Carers being overly positive about DS????

[~Kaz~]

I hope this is in the right section. I feel a bit weird about how DS's CC staff talk about him when I pick him up. He's been going to this centre since March last year. He's in the 0-2 room and about to 'graduate' to the 2-3 room in March. I have been really happy with the care and the centre as a whole and there haven't been any real issues at all.

This year two of the three regular staff in his room changed. No drama. The centre re-opened on the 18th Jan. He is there 3-4 days a week at this stage. Nearly every day so far (about 8 in total) the two new staff just rave about how great he is when I pick him up.

i.e.: "he's such a gorgeous little boy" "you must get such pleasure from him", "he is such a delight to look after", "he is so good", "he's very easy", blah blah blah and so on. I've had the easy comment about 4 times. I have started questioning what they mean. Apparently because he "plays well, eats well, sleeps" and "when we ask him something he knows exactly what we mean" and "he follows directions" he is "easy". Isn't that normal for a nearly 2 year old? He is probably the oldest in the room so of course he is going to be doing those things. Right?

Don't get me wrong. On one level it is great that they find him 'easy' and it's nice to hear positive things about your child. But they go. over. the. top. Seriously. It's doing my head in because DS is anything but easy at home. He is a great little kid in lots of ways and I love him to bits but he is also a normal nearly-two-year old who is very active and doesn't like to be told 'no'. We have our moments every day and sometimes the whole day is a 'moment' lol! They looked at me like I'd grown another head when I asked them if he had ever thrown a tantrum in care. I have tried to point out a more balanced view of him, that he is probably putting his best foot forward outside the home when mummy isn't there but that at home he can be quite challenging at times. People in my private life, family etc have all commented that he is not easy. That he does turn it on a bit more when I'm in the room. I'm working on him waiting short periods for things. On accepting no, not now, later. etc.

This thread probably sounds really silly. And maybe I'm over-reacting and on some level I AM sick of hearing how 'easy' he is for them when he is anything but for me. When I told one of them that he still doesn't sleep through the night she nearly fell over in shock. As a child care worker (for 22 years she told me today) surely she has seen kids like DS before? They act like they want to kidnap him or something. And like I'm being too hard on him for pointing out he is normal. His regular carer from last year told me last week they were all talking about how they don't want him to move into the next room (even though he is more than ready and just waiting on his birthday) because of how "easy" he is. I didn't get this from his carers last year. It just seems a little over the top to me. And, as they pointed out and I well know, he understands everything going on around him and he remembers stuff from days and days ago. So isn't it a bit inappropriate that they keep singing his praises in front of him and the other kids? I don't want him to feel better than the other kids. I think they are seeing one side and idealising him. He is normal and he has bad days just like the rest of us.

So, opinion please. Am I over reacting? Should I express my concerns to them? Should I just smile and nod and agree with them, instead of trying to convince them? I don't want to make a fuss about this if it is just these two particular staff who go over the top about him. He'll have new carers in March (one from last year) so perhaps I should wait and see if it continues in the new room? He'll be the youngest then and won't look so 'easy' when they're still changing his nappy while the others a toilet trained lol!!!

Thanks for reading. It helped to write it out and think about it.

btw, I can hear him grumbling in his bed now. He's only been down 2 hours and so it goes. Where is over-the-top carer now huh? He's just started crying.......

[Olive]

my thought on this hun is that people/kids always lash out at those they feel most comfortable with, in that case its you!!

DD is the same, shes pretty good but boy we have some moments and i maintain the above thought... she seems to make life harder for me the most because im her main caregiver, just as you are to DS, i hope that makes sense

[nickle730]

Yep, kids always turn it on for their parents! Honestly, I think you should feel proud that your little bloke is behaving so well when he is outside the home and away from you. It would be much worse if they kept telling you he was always naughty. I don't think it matters that they comment in front of him about his positive behaviour - he's too little to get a big head about it!

Your family and the people closest to you know that he is not always 'easy' (what kid is??) and I hope they support you when it is difficult.

[fionas]

I know what you mean Kaz. DD1 has been described by her carers as "easy" and "we wish all the kids were like her" etc. etc. and then their jaws drop when she chucks a tanty over absolutely nothing when it's time to leave. And I do mean, a tanty to end all tanties - so much so that it sometimes takes me AND a carer to get her in the car.

To answer your question - I wouldn't analyse it too much TBH. But maybe try to gently encourage/remind him that he has to wait for things at childcare so has to wait for things at home. I often do this with DD1 and say, "when you're at playcentre and you play outside you have to wear sunscreen and a hat, don't you DD? [nods]. Well, you have to wear sunscreen and a hat when we play outside too. If you don't let mummy put sunscreen on, I'll tell [favourite carer] and she'll be cross."

