11 yr old argues with everything i say.

[JBM]

thank you so much guys, i was just so frustrated when i wrote that. boys. yes they are at an awkward stage and he always has been a very head strong child.
DH spends time with DS 1 every second sat for 4 hrs, he takes turns with him and DS2 every sat, DS3 is still happy to be with me. DS1 is so good when he is alone with just one of us, he is like a different child but the thing is we can't always do this.
i will try some of your suggestions and even look at getting that book, maybe it might help.

thank you so much.

[fourthontheway]

Keep us posted

[JBM]

just when i thought i'd have to go and jump of the nearest bridge, that by the way has no water in the river below it, LOL, there has been a repreive. only small but a step forward.
DS1 and i did some exersise yesterday, walked for 30 mins, just us and it seemed to make him happy for the day. he was much less annoying to his brothers and was less arguementative than usuall too.
i mean it wasn't all gone, that would be a miracle but we had a good day.

as for the whole school thing i have made a deal with him if he takes sangas for 4 days then he can have a roll up, with ham and chesse on fridays. he seemed ok with this.


fingers crossed.

i know this boy won't be here for long but i am hopefull of some more days with this DS1 ( nice boy)
and not that DS1 ( horror child)

thanks again. will keep you posted.

[JBM]

well we knew it wouldn't last long.
DS1 got up this morning, nice as pie to me and then just went into the other room and i heard this thump, then DS3 came in crying to me. i heard everything and DS1 just did it because he is bigger, no other reason. ARGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
so i made him miss out on his turn to get a reward today and gave it to his little brother.

i don't know if this made things better, DS1 was chucking a tanty then, tears and everything.

seriously why does he have days like this?

just needed to vent.

[KimB]

OMG i read this and this could be my house lol. Huge hugs to you JBM as I soooooo know what you are going through. My DS1 is 11 and knows everything and can't be told what to do and rebels against everyone. He also has the screaming matches and the lying about doing stuff. AAARrrrrrrggggghhhhh as if motherhood wasn't hard enough!!!!!! My DS1 is a very active boy to and I know when he comes home from school whether he has eaten lunch or not by his attitude. If he is all over the place I get him to eat first then talk to me. He also shares a room with his younger brother who is 9. He also keeps him awake by talking half the night.

Unfortunately he has an older sister who is causing problems and he has decided that if she can do things then so can he. We are really trying to get him out of this habit quick smart (learning as we go along lol)

Well good luck to all of us and may we stay sane enough to cope with the others that come after

[kawazuki]

JBM i could of written this post about my DS he is 10.
and horrible soem days.
just treats us like crap, argues with everything.
i will say wow what a nice day lets go play footy, his response" nope is horrible outside, i dont even like footy"

thsi is a kid who had a bedroom painted in roosters team colours and every roosters item you could imagine lol

no tips as im struggling as well.

just hugs and support saying all is going to work out.

[deletedit]

Hehe I've been having nonsensical arguments with mine for almost 9 years (she was an extremely early talker). And as to the lunch? She makes her own, still complains about it and then when we buy her the ingredients she wants she doesn't eat them and STILL complains, and then we get into a big argument because we've bought her exactly what she has been whining she wants and she doesn't want them the instant we get them. You can't win.

And I too am a horrible mother for not buying crisps and lollies by the kilo. Fruit is not food, everyone knows that

[BellyBelly]

Parent Effectiveness Training is brilliant for families, I definitely recommend the book (which we have in the BB online store) or the course which is great to share experiences. We have so many less problems here since PET, and lots more love and understanding.

Here's from their blog which may help a little.

Parent Effectiveness Training: The Blog: arguing with kids

JAN 7, 2009

The Best Relationships Lack Compromise
Does this sound familiar?

"I'm not eating those."
"Oh, yes you are!"

How about this?

"I need to talk to you about something."
"Can't you just leave me alone for one second!?"

These types of conflicts occur often. When we have what seem like irreconcilable needs, in order to move forward, it seems that often one party ends up fulfilling their needs at the expense of the other’s.

"Compromise" is a word often tossed around in these situations. We have all heard the conventional wisdom that every good relationship is based on compromise. All of us have been told at one time or another that we need to compromise.

When we hear “compromise” though, it usually signals to us that we are going to have to give up something that we want for the greater good of the relationship. The attitude/mindset of both parties is still usually one of Win-Lose; each has concerns about losing and being sure they get most of what they want—their solutions.

