How long did your child cry at CC drop off?

[~Kaz~]

I know every kid is different but I just want to get some kind of ballpark figure for what to expect. DS is 12 months old and has started LDC in the last couple of weeks, three days a week. I go back to work next week. We had to take the spot early or lose it and I figured it would help him get used to the centre before I'm back working. So the first few days were 'short' days and this week he's been there for longer days. He has done what I believe is typical and been fine the first few times he was left and barely noticed me going. This week he has screamed blue murder the minute he is out of physical contact, even before I go. He is happy walking in, it's only once I try to put him down he goes right off I was expecting tears at some point but it's still heart wrenching to see and hear and then to walk away. The carers are telling me that he generally stops almost immediately and then has a lot of fun for the rest of the day. There was one day when he was grumbly on and off all day but he was like that the day before at home and there has been a lot going on with immunisations and teeth lately etc so it could have been that.

So, how long did the screaming/crying continue for your child? What did you do to manage it? (Stay a few minutes for more cuddles (DS still screams when I inevitably leave), or leave when you planned to anyway?).

[Rumpleteaser]

My DS has been in LCD 2 days week since he was 8 months old, in the past 4 months he has started to develop more seperation anxiety. He will sometimes cling to me when I try to put him down or cry and cling if I manage to put him down and try to leave.
I have found that dropping him off and getting him involved in an activity before leaving can help and not making any kind of fuss when I leave, so I say my goodbyes as we are getting out of the car. The other tactic that works for me is getting him to DC when they are serving morning tea, DS generally likes his food.
I don't think he fusses too much after I go, the girls say he is one of the easiest kids to look after. When I pick him up he is happy to see me, but generally there is another child who is in tears cause it is not their Mummy coming to pick them up. I think because DS started DC young, he is just use to it. He enjoys the company of the other kids, particularly the older children. Thay always sing out goodbye when DS walks through their room on his way home, DS waves.
I hope your DS is just putting on a show when you leave, many kids do. I use to babysit a young boy who would cry when his Mum left he would cry for a short period, but would get over it quickly, 5-10 mins then we would have fun the rest of the time. When I finished Uni, he asked if I would still babysit him. He is probably some spotty teenager now.
I hope something I said may help you.

[Kel001]

Our DD has been in day care for 3 days per week since she was 8 months, and she still has a bit of a grizzle when I drop her off (she's now 14.5mths). I find that going through the same routine every morning of going in, signing her in, putting her drinks in the fridge, putting her bag in her cubby hole, putting sunscreen on and then taking her outside to play with the other kids is a good way to cope with the separation as she knows what's coming. I agree with RumpleTeaser that getting them preoccupied with an acitivity or a meal is a positive way to leave them. Once that's done I say goodbye to her, give her a kiss, tell her I'll be back in the afternoon and then leave quickly. If I don't I'll only linger and this tends to make things worse if she's grizzly.

One thing I do remember our Day Care Director telling me when we started was not to leave without saying goodbye. A quote from their parents handbook says:

"Always say goodbye - even if your child is distressed, to slip away breaks down trust. If your child is crying or clings, prolonging the goodbye will only make it harder for yourself and your child.

When it's time to leave - leave quickly - By all means stay with your child, but once you prepare to leave, say goodbye and go. Even when a child knows about "coming back", the moment of parting can still be sad."

With our DD we found that when she was first attending it was best to pass her to someone who would cuddle her after I had gone and help her calm down. She now has a very sweet attachment to one girl at the centre and so goes to her every morning which helps immensely with her feeling secure. I also felt better with this as leaving DD on the floor when she was upset, crying and reaching out for me broke my heart and I found it too hard to leave her like that. Passing her to someone reminds me that she will be well cared for and safe until I come back.

Remember, it's about you feeling confident and reassured as much as your son as he will pick up on your emotions about the situation.

OH! And the quote from the handbook isn't gospel, so please don't take it like professional medical advice - its just some general advice that I found helpful and so wanted to pass on...there are lots of difference ways of managing

Good luck! I hope he settles soon...

[AliBaby]

I am just replying but will come back later and edit. DD has run out of food in her high chair! LOL!

[AliBaby]

I'm back. Sorry it took me so long.
DD has been going to DC 2 days a week for 2 months.

The first couple of weeks were the hardest then it got easier. She loves it. She is now familiar with the place and the carers. We do have tears as soon as she thinks I am going to hand her over but I just say to her "mummy is going to work now, I'll be back this afternoon have fun and mummy loves you, bye" Then I give her to one of her gorgeous carers. She doesnt go willingly to them yet but she does stop crying as soon as I am out of sight.

At the end of the day I kind of sneak in the door of her room at DC and see she is so happy playing with someone or something. Yesterday she was having a cuddle in one of her carers lap. It was really lovely.

