Nipples too sore, can't bf, getting depressed

[prama]

Just felt I needed to post this.

Bub was born 2 weeks early on the 14th of Feb, and it's been really tough. He had problems attaching and in the process, my nipples got really sore to the point that each time bub latched on, it was so painful that it made my cry.
At the end of the hospital stay, I was expressing to get milk, still very little at 20ml, and then topping up with formula. I could no longer have bub at my breast. When we left the hospital, the lactation consultant suggested trying a nipple shield.

The whole process at home was expressing every 3 hrs, taking 40mins, then feeding with breastmilk and then topping up with formula, then sterilising everything. Everything was so focused on feeding bub and I hardly had any sleep, most 1 hr, 1.5 hrs. DH was helping with the feeding but he was getting tired too. And my depression was getting to him. The whole problem is that my nipples are really sore and painful. Bub wasnt attaching properly and chomping on them. I thought it would be better and tried on Thursday with a nipple shield. At first it was good, bub was better at attaching so I was really happy. I tried again later in the day and it just got so painful that when bub latched on, it made me cry.
Anyway, constant expressing didnt increase my milk flow and having bub on was so painful. The whole process was really making me depressed. I was sinking into depression and resentment that he had come early. Seeing all the posts in my belly buddies about getting ready for bub, and the excitement and still having time to do stuff made me feel worse. I wasnt ready for bub, and I want/wanted time to myself. I feel cheated.
I went to the hospital for bub's follow up visit today and the lactation consultant was very worried that I was getting depressed. She said there's nothing wrong with switching to formula. She said that it's better for the baby to have formula than a mother who's depressed and that it's going to affect him.
She said we could try molitium (i think) to try to increase the prolactin levels to increase the milk. It's been reducing the last couple of days, probably because I've been dreading the pump more and more and the whole process was making me really tired and upset. I've been crying and crying so, my milk has been reducing too.
So anyway, we decided that I'll stop expressing for the next few days and put bub on formula. Early next week, we'll go see my GP and discuss getting molitium, the side-effects.
I just still feel guilty about not being able to bf and giving bub the best. But it's become so painful.. I still feel it's my fault. I feel upset and angry and resentful that I lost time to myself. I had plans and now everything's changed forever. I keep crying and telling DH it's not fair and that I cant do this feeding thing. Even when I went to hossy, and the midwife said I was 1cm dilated, I was like it can't be, I don't want to have bub yet, I'm not ready.
But as the lactation consultant said it's better to have formula than a depressed mother. I still havent developed a maternal feeling towards bub, I know this is a child that I have to look after, but I dont have that bond or attachment yet.

I hope someone can share their experience with me, I feel guilty for not being able to bf, and I feel guilty for not having a bond with my baby, I feel guilty for resenting the fact that he came early (not him tho) and I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel it's all my fault.
I feel horrid for feeling this way.

[~Belinda~]

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[prama]

Thanks so much Bindy. You made me feel better.
I guess I had really wonderful pregnancy, I really enjoyed it and didnt quite want it to end just yet. And I guess in a way it's all come crashing down, it's the hormones too...

I will try to get a good night's sleep. At least with formula you can sleep and someone else can do the feeding.

Thanks again, it means a lot to me. And I'm really glad everything worked out for you and Madeline. I know, formula isnt the end of the world, I was fed on formula too, and I turned out ok.
xoxoxoxxo

[Celsie]

I'm not going to repeat what Bindy has said, as her words are very wise indeed. But, I just wanted to say, it doesn't matter if you formula feed or breast feed, you're still going to raise, a happy, healthy baby who will thrive on your love!

Huge hugs!!!

Celsie. xoxox

[~Belinda~]

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[prama]

Thanks again.
A quick question. I'm not expressing today, should I do anything or just let the milk supply die down. I dont want to get mastitis....

[~Belinda~]

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[Zee]

OMG hun congrats on the birth of bubs!!!

Im not going to tell you not to breastfeed and formula feed vice versa but I just wanted to say I had the same problem as you and DD ended up being formula feed. She is a healthy 14 month old & while I would have liked to BF her I know the best decision I could at the time.

I hope BF does work out for you but if not dont feel guilty hun XX

[Lewis's Mummy]

Prama, I know how you feel, so hugs to you I also had a wonderful pregnancy and even though I knew life would be changed forever, the reality of it all hit me hard in hospital. The pressure from midwives, family and the wider community to breastfeed made me feel like a failure when I couldn't get it to work right away. Cracked, bleeding nipples and feeding all the time didn't feel good and when DS did go to sleep I freaked out everytime he stirred and wished like crazy that he wouldn't wake up because I dreaded feeding... that led to the guilt you know about. 10 weeks later things are getting better and I have a formula contingency plan for if I get a third bout of mastitis - because personal sanity and being happy and healthy mean I can look after my boy and that's so much more important than meeting anyone else's expectations and standards. My mum also reminded me that noone can make me feel guilty without my permission. Find what works for you - If breastfeeding is something really important to you, then do what you can to try and make it work, but remember that you are NOT a failure if you decide it's not for you. You carried this baby and brought him into the world - that's the start of a success story!

[monnie]

Prama...you ARE giving your baby the best!

You are way more than milk to your little one...you are love, comfort, cuddles, security, nurturing...and most importantly...you are mummy!

Hang in there...it will get sorted out, whether it's BF-ing or formula...

Just give yourself the break you need and know that it WILL BE OKAY!

