living with childs father but no longer in a relationship am i classed as single mum?

[Gigi]

i'm just starting this process (you get two weeks from when you get the form from CL) so i'm feelign quite pressured. THe form is so long, the running around to get support letters etc.

We live in a tiny unit, it's impossible to have separate rooms (he sleeps on the sofa in the lounge, i sleep in the bed at opposite end of unit), so we wouldn't have two separate bedrooms to show officials.

we don't have the physical space to have separate anything, we're so cramped where we live.

and because i'm on such a low income myself, he IS supporting me in some ways, e.g he pays all the rent. But i pay all the electricity and gas and childcare.

i'm so confused, the r.ship is so dead, so toxic, i feel trapped, can't get out without passing this form (can't get a bond unless i'm on a independent payment, and right now i'm classed as a defacto so my payment is tiny). i've wanted to leave for over three years, have nowhere to go. it's so chicken and egg. i have to be OUT of this place for two weeks, to qualify as "independent", but i have nowhere to be for two weeks (with my child) so i don't do it.

our finances are so muddled up, he refuses point blank to do a budget with me, we can't discuss anythign without fighting, so, so much gets "left unsaid" and we just randomly muddle through the bills, apart from the ones he tells me i HAVE to pay (childcare, utilities, groceries) which i struggle to pay for.

i worry my situation won't fit into the little neat boxes of CL and therefore i won't pass their form.

They automatically send the form to BOTH parties. My child's father has no idea i am thinking of leaving (we don't talk enough for that), he knows i'm very unhappy, but also knows i dn't have the means to go anywhere. it took alot of convincing to get CL to NOT send him the form.

i have to take it back in 13 days (got it yesterday) with as many letters of support as i can get.

Just explaining to each person, what CL need to hear from them, takes alot of time. it's ocmplicated.

the logistics of moving out, it will be like the first time i moved out of home as a teenager, having to start a household from scratch. most of the stuff i brought into the r'ship, has been replaced by things HE bought e.g fridge, washer, bed. My DD's bed is his, but i think i will take that anyway, she needs a bed to sleep in. God it feels so overwhelming.

[Lulu]

Gigi, I wonder if making an appt with the Social Worker at Clink would help. I know they have cut those services back alot but I think it's worth a try especially considering the whole background here. If it was me assessing this I would be fine (but I know you have been wanting out for a long time ) with granting it - but I would have flagged it to review at a later date. I found someone had done sep under one roof for 8 YEARS - and that's just not what it's for, hence the piles of paperwork.

Musekat - if you are sharing bank accounts with someone, you aren't properly separated.

[Gigi]

Lulu, i had an appointment with a CL social worker last year, to get the form filled out (cos i coudln't do it on my own) and they ended up telling me to "sleep on a friend's couch for two weeks", as they got to a stalemate with the forms too. There is so much info CL want in that form, that i don't have the data on (e.g stuff that bilby's dad won't discuss with me).

I'm trying again, with a community worker who is convinced she can get this form through for me, but she has never seen one before. (She had no idea there was a time limit on lodging it for example, i found that one out for myself on Friday afternoon. I only see this worker for two hours each week, i seriously doubt i will have the form done in the two week timeframe. It woudln't matter if i had two years to fill it out, there is financial info that i cannot get my hands on, that CL want to know. And some of the stuff they want to know, i honestly don't know the answer - due to the lack of budgetting/recordkeeping in the last few years. When i wsa in charge of our combined finances, i kept good records - easy to look that stuff up - but after i had bilby, i was incapable of budgetting for the first year (too ill, too sleep deprived, too PND etc) and by the time i was ready to take the reins again, bilby's father had decided having a budget was a dumb idea and woudln't co-operate about anything like that. His logic is that he doesn't earn enough to make a budget worth having. My argument is that regardless of a low income, by tracking and planning, we could use the money wiser than we would, with no budget. I lost the argument obviously. And was told "you are paying x y and z, no discussion".

i havne't helped my own case i suppose, by keeping zero records of all i spend on bilby. I suspect he thinks a few clothes etc don't cost much, but it all adds up.

we have separate bank accounts.

i'm hoping if i get seen as "separate" by CL, then for the first time in years, i will have money to put aside for the whole moving out scenario. the rental bond, the whitegoods, the basic of setting up a different living arrangement somewhere else, moving expenses, bonds for utilities in new place etc. Day to day life is unpleasant, i can see the toxic effects on bilby, i want to get us out ASAP, it's just so hard to actually see it happening, right now, so many "roadblocks" to actually moving out. well that's how it feels to me.

and once i have moved out, stuff like having no more internet - where i have gotten alot of support from places like belly belly, for the last few years - i will really miss that online community. I am not a drinker or a smoker, but i guess i've been pretty addicted to online community like this forum, facebook etc. Of course i will do without it, if it means a better life for bilbs, but gee i will miss all of you.

[Lulu]

i'm hoping if i get seen as "separate" by CL, then for the first time in years, i will have money to put aside for the whole moving out scenario. the rental bond, the whitegoods, the basic of setting up a different living arrangement somewhere else, moving expenses, bonds for utilities in new place etc. Day to day life is unpleasant, i can see the toxic effects on bilby, i want to get us out ASAP, it's just so hard to actually see it happening, right now, so many "roadblocks" to actually moving out. well that's how it feels to me.
.

Grrrr This scenario is entirely the reason the "sep under one roof" is there!!!!! Effectively Clink have given up through their own lack of understanding of legislation, lack of time etc and are pretty much telling you to technically move out so they can grant you single status, then you can go back. If you did do that - and you were caught out (or someone decided it ain't cricket even though you were advised to do this by THEM), you would be up the creek and face another mountain of paperwork at the very least.

Sometimes you can't fill in every box on those forms - FFS, this entire scenario is making me very ranty. All it takes it face to face contact with an experienced CSO in an office that could help you and back up your claim with fricken LEGISLATION and do their effing job. I can say that when I worked there years ago that was exactly what we would do. We had time to HELP people. I return from Mat leave 6 years ago to find massive massive staff cuts, no time for anyone let alone complex cases and everyone gets flicked to the call centre GGRAAAAGHHH.

You might have to push them harder. PM me if I can help with these effing forms.

I'm going to have a cup of tea and a lie down now....xoxoxo