I can so relate to much of what you have written. I am going through attachment issues myself at the moment. It can be very demoralising that your breast can't make your baby content. Try to hold onto the fact that you are producing the milk with love (although it is frustrating) and it's your milk in the bottle that makes her content.
I found a website called Kellymom which talks about breast refusal and one point it made was that it isn't because they don't want to feed, or prefer the bottle it's simply they can't at this point. This made a difference to how I see DS. I was also having some negative thoughts about my bub until I read more about breast refusal.
I completely understand the feed cycle that you are on as it is identical to mine. It's hard to juggle everything and it's time consuming. If you look up one of my threads where I posted today I have written my new approach to the cycle which is a bit time saving.
I so understand the frustration of the pump. I feel shackled down by it and has impacted on my enjoyment of life which is normally to be out and about. A few weeks ago I actually threw the pump funnel and bottles across the floor and just cried. Somehow I have come to a place where I accept my current lot (although this might change). For me working out how to do the cycle hands free, double pumping and learning to bottle feed all at t he same time has really made a difference to how I feel.
I'm glad you have an appointment to get your bub looked at and I hope that this will produce improvement for you. Try to keep your chin up you are doing a fabulous job and many would have understandably moved on from trying to BF at this point.
It is a huge effort.
SOme things that may make it a weeny bit easier:
*don't sterilise after every feed, just once a day is enough unless your baby has a dodgy immune system or is very preemy
*after each pump put the pump parts, milk drips and all, in a zip-bag in the fridge until next time - no need to wash them except for once a day
Have you tried hand-expressing to make sure that the let down is there and she doesn't have to mangle you to get it to happen? Even take her off the boob, hand squirt until it comes again, and put her back on?
big hugs
Kate
Just thinking a bit more - to survive the next couple of weeks I think in your position I would only try attaching a couple of times a day. That way you hurt less! And save some time.
And in the slightly longer term I would take the "do what I have to to maintain some sort of supply while bub gets her act together" approach - express as much as I can stand to, attach a couple of times a day, and FF as needed to top up.
Then when she does work out attaching, or you work out what the issue is, it is possible to move to full time BF.
How are you doing?
You're no failure - what a dedicated mother you are! You're workign so hard and ought to be congratulated.
And it is still you giving her that drunken, content look. Don't downplay everything you're doing and giving her
Hi Mumof2Boys, wow it is amazing what you're doing. And I think it's great that you're expressing your anger. I too have felt a lot of anger at various things, like breastfeeding not going to plan (basically I'm on the verge of weaning too) four years of IVF/infertility to have a baby and an unplanned caesarian. Your daughter will love you and need you, no matter what.
I think switching to formula would be a completely sound decision for you. I know that doesn't help with your grief and anger, but please don't beat yourself up about this. Your baby's sucking is totally out of your control. You have done nothing wrong. And if you want to persist, if that feels right, then see how it goes.
I just hope that you take it easy on yourself and get a tiny bit of peace soon.
Best of luck,
WW
I'm sure you have tried this, but thought if you haven't might help?? Have you tried using a nipple shield?? I find my MCHN's have been so against them, but I BF my DS for 8months with no problems, and currently BF my DD nearly 5m with it. It may or may not work, but worth a try?? Goodluck
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