Carers being overly positive about DS????

[mollycat]

As a child care worker, from my point of view, some kids act differently with their parents then they do with the carers, I have one who very very rarely chucks a tanty with me, but with Mum, they are full on, could be anything from taking shoes off or wanting them back on again. Mum can't get her to budge, she will sit straight down and do what I ask

They may be over the top and I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you to hear the same thing over and over again, when you are seeing the other side of your child. It must be great to hear that your child can and does behave when with others. maybe the staff have a difficult day with other children and your son is such a pleasure to have compared to the others.

[Nai]

DD1 was an "absolute delight" and the "most enjoyable little girl" to her carers - they didn't think she ever cried, talked back, threw tantrums etc. They didn't believe me me when I told them that she did this at home! Until one day...... she had a massive meltdown at CC when she was 3.5y and apparently everyone was shocked. They were asking the carer what she ahd done to DD1 and what on earth had happened. I had to reassure them that this was actually fairly normal and not to be concerned

DD2 was awful Monday morning and was whingy, clingy, sooky and temperamental - until she got to CC and she was happy for the whole day

So yes, they can turn it on at CC and be sweet and charming and well behaved and then become completely the opposite at home. I think I would prefer it that was to the other way around though...

[Bathsheba]

My youngest had this "syndrome" LOL when he was in care last year. The staff gushed so much that I, frankly, didn't believe them. So I took to hiding in the centre foyer near the sign-in book just to observe him! Sure enough his behaviour was angelic. He didn't even seem to get sucked into the challenging behaviours of the other kids around him. Amazing. And as an ex childcare worker myself i thought had seen it all! LOL I just accept now that my son is the type of child to respond very positively to the guidance of others.... and that's great I have to try hard not to be annoyed by it and to not see it as a reflection of my parenting. What i have done also is to try to weave some of the words and phrases and even activities of the centre he went to (sadly it was closed due to an arson attack ) into our home life. For example he was given kiwi fruit for the first time at the centre and he loves it... so i ask him "how do they cut it up at creche?" and he tells me and in doing this his mind kinda "tunes into" the co-operative creche child! LOL The same happens when i read him "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" (which i bought because it was read a lot at creche)... it 'tunes him into" his co-operative little self

Anyhow i think that with a bit of thought you could actually turn this into a really positive thing Goodluck!

ETA: I meant to say that i agree with you that talking about children infront of them too frequently can be questionable... even if it's all positive. It can unbalance their own views of themselves and possibly put too much pressure on them to act a certain way... it's really not fair. My motto is "if you wouldn't do it to an adult then question if it's wise to do it to a child". i certainly wouldn't be talking about my DH in that kind of way infront of him! well... maybe in a joking manner... but not daily! IYKWIM.

[~Kaz~]

ETA: I meant to say that i agree with you that talking about children infront of them too frequently can be questionable... even if it's all positive. It can unbalance their own views of themselves and possibly put too much pressure on them to act a certain way... it's really not fair. My motto is "if you wouldn't do it to an adult then question if it's wise to do it to a child". i certainly wouldn't be talking about my DH in that kind of way infront of him! well... maybe in a joking manner... but not daily! IYKWIM.

Bath this is totally it for me. They act like he is superman and he is a human and needs to learn to accept/work around his faults as well as all the good stuff. I grew up placing very high expectations on myself and having them imposed by others as well and I don't want that for him.

Olive - I had thought about the safety aspect, he can let his guard down with me. I think sometimes he puts so much effort into having a "good day" it makes him exhausted cause our evenings are often quite ferral from the minute we get home

Fiona - I do tend to over-analyse and you're right, it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. I also love that CC has 'trained' him to wear hat and sunscreen. The other morning I was getting into trouble cause he was outside without his hat but we were on the way to care and he has his care hat left there but he still insisted on bringing his home hat in the car and he even wanted it for the short walk in the door! Now that I've written that it seems to be an example of how well 'trained' he is.

Nai - I never considered the opposite Thanks. I actually can't wait until his first CC tanty! Would love to see their faces and how they would react lol.