[*TripleJ*]

most of the time all i get is he had a good day WTH does that even mean? lol am i sad to want an in depth description of everything he does when he goes? sorry to hijack

[mollycat]

As a child care worker, from my point of view, some kids act differently with their parents then they do with the carers, I have one who very very rarely chucks a tanty with me, but with Mum, they are full on, could be anything from taking shoes off or wanting them back on again. Mum can't get her to budge, she will sit straight down and do what I ask

They may be over the top and I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you to hear the same thing over and over again, when you are seeing the other side of your child. It must be great to hear that your child can and does behave when with others. maybe the staff have a difficult day with other children and your son is such a pleasure to have compared to the others.

[Nai]

DD1 was an "absolute delight" and the "most enjoyable little girl" to her carers - they didn't think she ever cried, talked back, threw tantrums etc. They didn't believe me me when I told them that she did this at home! Until one day...... she had a massive meltdown at CC when she was 3.5y and apparently everyone was shocked. They were asking the carer what she ahd done to DD1 and what on earth had happened. I had to reassure them that this was actually fairly normal and not to be concerned

DD2 was awful Monday morning and was whingy, clingy, sooky and temperamental - until she got to CC and she was happy for the whole day

So yes, they can turn it on at CC and be sweet and charming and well behaved and then become completely the opposite at home. I think I would prefer it that was to the other way around though...

[Bathsheba]

My youngest had this "syndrome" LOL when he was in care last year. The staff gushed so much that I, frankly, didn't believe them. So I took to hiding in the centre foyer near the sign-in book just to observe him! Sure enough his behaviour was angelic. He didn't even seem to get sucked into the challenging behaviours of the other kids around him. Amazing. And as an ex childcare worker myself i thought had seen it all! LOL I just accept now that my son is the type of child to respond very positively to the guidance of others.... and that's great I have to try hard not to be annoyed by it and to not see it as a reflection of my parenting. What i have done also is to try to weave some of the words and phrases and even activities of the centre he went to (sadly it was closed due to an arson attack ) into our home life. For example he was given kiwi fruit for the first time at the centre and he loves it... so i ask him "how do they cut it up at creche?" and he tells me and in doing this his mind kinda "tunes into" the co-operative creche child! LOL The same happens when i read him "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" (which i bought because it was read a lot at creche)... it 'tunes him into" his co-operative little self

Anyhow i think that with a bit of thought you could actually turn this into a really positive thing Goodluck!

ETA: I meant to say that i agree with you that talking about children infront of them too frequently can be questionable... even if it's all positive. It can unbalance their own views of themselves and possibly put too much pressure on them to act a certain way... it's really not fair. My motto is "if you wouldn't do it to an adult then question if it's wise to do it to a child". i certainly wouldn't be talking about my DH in that kind of way infront of him! well... maybe in a joking manner... but not daily! IYKWIM.

[human bean]

There's so many different factors that could come into play..... from the child care side of it it could be perhaps staff have been set a goal on working on parent/carer communication, establishing a rapport with new parents (I know you're not new there but you're a new parent to them) or they could be just really overly friendly staff. And, that they like your DS! I do remember you mentioning your DH was unwell last year too, do you think they would be aware of this? So are they maybe being a little over nice after all you've been through? (Just a shot in the dark with that one?)

I can imagine it must be frustrating, but it does sound like they are trying to keep the lines of communication open. It will be interesting to see what happens with the staff change over soon.

[*Sparklez*]

i get what you mean, ds is an angel at cc cause one of the teachers gives him so much attention he drowns in it... i dont so much mind the comments but i get depressed cause he never acts like this little angel at home lol
ds has adhd and is currently on medication that has made him become an angel in home and cc but before i couldnt wait to bump him off to cc lol...the break would be heaven..
but i do get the feeling too... feels like you are a bad mum when you say that they are completely different at home and they look at you like are you normal?

[~Kaz~]

ETA: I meant to say that i agree with you that talking about children infront of them too frequently can be questionable... even if it's all positive. It can unbalance their own views of themselves and possibly put too much pressure on them to act a certain way... it's really not fair. My motto is "if you wouldn't do it to an adult then question if it's wise to do it to a child". i certainly wouldn't be talking about my DH in that kind of way infront of him! well... maybe in a joking manner... but not daily! IYKWIM.

Bath this is totally it for me. They act like he is superman and he is a human and needs to learn to accept/work around his faults as well as all the good stuff. I grew up placing very high expectations on myself and having them imposed by others as well and I don't want that for him.

Olive - I had thought about the safety aspect, he can let his guard down with me. I think sometimes he puts so much effort into having a "good day" it makes him exhausted cause our evenings are often quite ferral from the minute we get home

Fiona - I do tend to over-analyse and you're right, it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. I also love that CC has 'trained' him to wear hat and sunscreen. The other morning I was getting into trouble cause he was outside without his hat but we were on the way to care and he has his care hat left there but he still insisted on bringing his home hat in the car and he even wanted it for the short walk in the door! Now that I've written that it seems to be an example of how well 'trained' he is.

Nai - I never considered the opposite Thanks. I actually can't wait until his first CC tanty! Would love to see their faces and how they would react lol.

