I had a cs under ga ... and I although I do know how you are feeling, I have to say that I was able to make peace with mine. I really hope you get the support to make peace with yours too.

I just feel that in a world where we are being pulled and pushed into "natural" vs "medical" procedures, we are sometimes expecting too much and are extreamly dissapointed when things don't go as we planned.

My cs were an emergency and I were told that it's better to go under ga as if something went wrong, I'm already under and they can help me asap. I wanted the whole VB thing ... waters breaking, having labour pains, I even secretly wished I would have some MINIMAL tearing ... just to make it all more real, kwim?? I never got that chance, and never will. I developed HELLP and to safe my life, my ob took out my baby at 33 weeks with a classic c/s under ga. I saw my baby for the first time about 3 hours after the c/s on my DH's camara phone that he secretly snuck in (he was allowed to sit throught the cs) and held her for the first time the next moring at 10:15. I did not realised what happend, because it went so quickly. After about a month or two I was devestated by the fact that I did not get my VB, even more devestated when my ob told me he had to use the classic cut and that I would not be able to even have a VBAC. [ I even "forgot" about what he told me and tried pushing my luck this time around same answer though ]

Now I'm pregnant with my second child. I'm having my c/s done on 39 weeks ... if my ob does not think it fit sooner. I will not be allowed to go into labour, will not be allowed to be induced, will not be allowed anything connected with a VB. So in all honestly ... I'm hoping my waters break sometime during the night It's hard to swallow, but I'm ok. I can do this. I CAN bring two kids into the world without labour pains and still feel proud and motherly. I'm not ashamed about it ... if you can get a pin saying "I'm a CS mommy" I would wear it.

Don't get me wrong .. I'm all for VB, because it's what nature intended, BUT I would never look down on a woman who had a c/s .. to me that is also giving birth and should be treated with the same respect that VB mommies get.

oops - got a little feral there

So all I wanted to say was: YOU are wonderful, YOU are a woman and mother, YOU are allowed to feel disappionted, YOU are allowed to be mad ... but you also have to allow yourself to heal, to accept, to forgive.

Thinking of you