One of the mummas here on BB has a line in their signature that says something like "a bottle feeding mother is no less a mother than a tree with one less leaf - a mother's love goes much farther" and it's so very true.
And even mummas who have had oodles of milk can feel dreadfully guilty when that milk slows down, and stops... or guilty and rejected, when their baby starts weaning and just not wanting the boob any more.
But nutrition is simply one facet of what we provide our children, and you've done what you were able - and you've persisted when many would have given up.
We each do what we can with what we have and what we know, and we do it while we can.
Then we have to let go and move on to whatever comes next.
Your grief and sadness is understandable and valid. Let yourself be sad - but also let yourself be proud for what you have done, and then allow yourself to move on, to all the other things that you will do for this child.
I feel for you hun, I BF my daughter who had severe reflux, and in the end I had PND and was crying before and during every feed as she wouldn't stay on as had pain association with me, I was devastated to stop, but in the end she was losing weight and for both of us, stopping was the best thing to do. I had seen, lactation consultants,rung the ABA numerous times, seen midwives, mchn and doctors and still could not get her breastfeeding successfully. I cried and I even saw a counsellor about it because I was so upset. In the end you have to do what is best for you and your baby. Your baby has received the best start from you by getting your milk for this long. You have done a great job, please don't be hard on yourself.
oh, I really feel for you, after so much effort and still bubs won't breastfeed well.
I remember my firstborn who was a big baby. I'd had a pph after a c/section and the milk took til day 10 to come in. I hardly had any milk, tried everything, even a special teat which restricts the bottle flow etc and still he didn't want to stay on the boob. I combo fed and expressed and was totally wrung out. I think I stopped at 15 weeks and cried and cried. Most of my mum's gp all seemed to breastfeed well, some having loads of milk. I also hardly got anything from expressing. I felt that since I'd had a c/s that I hadn't really birthed my child and then to not be able to b.f, I felt like I'd failed as a mum. Just like birth, no experience is ever the same and it seems like that for b/feeding.
It's such an emotional and personal experience, yet you feel like you have to justify and explain to strangers, the lengths you've gone to, to b.f, when you're out with a bottle. I thought that I'd failed as a mum, until I had DS2 and he seemed to feed much better, attached well etc. I still never had loads of milk, but it made me realise that it wasn't necessarily me, it was my first baby with reflux who really struggled to get the hang of it. My experience with DS2 helped me to reconcile my efforts with DS1. But not before i cried long and hard with DS1. It's just not fair! Take time to grieve your loss and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You've put in a massive effort on all levels to make it work and you have not failed your baby. You sound like a great mum and bubs is lucky to have such a caring and loving mummy like you.
It sounds like you've had a really rough trot with both of your breastfeeding experiences - I'm so sorry to read that. Many mums find their expectations of breastfeeding are vastly different to the reality of it - we forget that breastfeeding is a learned skill, for both you and baby and quickly realise that for many mums, it doesn't just come naturally and sometimes things go wrong. Some things we can fix, some things we can't. But I do want to echo MadB - every little drop of breastmilk you have given your baby has been wonderful and you definitely have breastfed.
I hope you don't mind if I just mention a few more things... If you're sure that you you're ready to move one, please disregard the comments below
Please do contact the Australian Breastfeeding Association if you're willing to give it one last try - you mention that you couldn't get baby back onto the breast, have you heard of baby-led attachment? Babies are born with an instinct to find the breast and this instinct remains, quite strongly, until 12 weeks. I have seen it help babies up to 12 weeks of age get back to the breast, by allowing them to follow their instincts. I can give you more information on that if you are interested.
Also, you wrote that you were only able to express 40mL of milk - this is not an indication of your milk supply. Babies are far more efficient at extracting milk from the breast than breast pumps are. There are other ways to check your breast milk supply.
Whatever you decide, as peanutter so eloquently says, your feelings are valid and understandable - many mums find they experience grief at the end of the breastfeeding relationship, whether it has lasted 2 days or 2 years. Please be gentle with yourself as you move through this period, but do take it slowly, if you can, to prevent your breasts from becoming engorged.
I've been through that, "should I, shouldn't I give up" twice and it's absolutely horrendous and I know what you mean about torturing yourself - it was all I could think about for weeks. You really have had a rough trot and you really have put in a tremendous effort. Sometimes we have to remember what effort we've put in, not whether it 'worked' or not.
I was really afraid to call the ABA re DD1, partly because it was a complete saga and partly because I thought she would 'tell me off' for wanting to give up but the woman I spoke to was really nice and she gave me great advice. Basically, she said that the most important thing was the bond between me and my baby. If trying to breastfeed was interfering with that bond, then I should not feel guilty about 'giving up'. In DD1's case it WAS interfering. Expressing was taking away cuddle time and really, I just wanted to sit and hold her for hours at a time without thinking I should be expressing.
So I'd give them a call. I'm also going to share a little of my story incase some of it might also apply to you. I have very large nipples. I have babies with small mouths. I didn't know I had large nipples or that it could be a problem until I googled after having DD2. With both my babies, I couldn't really attach until around the 7-9 week mark. Attaching in the first few weeks was just impossible. No-one mentioned that as a possible reason, they just said 'keep trying' which is just not realistic if you are trying to attach 8 times per day for three weeks and it's not working.
I understand that you think your supply is a problem. As someone else said - maybe it is, maybe it's not. One option could be a supply line. I used one with DD2. I had given up breastfeeding at the three week mark (couldn't attach), so my milk dried up (completely). Tried again at nine weeks really out of curiosity - easy but I had no milk. So relactated but couldn't anywhere near a full supply.
So I used a supply line. You fill a bottle with expressed milk or formula and hang it around your neck and out of the bottle come two tiny tubes that you stick to your nipples. The baby sucks on your nipple and gets milk from the tubes/bottle and from your boob simultaneously. You have peace of mind of knowing and seeing how much they are drinking from the bottle and they have to suck to get it. So, in turn, they are learning to suck from your boob and that increases your supply without having to express. Even though I knew that she was getting much more formula than breastmilk, I really enjoyed the fact that she was feeding at my breast, albeit with tubes.
It's completely understandable if you don't want to try anything else - I've just thrown it in there incase it helps. It's awful to find things out down the track that you wished you'd known at the time. But as I said before, THE most important thing is the bond between you and your baby.
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