My only other advice is if you feel you can do it, try not to hang around at drop off if you can. As soon as you are ready to hand him over, say your goodbyes quickly and then walk out, they soon are distracted and busy having fun. It was always very easy for me to tell parents this when I was teaching kindy and they were leaving their babies for their first day at big school, but it really made the kids more settled and comfortable rather than picking up on Mummy or daddy's anxiety. It is harder to do as a parent but I suppose I am fortunate as I have been both sides of the fence.

Lots of and I hope it gets easier for you.

[nic]

My DD took months to stop crying at drop off. I think we started her around late Jan, early Feb, and that same year, DH's pop passed away in..August. I remember staying only a couple of days after the funeral as I wanted to get home as DD had only just started to not cry at drop off. I think it had been about 2 or 3 weeks at the point.

Their policy was, we took their bag inside, food in fridge, hat on, and outside to the adults to play in the playground. If any child started to get upset, they would say, give them a kiss, tell them you will see them soon, and they would then try to get the child interested in something so you could slip away.. When I would pick her up, she would be happy, and would be saying goodbye to everyone and waving to her 'friends'..so at least I know her whole day wasn't horrible.. It doesn't help when you leave in the morning and they are screaming though does it?

Hope it gets better for you all soon

[The[cookie]Doctor]

My DS has been going for a month, 2wks full time.

He knows i work just donw the hall, which is hard because on the bad days he simply comes and cries near the nursery window. Anyway - the best days in the morning has been when we do something routine-ish. Today i took yoghurt and we sat down and had a yoghurt and chat together when we got there - we cleaned up as his carers would do and by the time we had done that - he had been there long enough to comprehend that all the kids were having so much fun outside and he was outside before i could even make it back to my handbag at the door.

It does take time and every child is different. We had a child on second day in nursery today and she screamed for three hours, but she showed signs that she was self soothing and she would take in the environment. She also still managed to sleep and was becoming familiar with room leader and regular assistant. When they get panicky they want mummy, so they need to get used to carers too which can be hard if there is any inconsistencies. They will let you know if it is out of the ordinary - carers are not normally 'worried' about crying - we will let you know if it is unchracteristic distress - its when they go off food and drink etc as well that it comes a problem... jme/o

good luck... xoxo

[ezymay]

My DD has been going to FDC since feb and still will have a little cry at drop off one out of the 3 days a week. Its not the full blown screaming we had at the begining and we had the same at pick up. It was heartbreaking! After getting some very good advice her on BB, I gave her a photo a of the 3 of us and she always gets her doll and hadned to the carer who will take her to a special spot for a cuddle.

Its still so hard!!! Its a big adjustment and it can take time. Bug hugs.

[luna moth]

I'm on the other end - I'm one of those folk babies get handed to. The staff are most likely telling the truth - it's a rare kid that can't be comforted and distracted within 2-5 minutes, or 20 at most.

On how to manage it (some of these things might not make sense to you, but pleeeeeeease trust me - after 10 years in the industry I've seen a fair few strategies)

Stay and play**. Don't play with everything in sight though, leave something for him to "discover" after you're gone, it will help to distract him. If he's not really up for play, see if you can't at least have him on your hip and have a chat with his carers - as he watches you build a good relationship with them, he will be motivated to do the same. You don't have to talk about kid-related stuff - latest movies, or pets, or your handbag obsession, or whatever.
Get a carer's attention when you're ready to go.
Pass him to the carer - I know, you want him to be independent and play, but if he's stressed out even a little bit, it's not going to happen. Better for him to be with someone.
Tell him where you are going, and when you will be back "Mummy's going to go and do some work, so you can stay with XXX, and you'll have a great day, and I'll see you after you have a sleep"
Say goodbye ONCE. (even if he cries and reaches for more cuddles. Be really strong. It's harder for you, easier for him)
After you have said goodbye and handed him over, get out of his line of sight as quickly as possible. This is because when he can see you but not access you, it's traumatic. The less time he has to contend with this, the less frantic his cry will become,a nd the easier it will be to settle him.

** In some instances, stay and play is not applicable. Some children start getting anxious the minute you walk in the door, knowing that you are going to leave any moment. The longer you stay, the longer this anxiety has to fester, meaning the outburst when you do leave is enormous, and the day probably more traumatic.

Crying at separation time will probably last a few weeks. If he cries all day (which it sounds like he doesn't) then that settles down by the 6th visit in 95% of cases (my own stats, based on high quality community based not for profit childcare settings. I have no idea about private services)

Let me know if you want any more help or ideas. Hope it works out for you.

[Mum2SweetCs]

Kaz i understand how you feel. DD started child care this Wed and i swear its so heart wrenching! I warned the carers that she tends to vomit in distress and she did 3 times!

But when i got there she wasnt crying and she had a nap and eating. Then she went to play outside and i was talking to the carer inside when i saw her in tears going "WHERE'S MUMMY??? WHERES MUMMY"

Gosh thats so hard to take i still remember that sad face of hers and it haunts me.


Sorry not much help hun, but I put her in CC because i know she will get alot more stimulation there.

