Bit of background...a few of you may know the issues mum was having with my 13YO sister; well she has been living with me for about 3 months now and started off great but she is falling into old ways...this was meant to be her "fresh start"
Have busted her smoking a couple of times and asked her not to (once nicely the second time i was p*****d) a) its a disgusting habit (no offence to any smokers) & b) we arent allowed to smoke in our house, we will get evicted for it...both of which i explained to her but apparently she doesnt give two hoots.
Today i get a txt from the school saying you student is absent please reply with a reson for your student...so i call her and she tells me she's in english and she was late to school so its saying she is absent (we live about 100m from school and shes late ) so i call the school back and tell them what A has told me and ask them to check if she's actually in class...get a call back, no shes not in class & she wagged her last 2 classes yesterday.
Called A and asked where she was "at school!!" then one of her genius friends put on a 'teachers voice' and tried to yell at her saying he will send her out of class...so i say WHERE ARE YOU?! Im at the park she says. I said well get your *** to school im not even kidding. Yep no worries.
I knew she wasnt outside i could hear echos; so i quickly drove home parked down the street and what do i find, our house door wide open. Walk in and i hear people frantically moving around run to her bedroom and 2 boys are doing a dash out the window, 2 girls are confused and dont know what to do & the house STINKS of smoke! I kick the girls out, one of them i know so i scream at her and tell her she's not welcome here anymore then i see the boys running down the road and scream at them...
and then it starts..i cant breathe. Hand on my chest trying to take deep breaths & nothing. I ran to my bathroom and i could see the look in As face she panicked & started apologising over and over she followed me to tha bathroom and was trying to help but all i could say was eff off i cant even look at you..slammed the door in her face and she started crying. The i started to breath easy again opened the door and said get your uniform on im dropping you off at school. She flushes the tabacco & promises it wont happen again...
Still saying sorry i said sorry means nothing to me, i hear it on a daily basis from you A...then on the way to school she says i know this means nothing but i swear on my life this will never happen again. I mentioned she may want to consider the people she surrounds herself with as they are leading her down the wrong path & she agrees...for now!!
I get to school take her to the office and say to the lady there heres A and gave her the names of the 4 other students who were at MY HOUSE (!!!) and she mentions that they have been looking for them...
Am going to see what the school does to them and then im making A show me EXACTLY where each one of them lives & am talking to their parents! I dont need this stress especially given my situation at the moment...
I dont know if this is a vent or asking for help. I've asked before and had some great responses...arg i just dont know what to do with her...
I'm hoping seeing you like that was enough to scare the crap out of her & she will snap out of it...at least a little bit.
Good luck. Take care of yourself xx
How old is she? My SIL went through a hard time at 15. Smoking, stealing. She's way over them both now. I think the smoking is only avoided at the moment coz she's sick of DH & I trying to push her into having one when we are with her, lol.
The stealing...well, not a nice story. MIL did alot to try & stop it, one night she took $50 out of BIL's wallet, lied & called MIL a b*tch...well MiL saw red..back handed her knocking her over the coffee table. Very rude awakening...She hasn't done it since though.
My sister got picked up by the police at 16 or 17 for shoplifting an eye liner. Rang me & asked me to pretend to be mum when they couldn't get hold of her. Told her, no, sorry. This is something you need to take the consequences for.
Maybe now you know all the adresses of the other kids, next time you get a message from the school you could call the truency officer yourself & give them the addresses & let them deal with them?? I don't know much about that or who you contact though.
As for smoking. I know people who've sat their kids down & made them chain smoke til they were sick. Not nice, but worked for the ones I know. Just did the 'well your a grown up now' thing & treated them like a grown up.
don't know that I'd try the smoking thing personally, but these are things I know have been done.
I couldnt make her chain smoke. Just doesnt seem like i path i'd personally want to go down. She was pretty traumatised seeing me like that tho i think. She didnt even hesitate when i said she'd have to give me nams of all the kids that were there. She told the lady at the school everything too.
They have her on in school suspension, they suspended her out of school last week and i asked them not to as she'd be home alone for 4 days coz me & DP work full time, they didnt listen. Now thank god they did!!
Will wait and see how she goes tonight see how she behaves over the next week or two that will be a huge indicator.
i have a 13 nearly 14 yo dd. and its bloody hard work! Even with my studying to be a secondary teacher and KNOWING that her frontal lobe of her brain is still developing - the part of her brain that enables her to make reasonable decisions and be rational - she still drives me to distraction. Sometimes I look at her and wonder where my beautiful daughter has gone! A big thing that I do in my house is actions have consequences. if she misbehaves she loses priviledges - not using the computer, not being able to socialise with her friends, taking her music off her etc. And when she speaks to me disrespectfully, i take her mobile phone off her saying to her if she can't communicate with me respectfully, then she can't communicate with anyone.
The fact that you ended up having an anxiety attack because of HER behaviour is not ok. and she needs to know this. you having an anxiety attack was a consequence of HER behaviour. You are pregnant, and dont need the stress of worrying about what she is or isnt doing.
Does she have responsibilites at home? things that she HAS to do? Like the dishes, take the washing off the line, fold it up etc? Privledges are earnt - not just a given. Just like in the real world when she has to be responsible for herself her actions are going to have consequences.
This age is so difficult - they are niether a child or an adult, but in the horrible place of limbo where they oscilate between the two. Its frustrating and painful being the adult, as you watch them potentially self destruct. The other suggestion is to get her involved in something that has rules and boundaries. my DD is involved with emergency services cadets. It was something she wanted to do and I was all for it.
Something else I have done is placed women in her life, who I respect and know that they will be a good influence with her, that she can speak to when she is so angry at me she doesnt want to talk to me. One of these women is closer in age to her then she is to me (ten years older then dd).
The other thing I would suggest is sit down with her quietly - not the heavy conversation, or even do it while your driving somewhere, or go and have lunch together, and explain that her behaviour is having a profound affect on your health, and that being pregnant it can have devasting consequences. talk about the positive things about having her living with you (and I know right now you will probably have to dig deep to find some!)
Speak to other women who have teenage girls, find out what works for them. surround yourself with people that are going to champion you on. I also recommend several great books that I have found helpful for me, and my dd. Princess *****face Syndrome by Michael Carr-Gregg, Girl Stuff by Kaz Cooke, Surviving Adolescence by Michael Carr - gregg - and another one Celebrating Girls and Embracing Persephone by Virginia Beane Ruter. Look for information hun.
And all of this experience is going to help you as you navigate your way through the minefield of teenagehood with your little one. and when your little one turns 13 - you can send her to be with her aunty!!
She doesnt have set responsibilities at the house but if i ask her to do something she will do it; after our screaming matches i do tend to go into her room and just talk with her about how she is behaving! Most of the time its so hard to get anything other then "i dont know" out of her
If i take her phone she doesnt care, she has no credit & it means i cant get in contact with her when i need to. I found the real items she cares about is her make up..i took that and didnt all hell break loose!!
Mum called & spoke to her last night about it so i want to call mum and see what she said. She wrote me an apology note (which she has done with mum numerous times) and asked me to reply so i think i might do that. I just hope this has been a huge wake up call for her!
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First Panic Attack...EVER!!!
) so i call the school back and tell them what A has told me and ask them to check if she's actually in class...get a call back, no shes not in class & she wagged her last 2 classes yesterday.
I'm hoping seeing you like that was enough to scare the crap out of her & she will snap out of it...at least a little bit.
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