expected to hide away at the next family gathering and the next one and the next one and on it goes...
I would start the way you want to. PM her to tell her that you bought a new dress especially so that you could feed at the wedding and that you will decide how to feed based on your babies' needs as the day unfolds (if she has lots of annoying family needing to feed is a great excuse to duck off and hide for a while )

THIS!!! Sounds like her family have a whole heap of issues about breastfeeding in general and it will always be a problem at every single combined family event that you go to from here on in. So if it were me, I would just do what I always do. If you are worried that much about it, sit well away from her family in the church so if they saw you feed, they would have to be actively watching you and waiting for you to do it, which is just plain creepy Besides, I've been married and half the women at the wedding could have walked around with their tits out and I wouldn't have had a ****ing clue because the day is just so hectic that 99% of it passes in a blur. She wouldn't have a clue whether you even fed standing at the altar

[maybebaby2012]

I didnt mean it to come across like that, I project my feelings onto things all the time, its very easy to do. I didnt think you were on your high horse or anything. Not just you either, there were a few posts in a similar vein, thats why I said it.
Anyway, just wanted you to know Im coming from a place of friendliness, not snarkiness.

I didn't think you were snarking on me

I should have clarified, answering your question gave me the chance to explain my opinion in the face of the eye rolling and high horse comments, or those in a similar tone that suggested anyone not fine with this is a bit too high maintenance. I could have been all 'up yours' but then it's conversation over, I would rather explain, and explain again if necessary to at least give someone the chance to understand my position, even if they don't agree. I'm hormonal and sleepy so my first couple of responses were brief & lazy, you gave me reason to think specifically about what bothered me.