Goodluck and hope your DS will enjoy it soon

[~Kaz~]

Thank you so much for all your replies. From what you guys have said I should probably expect the crying at drop off to continue for at least a few more months. Then if it stops earlier I can be pleasantly surprised.

I'm ok about putting him into care. I really am. He needs the socialisation, I can think of so many other benefits and I feel comfy with the centre (it's community based, not for profit, been around forever, has great rep around the town etc). I am quite anxious about returning to work next week though so it's possible he's picking up on that as I am thinking about work when I have dropped him off (as in, "in two weeks/one week/one more drop off I'll be heading off to work after this" etc). So maybe he has picked up on that. Hopefully after my first week back it will feel like I've never left in a way so my anxiety will drop too.

The other issue is, I think I know too much I have previously done reading as part of my uni studies in the past on childcare, high/low quality childcare and child stress levels. I know about the cortisol studies. So I want to know what his cortisol levels are doing at drop off and then over the course of the day but I know I can't find that out unless he becomes a subject in a research study and there's a greater chance I'll win lotto! So his crying bothers me in that respect. I was trying to stay and play (based on advice from the carers and I understand why they would recommend that, it makes sense) but intuitively that felt like the wrong approach for him. He never truly got distracted by a toy or activity. He knows I'm going to leave him from the moment we step into the room so it probably did just prolong his stress. Audax your post and suggestions made so much sense. Yesterday I did a very quick handover and goodbye and it went a lot better. Now I just have to get past the fact that I feel totally heartless and cold to be all business like and fairly quick once we're there - put his bag away grab a toy and hand him over. I always say good bye and I'm telling him about his fun day from the time we get into the car at home. I guess it's about what works best for him, not me and a quick goodbye seems to be it.

[Crystalwings]

I also work in early childhood education and am a mother with a 17mth old in FDC so have been on both ends of the equasion.
I work in a high quality independent private centre (very high ratios and staff qualifications) and find my experiences much the same as Audax. I think any quality service would
a)ring a parent if their child continued to be distressed through the day, especially when they know you are at home.
b)are honest and communicate that while they did cry it stopped after xx no of minutes.
c)Have a policy which insists on visits before the child starts care to build rapport with staff and help the child feel comfortable.
d)make every attempt to assign children a primary carer who is consistant

It is very normal for children to go through a stage where they are fine for 2-3 weeks then they start going through seperation anxiety as they come to realise that they no longer have control over the situation and assert their power by letting parents know that they 'did not choose to come here'.
Don't feel guilty that leaving quickly is the best thing for your child. Do you have time to stay and play at the end of the day? this can often be less stressful as you have gone and come back and your child may be happy by this stage to share some new experiences they have discovered at the centre by this time or show you paintings etc. A consistant routine can make such a difference.

My DD went into care at 6mths 2 days as I had to return to work and only went through a small period of separation anxiety. It was due to a number of factors such as having a lengthy break due to carer breaking her arm and another child biting her but she had been going for 8mths before this happened and to be honest there were days when I hoped she would cry for me for my own selfish reasons. Then when it happened it broke my heart! We have since changed carers and she is fine now.

It's really rewarding as a carer when a child suddenly begins separating easily, it will happen for you soon. Good luck!!

[AliBaby]

IDo you have time to stay and play at the end of the day? this can often be less stressful as you have gone and come back and your child may be happy by this stage to share some new experiences they have discovered at the centre by this time or show you paintings etc. A consistant routine can make such a difference.

I do this too. It is really lovely at the end of the day when I go to pick her up we have a big cuddle and then I actually sit on the floor with her in my arms chatting to the carers and then she will let go off me and go and play with something, turning around to smile at me, etc. During this time the carers tell me about what she has done, how she was and just general things as well. It has helped build my rapport with the carers as well which I think is also important.

Keep us updated on how you go hun and how you are feeling

[~Kaz~]

Hey just a quick post to thank you all again for your replies and information. It was really helpful at the time. And for anyone reading this down the track, DS only cried at drop off for a few weeks. I worked out that a quick drop was better for him. Even now, if I pause to chat for more than a minute he whinges when I do eventually leave. So I save the chatting for pick-ups. Most days he hardly gives me a backwards glance as I leave, which is fantastic!!

Thanks again for all your help and support girls! xxx

[Mum2SweetCs]

Kaz Glad to here.

same here. the first few weeks i hung around but it only made drop offs harder. I too now just quickly drop her off, say good bye and a hug and not hang around. DD hasnt cried since =)

[AliBaby]

Kaz- that is great! I am so pleased to see. I have noticed that DD is now establishing relationships with her carers. One in particular and we saw her at the shops today and Ashllyn recognised her.

I do the quick drop off as well and chat at pick up time. Often I'll even go and sit on the floor talking to the carers and play and DD goes off around the room getting things to show me. So cute.

[BeautifulMadness]

It was ok first week then it started, i tried reasoning, cuddles and staying but realised i was wasting time by feeding into it, so i left him. He screamed for 5mins and was fine...