Bath - I spy on DS every chance I get when I pick him up!! There aren't many places to hide on the way into his room and as he's gotten older, he tends to notice me quicker. I think that totally sucks that someone would set fire to a childcare centre. What is with people? I do like your thinking with activating the co-operative side of his brain though. Food for thought on how I can achieve that.

human bean - I never thought of that. The staff are very aware of DP's health problems. One of DS's carer's from last year does casual work as a nurse up at the hossy (gotta love small towns lol!) and she was on shift when he had an early lung biopsy and CT scan. After a few weeks she asked after him because she'd seen how sick he was and then we were away in Sydney while he was admitted so I had DS out of care. So although I wasn't comfortable about those discussions, there were a few when we returned in front of DS about what was going on with DP. Not great I know but I didn't really know how to handle it. I thought they needed to know cause DS's separation anxiety went through the roof and we had a long period of difficult and distressed separations again (they never lasted long for DS, it was just around the period of being left, a minute or two max until I was out of sight but he would cling for dear life ).

So anyway, maybe that is part of it? Those discussions have stopped now which is good. Maybe they are surprised that he wasn't acting out more though, given how unsettled and stressful things were at home. There was a period I returned him to care at home while DP was still in Sydney, just to get him back into his own kind of normal routine.

I think maybe part of it is that I am friendly and chatty and interested when I pick him up. I ask them how their day was as well as DS. Maybe not every parent does this?? I am like TrippleJ, would love a blow by blow description but have accepted "good" or "great" day.

Yesterday the student asked if she could case study DS for her training course. I asked why they had picked him and it is partly to do with how "well he plays, he tries everything and interacts and communicates so well" etc. I agreed because I know what it's like to be a student and I get a copy of her observations hehehe!

Thanks for all your replies girls. I do appreciate them. I think on reflection I will take the 'nod and smile' approach for now when they make those comments and not engage them in discussion or explanation. We only have another 5 weeks in that room anyway and he is spending a lot of time in the next room already.

[~StarBright~]

I think my DS is the same- he is quite new to care and while he did show them how good he could tantrum the first few weeks when i left him there- he would stop as soon as i left and now they tell me what a sweet boy he is, which he is, and how he is slowly getting more adventourous (at home he is a dare devil 24/7) and one lady in particular says she cant wait until he is in her group, (the two older groups do some things together so she sees him during the day but isnt actually a carer for his group)

I think what you say here

Olive - I had thought about the safety aspect, he can let his guard down with me. I think sometimes he puts so much effort into having a "good day" it makes him exhausted cause our evenings are often quite ferral from the minute we get home

sums it up- he spends all day not quite being himself at care, and so when he gets home he goes FERAL!!! We have huge feral days after day care, he is just a crazy child!!! And its because he has been bottling himself up all day and needs a release, big time!!

I am hoping that the more comfortable my DS is at care, the more he will be himself there and we wont have such a dramatic change once he gets home!! Sorry though- not much advice, just some one who understands a little bit :-)

[Crystalwings]

Not sure if you have already tried this but just thought I would add that maybe you could defuse the annoying gush by asking the carers what they are working with him on at the moment. Try to engage them in conversation about his development and things you are working on at home. Offer suggestions of what you would like them to support him with. This will also give you some insight into how well they really know your little boy and some meaningful information.

[~Kaz~]

Thanks SB.

Crystalwings - that is an awesome idea. Thank you so much. I'm going to do that.

[helle]

Maybe he isn't easy. Maybe he's a little so and so and they're just trying to make it easier for you to leave him without you worrying about whether the CC is gonna still be standing when you pick him up?

[thepixie]

They are often like this about my DD - her last carer was heartbroken when she moved up a room. But about a week or so ago I picked her up and I could just tell from the carer's face that she had had a bad day with her - could hardly even look at her. So the day will come when they see the other side I am sure!

[~Kaz~]

So the day will come when they see the other side I am sure!

You were so right Pixie! That day came a couple of weeks ago! The halo was definitely left at home and they were horrified!! He didn't do anything really serious, but was just doing things he knew he shouldn't and then when they asked him not to he was giving them the 'watcha-gonna-do-about-it?' look and doing it again All totally normal behaviour for him at home but they seemed quite worn out by him that day. I was like and couldn't keep the smile off my face for hours into the evening. They were so shocked and kept saying they couldn't believe how naughty he was! But then, of course, they had an immediate explanation, even though I wasn't concerned and probably looked quite pleased actually They think that he is probably bored in the 0-2 year room and they're probably right. Mondays are particularly bad because the group in the room that day are all quite a bit younger than DS and a lot aren't walking so he does get bored. I think they have been counting the Mondays down until he moves up (only one to go now!) although they still claim they don't want him to go!

[Chocaholic]

I could repeat your post word for word.

Both my boys are at daycare and I repeatedly get comments about their beautiful manners and how they follow instructions etc. I just said "well, I want that one, you can take mine". I just figure that they love daycare a lot due to the interaction, playing and time with friends. I also think that they don't want to cause a fuss so they follow instructions because the other kids are. They just don't want to be out of place. Also, when they chuck a tantrum they have 'time-out' with a carer talking to them which limits them playing with their friends.