Bath - I spy on DS every chance I get when I pick him up!! There aren't many places to hide on the way into his room and as he's gotten older, he tends to notice me quicker. I think that totally sucks that someone would set fire to a childcare centre. What is with people? I do like your thinking with activating the co-operative side of his brain though. Food for thought on how I can achieve that.

human bean - I never thought of that. The staff are very aware of DP's health problems. One of DS's carer's from last year does casual work as a nurse up at the hossy (gotta love small towns lol!) and she was on shift when he had an early lung biopsy and CT scan. After a few weeks she asked after him because she'd seen how sick he was and then we were away in Sydney while he was admitted so I had DS out of care. So although I wasn't comfortable about those discussions, there were a few when we returned in front of DS about what was going on with DP. Not great I know but I didn't really know how to handle it. I thought they needed to know cause DS's separation anxiety went through the roof and we had a long period of difficult and distressed separations again (they never lasted long for DS, it was just around the period of being left, a minute or two max until I was out of sight but he would cling for dear life ).

So anyway, maybe that is part of it? Those discussions have stopped now which is good. Maybe they are surprised that he wasn't acting out more though, given how unsettled and stressful things were at home. There was a period I returned him to care at home while DP was still in Sydney, just to get him back into his own kind of normal routine.

I think maybe part of it is that I am friendly and chatty and interested when I pick him up. I ask them how their day was as well as DS. Maybe not every parent does this?? I am like TrippleJ, would love a blow by blow description but have accepted "good" or "great" day.

Yesterday the student asked if she could case study DS for her training course. I asked why they had picked him and it is partly to do with how "well he plays, he tries everything and interacts and communicates so well" etc. I agreed because I know what it's like to be a student and I get a copy of her observations hehehe!

Thanks for all your replies girls. I do appreciate them. I think on reflection I will take the 'nod and smile' approach for now when they make those comments and not engage them in discussion or explanation. We only have another 5 weeks in that room anyway and he is spending a lot of time in the next room already.

[~StarBright~]

I think my DS is the same- he is quite new to care and while he did show them how good he could tantrum the first few weeks when i left him there- he would stop as soon as i left and now they tell me what a sweet boy he is, which he is, and how he is slowly getting more adventourous (at home he is a dare devil 24/7) and one lady in particular says she cant wait until he is in her group, (the two older groups do some things together so she sees him during the day but isnt actually a carer for his group)

I think what you say here

Olive - I had thought about the safety aspect, he can let his guard down with me. I think sometimes he puts so much effort into having a "good day" it makes him exhausted cause our evenings are often quite ferral from the minute we get home

sums it up- he spends all day not quite being himself at care, and so when he gets home he goes FERAL!!! We have huge feral days after day care, he is just a crazy child!!! And its because he has been bottling himself up all day and needs a release, big time!!

I am hoping that the more comfortable my DS is at care, the more he will be himself there and we wont have such a dramatic change once he gets home!! Sorry though- not much advice, just some one who understands a little bit :-)

[Crystalwings]

Not sure if you have already tried this but just thought I would add that maybe you could defuse the annoying gush by asking the carers what they are working with him on at the moment. Try to engage them in conversation about his development and things you are working on at home. Offer suggestions of what you would like them to support him with. This will also give you some insight into how well they really know your little boy and some meaningful information.

[~Kaz~]

Thanks SB.

Crystalwings - that is an awesome idea. Thank you so much. I'm going to do that.

[human bean]

There's so many different factors that could come into play..... from the child care side of it it could be perhaps staff have been set a goal on working on parent/carer communication, establishing a rapport with new parents (I know you're not new there but you're a new parent to them) or they could be just really overly friendly staff. And, that they like your DS! I do remember you mentioning your DH was unwell last year too, do you think they would be aware of this? So are they maybe being a little over nice after all you've been through? (Just a shot in the dark with that one?)

I can imagine it must be frustrating, but it does sound like they are trying to keep the lines of communication open. It will be interesting to see what happens with the staff change over soon.

[*Twinkle*]

As a child care worker, from my point of view, some kids act differently with their parents then they do with the carers, I have one who very very rarely chucks a tanty with me, but with Mum, they are full on, could be anything from taking shoes off or wanting them back on again. Mum can't get her to budge, she will sit straight down and do what I ask.

This is what I was going to say. I found that my DD's are far more 'compliant' for want of a better word with daycare, little angels, listening and being 'easy' with the carers, but as soon as they get home they turn! Take the compliment hun! It's great he is so easy there. Could be a lot worse!