[Arimeh]

Prama, the other ladies have written some wonderful posts, so I don't feel there is much to add. I personally hate all the bullsh$t pressure that is put upon us women to "give our children the best" meaning to breastfeed. Surely if we have a roof over our children's heads, blankets to keep them warm at night, a loving and affectionate home, and a full belly - then it shouldn't matter where the food comes from. Honey, I only fed DS for 2.5 days, and then switched to formula because I started HATING him for causing me such pain - pain that nobody ever told me about. Sure some people said, oh its not easy, but not one person ever told me it was PAINFUL. My son is thriving and I don't regret - not even for one damn second - the fact that I switched to formula. I fully believe that women should do what is best for themselves AND their baby - not what society "thinks" they should be doing.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing a GREAT job. Give yourself a lot of pats on the back for surviving the most difficult week (and a bit!) of your life!!! Take care

[prama]

thanks so much girls.... it does make a difference knowing someone else has gone thru the same.
lewis's mummy - how did you get back into bf?
linz - thanks! great belly shot.
celsie, monnie - thank you
Aricyn's mum - thats exactly what i thought, everyone talks abt how wonderful it is. no one told me the pain, sore and cracked nipples


my breasts are getting really painful fr not expressing, should I express a little to ease the pain?

[Barb Glare]

Hi,

It sounds like the last week or so have been very overwhelming for you. It's a tough time having a new baby, and especially when things have been going so well during the pregnancy, and then the feeding is not going so well.
the first rule is "feed the baby" Your little one needs to be fed, and it sounds as if breastfeeding was just so, so difficult for you. Would you want to share a bit about the birth with us? Coming 2 weeks ealy had thrown up a whole new set of challeges for you - it wouldn't have been the case (prob) if he was full term. But, you had no control over that. It is plain from your e-mail that you have done everything you can for your little one, including the decision to put him on formula. Guilt is such a wasted emotion. You have to know you are a great mum.
Breastfeeding often affords a little flexibility - if you want to give it another go, you could consider getting a thorough assessment from an independant LC. But, if in the morning, your heart tells you you have made the right decision, go with that. Time will reveal a lot about what happened with your little one. No-one can help the circumstances that surrounded his arrival
Look after yourself
Barb

[~Belinda~]

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[~Belinda~]

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[sushee]

prama,

it seems there are a few members who are here promoting FF (in a BFing support forum, where they wouldn't allow it if a BFer were saying the same in the FF forum) and I won't argue that sometimes it's an option. Esp if you're in pain, it's the easier option at that time, no doubt about it. But I hope in all the FF advocating in here, you don't miss the message that as hard as BFing is, a BFing relationship can be an incredible, wonderful thing. And while it's not about how much you love or don't love your baby, it's about an aspect of parenting that cannot be replicated by FFing. But everything has an opportunity cost, and you must weigh these out:

FF means no pain now
BFing means bearing the pain for a kind of relationship you don't get FFing.

I can't explain how wonderful that relationship is to someone who hasn't been there, but note the women who have BFed before who cannot now, they mourn so much. Or the ladies who BFed for a long time, they absolutely believe the pain is worth it.

So FFers, while we welcome your contributions, please don't discount what the encouragement and support the BFers have given in the BFing support thread.

[Arimeh]

Sushee, I'm sorry if I came across that way.. I really do apologise. I was just being supportive and putting across my story, so Prama wouldn't feel alone. I think the worst thing about being in pain with a new baby is that you do feel alone and that nobody can possibly understand what you are going through. I'm not against BF, I'm actually in awe of anyone who can do it, because it didn't work for me. I haven't made the decision whether or not to try to BF with this one, and I hope that if I do and I have struggles, then I can turn to BB and have some support (something I never had with the first struggle). I'm truly sorry if my post came across as anything against BF, I blame pregnancy brain for any wrong words, cos sometimes its hard to find the right words to express what I want to say.
Prama - good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[~Raven~]

Prama I have breastfed all three of my bubs.

My first I almost gave up because it hurt so much! They were cracked and bleeding. Mason spewed up blood after one feed.

I persevered simply because I had so much milk that it seemed a shame not to. I used nipple shields and expressed to both rest my nipples and myself so DH could feed bub and I could nap.
I do remember the toe curling and the shooting pain still quite vividly but I took it one day at a time and the soreness seemed to get less intense. I thought I'd try a feed without a shield and to my surprise it was quite comfortable. By about 4 weeks we had come through it and Mason was even helping himself on and off! Feeding was a very nice experience from then on and he fed till he was 12 months.

My second, Angus, was a natural and I had no problems with him at all.

My third was a repeat of my experience with Mason and I found myself ready to throw it in when I developed an ulcer from a crack on the base of my nipple.
It was agonising and I was in tears but drawing on the memories of my previous breastfeeding journey I persevered and again used nipple shields and expressed to rest my nipple and we came through the other side around 3 weeks and went on to have a wonderful 15 months of breastfeeding.

Why I'm telling you all this is to share with you that it's not all easy. Many have faced pain and hurdles and come through it because it is a very beautiful and rewarding time.
I have spoken to so many mothers IRL and they express regret that they didn't persevere. If only they had the support to encourage them to keep going rather than switch to formula when it got hard. Be it from their mother or friends because that is what they did. I know I had both my mum and mil telling me to "put Mason on the bottle". Maybe I stuck it out to shut up mil

I went to a tupperware party with my mothers group where I was the only one breastfeeding out of 5 and all of them said they wanted to but it was all too hard.

If breastfeeding is what you want to do then please by all means don't give up without trying everything you can. Express to keep up your supply and feed it to your bub rather than the formula. Contact the ABA for advice over the phone and hopefully a lactation consultant without delay.

If you want to do it then you can Keep the long term picture in your mind. It most definatley won't always be this hard. Don't forget you are still recovering from the birth and that in itself is hard enough!

And if you chose not to breastfeed your baby then that's alright too. Own your choice and be proud that you tried your best

ETA you posted while I was typing! No wonder you are feeling emotional. I honestly don't know why some go into the health care profession when they so lack compassion and caring. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling rested and better about the situation!