Thank you all for the encouragement, it really helps. The rest of the night was pretty awful and I kept feeling upset about it all (and didn't get much sleep between bottle feeding & expressing). I didn't even try to put him on during the night/morning. But you know you're not feeling great when you're sobbing away as you bottle feed and then realise that there's tears all over his little suit!!!

So today I rang my LC and she had a few suggestions, including giving him 40ml EBM to calm him a little before putting him on. She also suggested trying a bit of lansinoh under the shield and that helped heaps. The casual "flailing fist" was must less likely to knock it off. She also said to make sure we have lots of nice skin-to-skin snuggles. I realised that the last few days, all our contact has been trying to get on the BBs! No wonder he was starting to get antsy. She's also going to come out again, and is keen for me to massage under his little tongue & encourage tongue poke outs as much as possible for his little tongue tie.

So i tried again at 2pm on my own. And I GOT HIM ON!!! 16 mins on the left then 15 on the right. We had a bit of a leak on the left and I was thinking uh-oh bad attachment, but then managed to shift him a smidge and it righted! I focussed on getting him in good position, keeping relaxed, and moving my hand further down his shoulders (I think I was too much on his neck/head before). I also didn't worry about trying to hold his weight up at all, but just on trying to position us both well. Because he was WAY calmer after the 40ml, I found it much easier to do. He still was hungry after both sides, so we topped up with a smidge of EBM.

Next feed 5.20pm. Not quite as good, only 10 mins on the right and I don't think he got much (he was on & off). Gave him the bottle, felt ok.

Before the next feed we had big snuggles in bed, it was lovely. Then 9.15pm feed, tried to put him on straight away and he started to arc up. So we grabbed the 40ml EBM. Then, 25 mins on the left then 15 mins on the right. Cradle hold for both and put him down successfully with no follow-up EBM after the initial 40ml! YAY

Oh and best of all - every attachment was just me (all using the nipple shield BTW). No-one was holding a fist or helping me to get him on. So that was thrillingly self-sufficient. And I'm actually feeling ok about trying to put him on again tonight. Even if some feeds are better than others, I feel now that a few good feeds wasn't just a fluke.

I CAN do this.
I WILL do this.
I AM doing this!!!

Thank you all again - I'm sure this isn't the end of our BF'ing support needs & journey. The support is just a lifesaver
Belfie