Compromise means that one or both parties will forfeit one or more of their needs so that everyone can get along.

A compromise for our quarrels above might look like this:

Example 1:

"I don't want to eat my broccoli; it makes me gag!"
"You need your vegetables. Now just take 5 bites!"

Example 2:

"Fine, I guess I’ll wait on you; just let me know when you feel like talking."

In the first example, the child does not get his needs met. He may submit and eat his broccoli, which could leave him feeling powerless, frustrated, perhaps resentful, or he may try a fight or flight response. In any of these situations, harm is done to the relationship. The parent has sent the message to her child that her own needs take precedence over his.

In the second example, one person has completely submitted and sacrificed their needs for another. This person has put his or her own needs on the back burner, which will likely be frustrating and again may lead to feelings of anger and resentment.

P.E.T. offers us an alternative to compromising, called Method III. Instead of putting ourselves through the frustration of not having our needs met through compromise, or feeling like we have to battle our loved ones in a “my needs vs. your needs” battle, we can clearly state our needs and then discuss and reach a solution that meets everyone's needs. In essence, everyone gets what they want.

We will be discussing the six steps of Method III conflict resolution in more detail in an upcoming post. Until then, please feel free to leave comments about your experiences with compromise, how it made you feel, the effect it has had on your relationships, or anything else!




JUN 2, 2010

What is Unacceptable to You?

When You Own the Problem

Being in relationships with other people--parents, sisters, brothers, friends--inevitably means that at times their behavior will be unacceptable to you because it interferes with you getting your needs met, prevents you from enjoying your life or makes you angry.

You want to use skills that will be effective in bringing about a change in the other person's behavior and yet not hurt the relationship. Your task then is to tell the other person that you need his or her help. You want to be honest, but you want to do it in such a way that your message doesn't make the other person feel put-down, hurt, angry or unwilling to change the behavior that is giving you a problem. Unfortunately, most people find it is not easy to do this. Here are some of the reasons:
We are often afraid to confront others in the first place because we fear dealing with their feelings afterward.
We are upset or even angry and don't want the other person to know it.
We fear getting into an argument or conflict.
We are afraid we will make the other person embarrassed, sorry or even guilty.
Here are things to consider when the behavior of others is unacceptable and causes you a problem:
Their behavior which effects you is simply a sign that they are trying to get some need of their own met.
They have as much right to get their needs met as you do yours.
They often don't even know their behavior is causing you a problem. So, if you want to solve your problem you must tell them.*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

JAN 28, 2009

Conflict: An Opportunity for Your Relationship to Grow!

Conflict is a disagreement, a clash, a quarrel, a fight between two or more people--family members, friends, coworkers and the like. It's the moment of truth in a relationship; a test of its health; a crisis that can weaken or strengthen it.

Conflicts can push people away from each other or pull them closer together. Whether it occurs at home, at school, at work, or elsewhere, most people hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. They pretend nothing is wrong.

They do this because in their experience most conflicts end with someone winning and someone losing or both losing. People end up distant from each other. Sometimes they end up hating each other, or worse, physically hurting each other.

Few people accept that conflict is a natural part of life and not necessarily bad. Actually, it would be a rare relationship in which one person's needs did not conflict with the other's over a period of time. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently and have needs and wants that sometimes don't match.

Conflicts can be about friends, spouses, coworkers, chores, money, etc.

Conflict in a family, with friends, with spouses, coworkers, etc., openly expressed and accepted as natural and inevitable, can be far healthier than most people think. It can be useful in identifying problems which need to be solved. And it can bring about constructive changes in relationships.

Probably the most important factor in any relationship is how conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur. How they get resolved determines to a great extent whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, friendly or unfriendly, intimate or cold, deep or shallow.

Last week, we examined compromise as one way of resolving a conflict, and the damages it can do to a relationship when one person wins and the other person loses. Next week, we will examine how to resolve conflicts so that our relationships can grow stronger.

[littlelara]

Your posts make me wonder what I'm going to be in for.
Missy is 4 and already complaining that I don't make nice lunches like the other kids get.
She's in KINDY, for heaven's sake, and I point blank refuse to add packets of chips to a kindy lunch.
It's not like she'd ever get them at home, or probably even knew they existed before now.