I had BFing problems with DD1, got completely stressed out, thought I was a hopeless mum and ended up expressing for two months instead. Now thinking I'm hopeless and useless is the major trigger for depression for me which luckily I've avoided for 10 years but it was getting to the stage where I thought that my mental health was at risk if I carried on tormenting myself about BFing.

So ... I'm just saying that as background as to why I'm trying NOT to stress about this and trying to stay relaxed which some people may construe as being blase. It's just my way of finding a balance between giving it my best shot and not sending myself bonkers.

OK, to business. DD2 is now 17 days old. At first she was doing reasonably well at BFing in hospital but just before my milk came in my boobs blew up like melons on Day 4/5 making it difficult for her to attach and as a result she went for a day, possibly longer without a decent feed (other than EBM). So she had lost the 10% on discharge. I wasn't TOO concerned at this stage as I know that's fairly common BUT the hospital was concerned as she was only 6lbs 11oz at birth so quite small (especially compared with Boofer DD1 who was 8lbs 10oz at birth).

Anyway, so I was a little dispirited that BFing was once again tricky but did a combo of BFing, EBMing and formula for the first week we were home. I was quite chuffed that BFing seemed to be working with longish feeds. Obviously not all of them or I wouldn't have had to express and give formula but there were three days where I thought the vast majority were good feeds.

Then another weigh-in and she had lost MORE weight at which I was upset and gobsmacked. In hindsight I think that maybe she wasn't swallowing properly, just sucking but her attachment always seemed to be good to me.

THe MCHN told me basically that I had to get weight on her and that she knew I desperately wanted to BF but it was more important at this stage to get weight on. Which I agreed with. So, having lost my confidence in being able to tell whether DD2 was actually feeding or not, I went back to EBM and formula.

Next weigh-in - phewee all round. She'd put on 80g in about three days. So I carried on doing that for another couple of days and now I'm trying again to put her on the boob.

The good news is that my supply is fine and that she does make an effort to feed. But I have a feeling again that she is not feeding properly. I can't really hear the big gulpy swallows that she has when taking a bottle - just tiny little clicks. My boob does feel emptier, I guess but I can still get a fair bit out when I express straight afterwards and DD will still take more milk afterwards from a bottle. If only their mouths and our boobs were transparent and I could really see what was going on.

I'm seeing a LC on Tuesday but I guess I just want some reassurance that having a break from the boob has not doomed me to failure and that with the right support, even though DD will be three weeks old, we can still make this work.